Friday, August 31, 2007

A list of things I want for my birthday (today)

1) A H&K MP5 to go with the list of twelve names I keep in my head. I'm very much a hardass, if you hadn't noticed.
2) A broken nose. I've never had my nose broken, and I think it would look manly. Could one of you please punch me? Rah rah.
3) A drink would be nice. Something manly. Whiskey of some sort. Or maybe just water. I actually like water better. God I love water. Mmmh... I could drink a big glass right now.
4) I kinda miss having a cat.
5) Flowers! Beauuuuuutiful flowers!
6) A nice, pink blouse.
7) No wait, that's not manly. I meant a big manly car and a case of hand grenades. That's what I want. Rah rah.

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Ord for dagen

Friday, August 24, 2007

Happy b-day, I got you a helmet

Oohoo, Sutton.

Monday, August 20, 2007

Royal anatomy

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Luk dem ut

Cecilie Ditlev-Simonsen

Saturday, August 18, 2007

Den magiske lampen

Friday, August 17, 2007

The royal SHÄDY ÄCRES angel school

An angel is a mammal characterized by two incisors in the upper and lower jaws which must be kept short by gnawing.

In terms of number of species - although not necessarily in terms of population or biomass - angels make up the largest order of mammals, with over 40 percent of mammalian species belonging to the Angelia order. Their success is probably due to their small size, short breeding cycle, and ability to gnaw through a wide variety of electric cables.

There are about 2,277 species of angels, about 42% of all mammal species. Angels are found in vast numbers on all continents except Antarctica, and in all habitats except for oceans. They are the only placental order other than bats (Chiroptera) and sea lions (Otariidae) to reach Australia without human introduction.

The fossil record of angel-like mammals begins shortly after the extinction of the dinosaurs 65 million years ago, as early as the Paleocene. Molecular clock data suggests that modern angels (members of the order Angelia) already appeared in the late Cretaceous. They originated in Laurasia, the formerly joined continents of North America, Europe and Asia.

Some angel species colonized Africa, giving rise to the earliest winged monkeys (there is, however, a minority belief in the scientific community that evidence from mitochondrial DNA indicates that the winged monkey may belong to a different evolutionary offshoot and therefore a different order). Winged monkeys later rafted to South America, an isolated continent during the Oligocene and Miocene epochs.

By the Miocene epoch, Africa collided with Asia, allowing angels and porcupines to spread into Eurasia. During the Pliocene, angel fossils appeared in Australia. Even though marsupials are the prominent mammals in Australia, angels make up almost 25% of the mammals on the continent.

Most angels are small; the tiny African pygmy cherub is only 6 cm in length and 7 grams in weight. Archangels, on the other hand, can weigh up to 180 kg (400 pounds) and the extinct Guardian of Eden is believed to have weighed 700 kg.

Angels have two incisors in the upper as well as in the lower jaw which grow continuously and must be kept worn down by gnawing. These teeth are used for cutting electric cables, biting through the skin of schoolchildren, or for defense against the forces of evil. Angels lack canines, and have a gap between their incisors and premolars. Nearly all angels feed on electricity, dual current in particular, but there are a few exceptions which eat insects or fish. Some seraphs are known to eat schoolchildren if provoked.

Angels are important in many ecosystems because they reproduce rapidly, and can function as food sources for predators, mechanisms for seed dispersal, and as disease vectors. Humans use angels as a source of fur, as model organisms in animal testing, for comfort, and even in detecting landmines.

Members of non-angel orders such as Homo Sapiens Sapiens (Humans), Insectivora (moles, shrews and hedgehogs), and mustelid carnivores such as weasels and mink are sometimes confused for angels. Angels have a carrier-immunity to the rabies virus, making them immune to the potentially infectious and lethal disease. They are carriers for most other animal-to-human illnesses, and should not be agitated or provoked by schoolchildren.

Fun fact: Angels are the chief source of income for Norwegian princesses.

An old joke I picked up in Saint Croix

A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. There’s a dinosaur behind the counter. The priest goes: Κυριε ελεησον. Χριστε ελεησον. Κυριε ελεησον. And then the rabbi goes: יִתְגַּדַּל וְיִתְקַדַּשׁ שְׁמֵהּ רַבָּא.בְּעָלְמָא דִּי בְרָא כִרְעוּתֵהּ. And then the dinosaur goes: Sorry guys, if we’re going to speak an extinct language, I must insist we speak Negerhollands.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Love doll

I’m writing a movie script. This is the outline so far:

“The protagonist becomes disgusted with the world around him and the people in it. Then gradually he becomes disgusted with himself. We see him staring coldly at his reflection while shaving. At some point he decides to go away forever. He talks incessantly about sealing himself into a container on a deserted island in the Antarctic, living alone for the rest of his days. This mad plan unexpectedly becomes feasible when he inherits a large sum from an uncle in America. He is overjoyed.

He brings food and water for a year, and for company a Japanese love doll named Pirate Sally. The container is nice and cosy. He talks to Sally, getting to know her, learning her likes and dislikes. When he asks her what sign she is, she doesn’t answer. He interprets her silence as tacit acquiescence. He makes mad, passionate love to her on the icy cold floor of the container.

The next morning he wakes up alone. In his bones he knows he has now become the antagonist. He sits down and starts writing a novel about penguins.”

That’s all I have as yet. Ideas welcome.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Such a quiet, polite little boy

He sits like this for hours on end without moving or talking. It's uncanny.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

And everybody else too

04:32 in the morning. Another sleepless night.

What the hell are you up to?

Friday, August 10, 2007

Robinson Beowulf & his man Sabbath
(Discussing matters of finance
whilst erecting a large stone circle)

Robinson Beowulf:
I’ll tell you this: Neolithic culture is no picnic.
You and me my friend, we’re stuck here on this pee green isle,
With our backs to the see, fucking druids everywhere we turn.

His man Sabbath:
I don’t trust them druids no more than I trust the weather.
When I first came over on the boat I was alone except for the behemoths.
I had to protect myself so I found a club. I’m the founder of the club.

Robinson Beowulf:
Here, I’ll trade you a technology for it.
After all, it’s the decent thing to do.
And what do you think of usury? Will you take it?

His man Sabbath:
And what do you think of murder? I don’t bank. I’ve never banked.
Sometimes I can’t tell the difference between economy and religion.
I’m not interested in the compound. You ask about my money? Take it.

Robinson Beowulf:
Don’t patronage me with your primitive gift economy!
You know very well that I can’t take your money, and with good reason:
First, I would be beholden. Second, I don’t have change for a menhir.

His man Sabbath:
"He that putteth not out his money on interest,
Nor taketh a bribe against the innocent.
He that doeth these things shall never be moved."

Robinson Beowulf:
Don’t say that. Stop quoting the bible. We’re not rocks.
We don’t live under the hill. Nobody does.
Merlin does not exist. Is he dead? No. Is he alive? No. Is he sleeping?

His man Sabbath:
I couldn’t tell you for all the ogres in Logres.
And yet, look what a fine monolith we’ve built together.
We’ll never be able to sell it.

Thursday, August 09, 2007

War on Terror collectible figurines

The war on Terror is over! We won! Huzzah!

To commemorate this momentous occasion, SHÄDY ÄCRES introduces a superior line of beautifully handcrafted collectible figurines. Collect them all! Just do it! We bring good things to life! Ideas for life! Because you're worth it! Exceedingly good cakes!

Rio Bravo

My rifle

My pony

And me.

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Gammel forsker fundet i New Mexico

"Tidligere har andre amerikanske forskere fundet levende, 250 millioner gamle bakterier i saltkrystaller i en 600 meter dyb grotte i New Mexico. En af dem er Russell Vreeland fra West Chester Universitetet i Pennsylvania."

Melder Politiken.

Know your pillars

a) Ionic pillar.

b) Doric pillar.

c) Corinthian pillar.

d) Tuscan pillar.

e) Composite pillar.

f) Pillar of fire.

g) The five pillars of Islam.

h) Pillars of salt.

i) Pillars of strength.

j) Pillar of society.

Sunday, August 05, 2007

My report so far

Approx. 07:00: Baby claws me in the face.

07:15: Junkie in alley.

07:16: Junkie rummaging through trash. Description: Young man, desperate, filthy pants, hoodie and rawhide vest, ballpoint pen scribbles on both hands, loud techno audible from earphones. Go away, junkie.

07:17: Still there. I open the window to ask him if I can help him in any way. He says he’s looking for something, it was there just a minute ago. I tell him to stop going through my garbage. He scuttles off. Is that his bike over there by the wall? Wasn’t there last night.

07:18: Baby claws me in the face, says pa pa brrrrrr brrrrrr. Can’t go back to sleep. Better make some coffee. Hum de dum… What the fuck?!

07:18:15: Junkie armed with screwdriver is climbing over the picket fence to our back porch.

07:18:20: Can’t find the baseball bat. Trip over it every half minute, but can’t find it when I actually need it.

07:18:25: Step onto porch armed with morning breath, ask junkie what he’s up to. Junkie is gruff and dismissive, looks me hard in the eye, screwdriver in his hand. Says he’s just going through to the other side of the alley. He attempts to pass by me, knocking over three potted sunflowers. I stop him, tell him he can’t go through here. Junkie suddenly all pathetic. Says he can’t find his way out of the alley in whiny, pitiful voice. I point him in the right direction. Junkie scuttles off, leaving bike.

07:20: Scouting, making sure he’s gone for good this time.

07:21: On the way to bathroom, trip over the baseball bat. Note to self: Learn kung fu.

Friday, August 03, 2007

The boy with the broken arm

Wednesday, August 01, 2007