Saturday, February 28, 2009

The SHÄDY ÄCRES tolerance smiley

If everyone could please start using this, thank you, to express approval of words or actions which contribute to advance tolerance, anti-racism and human rights, and ultimately create a just society.

By the way, did you see that moon last night, with the evening star bright above it? It broke my heart.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Mate in three, white to move

Til forsvar for FrP

Jeg har vanskelig ved å skjønne den massive kritikken mot Siv Jensen og FrP. Jeg blir veldig oppgitt og skuffet. Dette er typisk norsk misunnelse på sitt typisk norskeste.

Det blir fremstilt som om partiet ved sine avvikende synspunkter virker splittende på landet. Dette er jo beviselig feil. FrP ønsker tvert imot å virke samlende på nasjonen. Dette fremgår tydelig av partiprogrammet.

Per Sandbergs krav om lukkete asylmottak har også blitt bevisst fordreid av den venstrevridde pressen. Det er et faktum at mange asylsøkere sliter med konsentrasjonsvansker, og trenger mye bedre behandling enn det de får i dag. Naturmedisinsk pleie i skog og mark har veldokumentert effekt, og FrP ønsker derfor som en forsøksordning å opprette egne bivuakkleirer for dette.

I klimaspørsmålet er FrP helt på linje med den nyeste forskning. Norge er verdens syvende største eksportør av naturgass, og FrP ønsker å satse videre på dette området. Den norske gassen transporteres både i ren form via rørledning, og også som tørrgass. Gassen samles i særlige kamre og fordeles derfra videre til Europa og verden. Denne aktiviteten ønsker FrP å utvide betydelig i årene som kommer.

For å oppsummere: En stemme til FrP er en stemme til nasjonal samling. En stemme til FrP er en stemme til konsentrasjonsleirer og gasskamre.

Så ta dere sammen, dere typiske norske misunnere der ute. La nå Siv få prøve seg. Heia Siv! Heia Siv!

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

The Unicorn of Freedom addresses the nation

Unicorns. Brothers and sisters. Champions of Freedom.

These are trying times. The unicorns, and our allies the dolphins, are at risk. But we will prevail! As long as even one child believes in the power of magic, our automotive industry will be safe.

We have lost some money in the stock markets, sure. Our line of depleted uranium anti-personnel teddy bears was not as big a success as we had hoped, and it seems our woodland elves cannot compete with the Chinese work force. But the fundamentals of our economy are sound: Acorns and squirrel pelts will always be in high demand.

I have taken steps to ensure that our banks are nationalised. I know you don't like that word, because it reminds you of the time we made battle with the Dark Wizards of Clovenhoof Castle, and those guys used that word a LOT. I feel the same way. It's a bad word. But the fact of the matter is that unicorns must adapt to a mixed economy model.

That's why I will now sprinkle rainbow dust over your heads, like so, and you will forget what I just said. Look at the pretty rainbow dust! How wonderful. That stuff never ceases to lift my spirit. Here, let's take some more. Ahhh... OK, that's enough.

Our forces overseas work tirelessly to ensure that the fight for Freedom and Justice continues. Some of them may become over-zealous at times, and that saddens me. I become very sad when I hear such news. That's precisely why I've decided to send another battallion of centaurs to the borders of Arganoth, to stamp out the hummingbird menace once and for all. Detestable hummingbirds with their humming and their flying, mocking our Way of Life! Unicorns have no wings! We are not pegasi!

I was going to say something about the environment. The environment is very important. Unfortunately the environment is also very gay. Yes, it's true. The ecosystem is homosexual. And you know how the Unicorn of Freedom feels about homosexuality. I'm okay with it, as long as they don't come near me or try to touch me. So you see my problem: On the one hand I want to tell you to take care of the environment, but on the other hand I am duty sworn to protect family values. The conclusion is self-evident and undeniable: Unicorns must destroy the world.

Oh, and another thing: I'm building a huge barbed wire fence around our magic kingdom to protect us against zombies and immigrants.

That's it. Peace out from the Unicorn of Freedom.

On the subject of Hemingway

Hey, I like Adolf Hemingway as much as the next guy. I gotta be honest. I just gotta be honest. I gotta. That’s the kind of guy I am. And if you don’t know that by now, then God help us all, or “God ‘elp us, guv’”, as Harry Potter would say.

“For Whom the Trolls Boil” for example. Come on! That’s a fucking masterpiece. I cried like a little girl in a frilly dress, and I’m not ashamed to say it. Don’t give me that snooty “critical vibe” from the “scene” of the “lamb chops” and “penis gravy” or whatever you kids call it these days.

They gave him an Oscar™ for that one too and he fucking deserved it. If you ask me. In my “not so humble opinion” as they say - wink wink, nudge nudge, nobody expects the Spanish inquisition, it’s an ex-parrot, if everyone could just PLEASE stop quoting Monty Python, thank you.

I tend to find though, that his best works are the ones I steal from other people? Have you noticed that about his “oeuvre”? Have you? That it’s better when you steal it? Preferably from someone’s parents house? After everyone else have collapsed in a drunken stupor? Or maybe you slipped them a big dose of GHB and tied them to an upstairs bed? Anyway.

There’s this part of this one book where he’s all: “Ooooh, you have to find like this one True, Honest Sentence and start from there” or whatever. And I’m all like: OK, cool. This will be JUST like the time I wasted five fucking perfectly good years searching for Satori enlightenment in the foothills of the Himalayas, and then it turned to out to be a total hoax, like the Yeti. Bummer.

And like, who the fuck is he to talk about truth and honesty and perfection? The guy takes a double-barreled shotgun, and he rests the butt of the gun on the floor, and he leans over it and puts the muzzles to his forehead right over the eyes and he pulls BOTH triggers. WHAM! WHAM! Because, nooooo, one barrel wasn’t enough for Mr. Nobel Oscar™ Prize winning bull fighter book writer man.

THAT’S what’s wrong with the world RIGHT there. This constant search for truth and perfection is fucking ruining it for everybody. One barrel to the head should be more than enough for anyone. That’s just one man’s opinion, but that man happens to be me, and I’m almost never wrong. Ask anyone. NOT HER!

So anyway. Hemingway.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Set fire to your ships

Son, it’s a struggle. If you start from the centre you will be surrounded,
And if you start from the edge you will have your back to the sea.
Set fire to your ships.

The great generals of antiquity are all equal now: Julius Caesar
Escaped his creditors and conquered all Gaul, but was knifed by his own friends.
Remember, and learn.

Hannibal, thunderbolt of Carthage, swore as a child to arrest the destiny of Rome,
And in his prime brought 37 war elephants into the Po valley. Years later he took poison.
Such are the ages of a man.

After his Italian defeats, Pyrrhus of Epirus seized the Macedonian throne,
But in the narrow streets of Argos an old woman threw a roofing tile at his head.
Son, always be kind to women.

Friday, February 20, 2009

EU working to solve zombie crisis

Thursday, February 19, 2009

OMG WTF house being attacked by zombies!!!

There seems to be some sort of zombie cataclysm going on outside. Did you guys know about this?? I'm counting three or four walking dead in the garden. Got to deal with this right now. Back with more if we survive the night. Pray for us.

It's times like this I wish I was on twitter. A zombie cataclysm is more of a twitter event, really.

No sweetie, that's not a bunny rabbit

That's a triceratops.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

The bogy song

Silhouettes in the hall, inexplicable stains,
Fingernails scratching the windowpane.
When children go missing (it happens you know),
Their parents boggle: Where did they go?

Were they lost in the woods, did they fall in the lake?
Did a paedophile lure them with candy or cake?
Were they hit by a car, were their bodies puréed?
Did they play where we told them never to play?

But the truth is another, more dreadful, more vile.
In your stomach you know what’s befallen the child:
When children go missing and never come back,
It’s because they’ve gone into the bogyman’s sack.

Take a look at the bogy, I dare you my friend,
As he carries his victim away to its end.
Have you ever seen something as awful as him?
So horrid, so filthy, so wicked, so grim?

How on earth do such terrible things come to be?
Would the good Lord create such an evil as he?
Was he spawned by the devil or made by a man?
Did he grow like a mandrake or come in a can?

Was he built like the golem of water and earth?
No, an old gypsy told me the date of his birth:
In ancient Carthage (300 BC),
The bogy was born just like you and like me.

Long before he could speak he was already spoiled.
By the time he learnt how, he made sailors recoil.
He was cheeky to strangers and rude to his friends,
It would seem he took pleasure in causing offence.

He refused to do homework, neglected his chores,
His report card read: “Lazy and foul to the core”.
Still, his mother and father they loved him a lot.
The other Carthagians, sadly, did not.

On a day when the boy was especially gruff,
The good people of Carthage had just had enough.
See, for all of their virtues they did have one vice:
The time-honoured practice of child sacrifice.

So they carried him off to the temple of Ba’al
(The Phoenician idol they liked best of all),
He was placed on the altar and fed to the flames,
As he burned to a crisp he was cursing their names.

“Hear me, Carthagians, detestable ones,
I swear to come back for your daughters and sons!”
Over the flutes and the drums he was heard,
Even old Ba’al paid heed to his word.

On that ill-omened day in the shade of the horns,
As his body was eaten, his soul was reborn.
Now he slips through the ages under the curse,
Destined forever to wander the earth.

For his journey is fuelled by voracious hate,
By a hunger he’ll never be able to sate.
He must feed on the fears of the people he meets,
Oh, and lest we forget: All the children he eats.

He sneaks into your house around 7 pm -
Even bolted the door is no hindrance to him.
And he harvests your dread for the smallest of creeps,
And he reaps from your nightmares while you’re asleep.

And he sucks out the marrow from inside your bones,
And he moulds it to shapes he can use for his own.
When his strength is sufficient he seeks out a child -
He pursues it with terror and traps it with guile.

Once a child is entrapped in the bogyman’s sack,
It is certain to end as a nourishing snack.
Silhouettes in the hall, inexplicable stains,
Fingernails scratching the windowpane.

Likestiller Karita med kjønnslemlestelse

— Hun er forferdelig, mener Facebook-gruppe.

Facebook-gruppen "Munnlås på Karita - Borgere som føler det litt som om de blir skåret i skrittet med en skarp kniv hver gang Karita Bekkemellem åpner munnen" har allerede over 75.000 medlemmer.

Det er synspunktene til stortingsrepresentant Karita Bekkemellem (AP) i hijabdebatten som har ført til opprettelsen av Facebook-gruppen. Stifteren av gruppen, en kvinne i begynnelsen av 30-årene som SHÄDY ÄCRES har vært i kontakt med, går knallhardt ut mot den tidligere statsråden: — I kveldens sending av programmet «Studio5» på kanalen FEM sammenlikner den tidligere Barne- og likestillingsministeren bruk av hijab med omskjæring av kvinner. Det blir faen meg for dumt.

Det blir faktisk så dumt at det føles som å få en kniv stukket dypt inn i urinrøret, mener kvinnen: — Vi er imot omskjæring i Norge, og jeg har faktisk lyst til å sette dette i den samme kategorien, sier hun, og fortsetter: — Etter jeg har hørt Karita Bekkemellem uttale seg kan det gå dager før jeg er i stand til å gjennomføre samleie. Nå må noen snart ta ansvar og sveise sammen tennene på den damen.

Nær kokepunktet
— Det er forferdelig at flotte, vakre jenter skal være tvunget til å høre på synspunktene til Karita Bekkemellem, sier kvinnen videre. Etter opprettelsen av Facebook-gruppen har hun fått støtte fra over 75.000 medlemmer. Utspillet har dog også blitt møtt med en del kritikk: — Jeg fikk en SMS fra en person i rally-miljøet som sa at det er hårreisende å sammenlikne det å høre noen prate med kjønnslemlestelse.

Til SHÄDY ÄCRES fastholder kvinnen dog at sammenlikningen er helt relevant: — Dette handler om prinsippet om et fritt liv og at Karita Bekkemellem ikke skal få begrense kvinners seksualitet. Jeg synes det er helt uakseptabelt at staten skal være med og bygge opp under dette, sier kvinnen til SHÄDY ÄCRES. Hun understreker at de som vil la Karita Bekkemellem få komme til orde i media sikkert har de beste intensjoner for et mer tolerant og inkluderende samfunn, men at dette er helt feil vei å gå.

Må være uredde
— Kjønnslemlestelse er kanskje verre enn å høre på Karita Bekkemellem, om ikke annet fordi det har mer varige konsekvenser for kvinnene som utsettes for det. Men til syvende og sist handler det om det samme. Vi må være uredde og tørre å sette grenser for hva som er akseptabelt i dagens samfunn, sier hun.


Fakta om Facebook:

* Facebook er i dag et nettsamfunn hvor 1,5 millioner nordmenn er registrert som brukere.


* 53 prosent av alle nettbrukere i Norge mellom 15-75 år bruker nettsamfunn. Nesten 20 prosent av Norges nettbefolkning i alderen 15-75 år er innom nettsamfunnet sitt daglig.


* Hoveddelen av Facebook-brukerne opererer med åpen identitet, noe forskere regner med er årsaken til at nettsamfunnet har hatt sterk tiltrekningskraft på voksne brukere.


* Facebook er et godt sted å starte for den som ønsker å kjøpe brukte truser av tenåringsjenter.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Siste nytt: Brundevik i skattesvik

Tidligere statsmaneter Gro Magne Brundevik kokaintatt i OL-byen! Hjem i skamdale! SV får skylden!

Si din mening i kommentarfeltet under!

Thursday, February 12, 2009

When satellites collide (a clerihew)

When satellites collide,
Stars smile on the inside.
Because stars secretly dislike satellites,
And call them derogatory names like "rattle-tattle kites."

You know that feeling you get?

Like you just want to strip down to your fur boots and come busting out of a flag? Yeah, that's the feeling I'm talking about. When you're ready to slab on some make-up, grab your fake gun and just tear a big hole in that brownish canvas. That's the feeling I'm looking for. Good. Good. OK, imagine you're a sort of Slavic stone age militia prostitute. Now clench your teeth. Perfect! And hold it... *Click*

It's in the box.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

FYI: I've been trying a new type of drink today

It's called "beer". I like it.

Brainstorming like fucking crazy

Israel elections: Nazi Jews on the go. No surprises there.

Idea for project: Copy literary style of typical skin mag letters section to produce “erotic” short stories that aren’t the least bit erotic: “Last Friday I happened to walk my neighbours’ teenage daughter home from school. She’s a lively, blond girl, well developed for her age, and we’ve always been able to talk freely about everything. This Friday she was wearing her school uniform as always. On the way through the woods we decided to rest for a bit on a bench in a secluded clearing. We sat there for about four minutes while I smoked a cigarette, and then continued home. The End.”

Or: “My wife is very good-looking for her age, and always gets a lot of attention from other men. Last Friday I took her to IKEA to buy a new sofa.” Elaborate description of sofa shopping experience follows. The End.

Possible characters for great Scandinavian novel: Depressed self-harming emo boy named Reuben who fakes own suicide because squeamish. Typical right wing policeman tormented by shame because of secret hijab fetish. Woman who shaves her pedigree cats incessantly and has sordid affair with Polish tenant in basement. Hey! This could be like a dysfunctional family!

OK, so they live in a house, and they’ve started adding balconies and extra bathrooms willy-nilly because of economic upswing. But then BAM! recession hits, and now the old house is sort of engulfed by the new house like a shell. New house has eerie, studio lot feeling. Windows barred by rockwool. No light penetrates to inside of house. It’s like a mineshaft or a bomb shelter in there. Ironically the Polish tenant in the basement has the only functioning window.

Idea for TV game show: Members of opposing political parties provided with automatic rifles and sent into woods to shoot it out once and for all. No quarter, no prisoners. People would want to see this. This could be the cash cow.

Monday, February 09, 2009

Faen

Stoltenberg-rapportens konklusjoner ligger så tett opp av mine egne forsvarspolitiske synspunkter at jeg ser meg tvunget til å endre mening. Fra nå av tar jeg til orde for innsettelsen av ufleksible, ikke-tverfaglige innsatsstyrker langt fra verdens brennpunkter, gjerne kombinert med et allianseforhold til Uruguay.

Friday, February 06, 2009

Bollocks

John Pilger on the politics of bollocks.

- Menn med fiskerskjegg er ikke egnet til å bli filosofer

Menn som må gå med fiskerskjegg for å posisjonere seg kulturelt, bør ikke bli professor emeritus i filosofi. Det mener en normal person SHÄDY ÄCRES har vært i kontakt med.

Den helt vanlige borgeren er sterkt bekymret over at Universitetet i Lüleå tillater eldre professorer å kultivere fiskerskjegg.

- Som akademiker er man representant for en statlig instans som driver med normalitet. Da må man legge unormale ting som fiskerskjegg til side, sier den normale.

Nøytralt
Han mener det er naturlig at akademia skal speile befolkningen for øvrig, og at det skal være bred rekruttering både når det gjelder klasse, religion og etnisitet.

- Men dersom personen ikke skjønner at en må legge private og gruppemessige markører til side, er vedkommende ikke klare for å rekrutteres til akademia, sier den normale.

Han mener det særlig i disse dager er viktig at akademia er nøytralt, når så mange konflikter oppstår rundt kultur og kulturell symbolikk.

Omstridt
- Hvordan skulle professorer med fiskerskjegg kunne forvente å bli tatt alvorlig når de skal undervise normal ungdom uten gammelkonservative vestlandsverdier? Det sier seg selv at dette er svært problematisk, sier borgeren.

Forslaget om å tillate professorer i filosofi å kultivere fiskerskjegg blir omfavnet av både Pensjonistpartiet og Kystpartiet. Men verken Sosialistisk Venstreparti eller Akademikernes Fellesforbund mener at det bør være lov å bruke den kulturelle markøren.
(© NTB)

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

It's so cold in the house right now -

Ask me how cold it is.

Monday, February 02, 2009

Yet again SHÄDY ÄCRES makes a nice little