Sunday, March 15, 2009

Pearls of wisdom before swine of stupidity (you)

Some of you may not be fully aware of this, but I am a very wise man. I'm so full of wisdom it's hard to even describe how wise I am to ordinary people, but I'll give it a try: Have you seen that movie about the magic ring and the dwarves and the elves and the hobbits? OK. Do you remember the old guy with the beard? OK.

What about that other movie with the light sabers and the golden robot, have you seen that one? OK. Do you remember the tiny, green jedi master who makes things float in the air? OK. And do you remember Mr. Miyagi from Karate Kid? Of course you do. OK. Now try to imagine those three guys, only much, much wiser and without the beards, all rolled into one super wise package. Hey, and you can put a little Mycroft Holmes in there too. Got it? Good. OK. Hold that image in your head.

Now try to imagine that your new composite super sage was raised by a pack of unbelievably sneaky arctic foxes (Alopex lagopus) in the vast alpine regions of northern Finnmärk. Imagine the small pack in danger of extinction, starving and desperate. As you may know, the abundance of arctic foxes tends to fluctuate in cycle with the lemming population, and there just aren't enough lemmings to go around.

Also, the arctic fox is losing ground to its old nemesis, the red fox, which has usurped the niche of top predator in the range ever since the gray wolf was hunted to near extinction. So you see, things are tough for the arctic fox. Things are tough all over.

The elders of the pack therefore decide to send out their sneakiest member on a quest to track the Great White Spirit Fox and hear his advice. Yes, it's the super sage, but without the beard, and in the shape of an arctic fox. Try to stay with me. So this super wise and sneaky fox tries to track the paw prints of the Great White Spirit Fox across a dreamy, arctic landscape, but for weeks and months he finds no scent.

Still he continues relentlessly, only stopping once in a while to hunt. With keen ears he locates his prey, pounces, and punches through the surface of the snow. There, a furry lemming squirms in his claws: "Please," it squeaks, "let me go and I will take you to the place you seek, I will lead you to the Hidden Den of the Great White Spirit Fox!"

He follows the lemming to the foot of a mighty, snow-clad mountain. "From here I am forbidden to go any further," the lemming squeaks, "but follow the dance of the northern lights up the mountain, to the very place from which they spring, and there you will find the Hidden Den of the Great White Spirit Fox." The fox goes on alone, how far he knows not, until he stands at the opening of a great den. He enters.

Green light shines dimly through the icy walls of endless, labyrinthine tunnels. Deeper and deeper the complex network bores into the heart of winter and cold, until finally it opens into an immense burrow. There at the end, huge and unmoving, sits the Great White Spirit Fox, with his great, bushy tail curled around him. A great spear leans against the wall of ice behind him. Reluctantly he opens a single eye to inspect the visitor.

I AM THE GREAT WHITE SPIRIT FOX, a quiet voice whispers inside the mind of the fox. YOU HAVE COME VERY FAR, LITTLE ONE, BUT I CANNOT HELP YOU. YOU MUST GO TO THE LANDS OF THE HUMANS AND SEEK OUT THE ONE THEY CALL MIKKEL; FOR HE IS THE WISEST OF ALL THE HUMANS AND INDEED ALL LIVING THINGS.

And you know what? The little arctic fox did exactly that. And I gave him my advice. I also gave him some anti-parasitic drugs to help cure his mange, which turned out to be caused by some nasty ear ticks. But that's another story.

This is my point: You should take my advice, for I am very wise, and my advice is this: Girls, for the love of God, will you please stop shaving your pussies? I don't know how the hell you got that crazy idea into your heads in the first place, but it's just not working, so stop it. It's not sexy, it looks ridiculous and it irritates the skin. Just stop it, please. Thank you. I'm glad we had this talk.

4 Comments:

Blogger Lasse said...

HA HA HA HA HA HA!

You are REALLY nuts!!!!

12:10 pm  
Blogger Mikkel said...

Yes, nuts like a FOX.

12:49 pm  
Blogger surly fag said...

girls! ignore the old man. shave your twats this instant. and suck you pussies up with a vacuum so they're all nice and plump and pink and then take photos of them and send them to me. or film yourself wanking off your fat little shaven twats and send them to me. thank you. i love you. thanks.

1:50 pm  
Blogger Mikkel said...

She's totally serious, I'm afraid.

2:10 pm  

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