Friday, January 30, 2009

Whaaat?

"Tone Damli Aaberge håper deltakelsen i Melodi Grand Prix vil selge flere eksemplarer av sin nye plate." Melder BA.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Have an ethical day

Those who know me will testify that I'm all about one thing, and one thing only: Ethics. I don't care who you are, where you live or what you do for a living, if you don't got ethics you're in big trouble mister. Or ms.

That's why I'm happy as a clam right now, because my employer, the great city of Lüleå, has just started a new campaign for ethics in the workplace. Finally! I've been clamouring for years.

The campaign requires every worker to wear a button inscribed with an inspirational word. Words like: Open. Humane. Honest. Caring. Strong.

In the spirit of democracy we get to choose the word ourselves. Isn't it the most wonderful thing you've ever heard in your life? Somebody up at City Hall had a real eureka moment.

Now, my job is pretty menial to begin with. I work with the mentally disabled, but enough about my co-workers. I have no education to speak of, no career, in fact when I think about it, hm, I have no real prospects in life except maybe having a drink and getting laid once in a while. So now that I have to wear a button that says humane my life is simply perfect.

Or it would have been perfect if it wasn't for the typo.

Unfortunately I found a little spelling error on my button. It said uncorrupt. "Hey wait, that's not a word," I thought to myself, and being the conscientious worker I am, I quickly grabbed the correction fluid. Hey presto, problem solved.

Thank you for your attention, drones. Return to your work stations.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Back from Stöckfisck, ye olde capital city

AND NOW IT'S BLÖGGINGS TIMES! Yes, my canaries. Here's a little update to help you get as psyched as I am: We've been drunk more or less every day - WOOOOOOOO!!! - we saw Martin, there was snow, then rain. One disappointment though: We saw no celebrities. Except one guy Martin insisted was semi-famous in certain parts of the "scene" as he calls it. Then when we got on the plane home BAM! it's celebrity time!

All the töppen of the pöppen musicians were going home from the Spielenmeister Awards AND PEOPLE WERE IN THEIR SEATS SO THEY HAD TO MOVE PLEASE!!!!! Yes that's right, scuttle scuttle little insignificant commoners, here come the famous people. And I'm thinking: Wow - I've never seen so many famous people in one place before. To tell you the truth it was kind of unnerving because, and I don't know if you're aware of this, celebrities can seriously jynx air travel. Those people are like glitzy magnets to violent death. You should stay clear of them if you can.

Anyway, so we get to Fläskland airport and then BAM! all the famous people's famous friends are there to meet them! I'm not kidding! It was like an A-list celebrity front page extravaganza fame orgy sandwich and we were right in the middle of it!!! And you know what the funny thing was? WE TOTALLY OUT-COOLED THEM! HAHAHA!!!! They kept giving us these little secret glances, like: "Who are those amazing people - they're way cooler than us... Look at that guy with his super hot girlfriend and angelic genius kid, I'd give my brand new Spielenmeister award to have what he has." I'm not making this up! Eat that, famous people! And they didn't even know about my other breathtakingly handsome and spectacular kid! It was awesome and you should be as psyched about it as I am.

In honour of this great occasion I hereby solemnly declare that every single SHÄDY ÄCRES reader will have the super most knäsh week of their lives! Yes - if you read this you will be extra happy and lucky for exactly one week guaranteed. Start buying those lottery tickets, people. WOOOOOOOOOO! GET PSYYYYYYYYYYYYYCHED!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Stöckfisck bound

We are bound for Stöckfisck to cool the berries. Why? Because they were getting too hot. Do NOT give me any hassle about the berries, because I am on the edge of the edge. OK, see youse in the humourous periodicals.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

The cooling -

- of the berry.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Quick notes to Obama's inaugural address

- Over the top, even for this guy. I mean REALLY.
- Thanks Bush for "service to nation". Hellooooooo. "But he has to say that." Oh? You mean he can't say what he wants now that he's president?
- Mos majorum. Always with the mos majorum. What's up with that, Erica? You are not the Roman Empire, bitches.
- Pretends as usual to know innermost thoughts of every dead Erican. "They did it precisely because they believed..." Shut up.
- Too much mention of "our adversaries" and their "defeat". Chilling.
- Frank Sinatra quote??? Sending weird signal to mob demographic?
- "We will harness the sun to fuel our cars!" Whoa there, Ikaros.
- "Ready to lead" (implicitly: the world): "To all other peoples and governments who are watching today, we come in peace. To RULE YOU." Go away, mr. Roman centurion, we have our own civilization, thank you.
- "We will not apologize for our way of life." Well you should, you obese oil-guzzlers.
- "And for those who seek to advance their aims by inducing terror and slaughtering innocents, with the notable exception of Israel, I say today..." Somehow not convincing.
- "America must play its role in ushering in a new era of peace." Chilling. Is this guy a schizoid maybe? Must investigate further.
- Suggests that all Ericans should be inhabited by the spirits of "fallen heroes (who) whisper through the ages". In other words, possessed by dead soldiers. Excorcist, please!
- "This is the source of our confidence - the knowledge that GOD calls on us to shape an uncertain destiny. And by God I mean MOLOCH BAAL, eater of souls!!!!"
- Quotes George Washington: "Let it be told to the future world that in the depth of winter, when nothing but hope and virtue could survive, that the city and the country, alarmed at one common danger, came forth to meet it." Passage from Thomas Paine's pamphlet "The Crisis"? Misquote??
- "America. In the face of our common dangers, in this winter of our hardship, let us remember these timeless words. With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come. Let it be said by our children's children that when we were tested we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God's grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations." Jesus fucking Christ, how far over the top is this? That whole wedding cake paragraph translates to: "America. Forward." Yes, but in what direction?

UPDATE: Yes, thanks to the almighty power of google I can now confirm that President Obama did indeed deliver a total and complete misquote in his inaugural address: Thomas Paine, The Crisis. Look for the paragraph which begins: "Quitting this class of men, I turn with the warm ardor of a friend to those who have nobly stood..."

FAIL!

Ascension Island

I’m running out of paper. I’m running out of words.
Words run off the paper like egg whites into the sink.
Cook’s hands separate the words from the paper
And discard them. Cook’s hands use the yolks

To make lunch for workers on yellow bulldozers.
Yellow bulldozers level the black, volcanic sand of Ascension Island
To build the air strip and later the golf course. Ascension Island does not exist,
Or Ascension Island does exist and its main export is stamps.

Cook does not exist, or Cook does exist and his fat, black head
is very fat and very black against the glossy white tile of the kitchen.
Cook’s fat head is thinking: I am running out of eggs.
Cook’s fat head is thinking: I am running out of pepper.

If Cook runs out of eggs there will be no lunch for the workers
And the yellow bulldozers will eventually stop running.
If Cook runs out of pepper the black volcanic sand
Will not be levelled to build the airstrip

And Ascension Island will eventually sink
Into the South Atlantic, making for a single moment
A gap in the Gulf of Guinea
For the waves to smooth over.

Friday, January 16, 2009

NEW! SUPER DUPER!

Now with more than twice the quotes and sample image found in work PC!

"My best guess is that the late-night hosts will have to reinvent their shows now that political humor will cease to exist. Most likely, you’ll see Letterman replace all of his comedy material with cooking segments, household safety demonstrations, poetry readings, and public service announcements imploring America’s teenagers to practice sound physical and social hygiene. Either that, or the Obama administration will prove fallible, and mockery of government will continue as it has for most of recorded history. Could go either way."

Joe Grossman, writer for David Letterman, comments on the Obama comedy crisis in NY Times.

-------------

"More than any president since he was an infant, Mr. Obama has taken a place in society that extends beyond political leadership."

NY Times has brilliant, thought-provoking analysis of the infant emperor.

-------------

"Jeg gikk med munnlås i tre måneder."

Bonita Veggimellom (44) burde kastet nøkkelen, mener eksperter.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Big reward! Huge! Where did it go!

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Jeg gider næsten ikke sproget og kan ikke finde det

Det er tomt her inde. Sproget har flyttet sig ud af sig selv
Og kun knoglerne ligger tilbage. Språket bor ikke her lenger,
Har reist langt vekk og blitt til støy på en øde øy.
Vi må finne språket! Vi reiser ut for å finne språket.

Vi hører bråket når vi nærmer oss språket. Vi hører nedslagene
Langt inne i hverdagene. Gjennom gifttåkene skimter vi skriftspråkene,
De skriver hverandre i filler helt til de faller. Men slaget om sproget
Kan ikke vindes fordi sproget ikke findes i det hele taget, eller noget.

Gud velsigne sproget. Sproget er en knogle pillet af en rovfugl.
Du kan få en røvfuld. Du kan desuden få huden fuld på hundrede måder,
Du kan få en lammer, jeg kan slå dig med en hammer fordi du stammer.
Hvem har du kysset i dit talerør, lille Ann Mari?

De snakker ikke om andet der nede på heden for tiden. De har
knald i låget. Geden halter fordi nogen eller nogle
Har skrevet med blæk i margen af den knogle
Som er sproget.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Hello? Yes, it's me, dead Brezhnev

Hey, it's me, I'm just calling from my dacha in the People's Afterlife to congratulate doctors Gilbert and Fosse on their super instant mega deLuxe Nobel prizes for awesomeness and excellence.

Yes. Yes. OK.

I have to say I'm a little bit jealous, though. I don't know if you heard, but the assholes posthumously revoked my Order of Victory medal. Yes. Yes they did. I didn't "meet the requirements" apparently... Pah! So what if I was the only recipient to get it after the end World War II? It was still one of my favorites.

Anywho, I'm doing just fine, I sit around in my underwear all day, the Nembutal addiction is not a problem anymore... What? Afghanistan? Yes I heard! Ha ha ha! It cracks me up.

Again, GREAT to hear about Gilbert and Fosse. Our warped plan for evil communist world domination is working out just perfectly. Keep them guessing, that's what I say. Let's just keep saving those babies, yak yak yak about human rights and stuff, and then when those imperialist swine start feeling safe BAM! we hit them with the world revolution. SURPRISE motherfucker!

OK, super, I'm off to smoke a cigar with Lenin and the boys... Oh BTW, Che says hi. Yeah, he snuck in on a tourist visa and now we can't get rid of him. Ha ha! He's a crazy kid, but we all love him. Bit of a primadonna.

OK, kiss kiss, bye bye. No, you hang up! No, you hang up!

OK, kiss kiss. Byyyye.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Fosse and Gilbert awarded bodacious prize

In a small ceremony today at our place, Norwegian doctors Erik Fosse and Mads Gilbert were awarded the first ever instant Nobel super prize by The Royal Finnmärsker Academy of Sciences for "being totally awesome", "too cool for school", and also "they rock". The laureates were not available for comment because they were out there being excellent.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

It's a classic

Ah, the good old "accidentally grating your own finger instead of the parmesan" trick.

Friday, January 09, 2009

Fury

Be quiet, Muse! Sprinkle your cherry lips with wine
As molten wax for the waning moon to seal,
And sing no more. Muse of night, hush, and heed
The sound of softly scraping hands beneath the Earth.

Approaching even now from under feet, your cousins,
The grimy Erinyes who dwell in dismal Tartarus,
Come to punish him who has sworn a false oath,
Come to punish him who has broken the ties of kinship.

Fury! Madness! In the beginning when gods were young
And men did not exist, when Kronos the Titan gelded his father,
Blood hardened like cast lead where it broke the virgin water
And the vengeful Erinyes were born. Fury! Madness!

I hear them. Retribution is at hand. That sea is thirsty again
Which once drank the blood of Titans. Sing now, O muse,
To drown out their voices. Name me the cities that have fallen
To besieging armies, pestilence, volcano or earthquake.

Thursday, January 08, 2009

Those goddamn anti-Semites are at it again

Alle disse faguttrykk

"Kvinnen kom fra et eksternt firma, og skulle levere pengesafen til et teknisk rom i underetasjen på Kafé Michelsen. Det var på vei ned trappen det gikk galt. Ifølge en av eierne ble det brukt riktig utstyr under frakten, en klappetratrer. Safen veier 200 kilo, ifølge en av eierne."

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

Dancing on the ceiling (lyrics)


Oh, what a feeling!
When we're dancing on the ceiling -
Oh, it's so revealing!
That our pets have started peeling.

(fade)

Monday, January 05, 2009

Support NORWAC

Please support the solidarity work of the Norwegian Aid Committee by giving a donation to bank account number: 6096.05.13080 - Christiania Bank og Kreditkasse, Oslo, Norway.

Det

Det. Det var det. Det er slut. Det er helt slut. Det er færdigt og der er sat endeligt punktum for det. Inger Christensen er død. Hun er helt død. Går videre end det og er stendød.

OK, den var måske lidt obvious, men det måtte siges.

Sunday, January 04, 2009

A txt from Gaza

"Thanks for your support.. They bombed the central vegetable market in Gaza city two hours ago. 80 injured, 20 killed, it all came here to Shifa. Hades! We wade in death. Blood and amputees. Many children. Pregnant woman. I have never experienced anything so terrible. Now we hear tanks. Tell it, pass it on, shout it. Anything. DO SOMETHING! DO MORE! We're living in the history books now, all of us! Mads G, 3.1.09 13:50, Gaza, Palestine."

Mads Gilbert is a Norwegian doctor and solidarity worker. He is volunteering at a Gaza strip hospital.

Saturday, January 03, 2009

The SHÄDY ÄCRES predictions for 2009

OK I'm drunk so I'm going to be brief like the proverbial penis in a jar.

If you go back through the archives and check our New Year predictions you will see that every single one has come true. So pay heed!

1: Obama. He turns out to be a robot.

2: Finally - the Pacific century! We had the Atlantic centuries - they're so over. The Pacific is the new Atlantic. It's the China-Erica axis with a little Japan and India thrown in. FORGET the Atlantic!!! From now on it's all Pacific.

3: Israel sucks ass. Get with the pogrom already. Nazi Jews are not cool.

4: Russia. Let's face it, they're not going to go away soon. Medvedev turns out to be OK though. No fucking way dude!!!!! Yes way! Surprise! OK maybe not.

5: China. It sucks in so many ways. Still, they have an ancient culture. Like the Etruscans, but more ancienter. STAY China! STAY!

8: Ewrope. It would be nice to see a genuine world leader emerge from the region, but we have put mechanisms in place to ensure that it does not happen in 2009.

15: Africa. Civil war in a starving nation. Devastating famine. Refugee disaster. More famine. Again you helplessly watch it all unfold from your living room. Again you ask yourself why your leaders are so hopelessly incompetent. You cry into your hands, disgusted with your own powerlessness.

Friday, January 02, 2009

My New Year's resolution?



1200 dpi, 24-bit colour, but my scanner disagrees.