Wednesday, February 25, 2009

The Unicorn of Freedom addresses the nation

Unicorns. Brothers and sisters. Champions of Freedom.

These are trying times. The unicorns, and our allies the dolphins, are at risk. But we will prevail! As long as even one child believes in the power of magic, our automotive industry will be safe.

We have lost some money in the stock markets, sure. Our line of depleted uranium anti-personnel teddy bears was not as big a success as we had hoped, and it seems our woodland elves cannot compete with the Chinese work force. But the fundamentals of our economy are sound: Acorns and squirrel pelts will always be in high demand.

I have taken steps to ensure that our banks are nationalised. I know you don't like that word, because it reminds you of the time we made battle with the Dark Wizards of Clovenhoof Castle, and those guys used that word a LOT. I feel the same way. It's a bad word. But the fact of the matter is that unicorns must adapt to a mixed economy model.

That's why I will now sprinkle rainbow dust over your heads, like so, and you will forget what I just said. Look at the pretty rainbow dust! How wonderful. That stuff never ceases to lift my spirit. Here, let's take some more. Ahhh... OK, that's enough.

Our forces overseas work tirelessly to ensure that the fight for Freedom and Justice continues. Some of them may become over-zealous at times, and that saddens me. I become very sad when I hear such news. That's precisely why I've decided to send another battallion of centaurs to the borders of Arganoth, to stamp out the hummingbird menace once and for all. Detestable hummingbirds with their humming and their flying, mocking our Way of Life! Unicorns have no wings! We are not pegasi!

I was going to say something about the environment. The environment is very important. Unfortunately the environment is also very gay. Yes, it's true. The ecosystem is homosexual. And you know how the Unicorn of Freedom feels about homosexuality. I'm okay with it, as long as they don't come near me or try to touch me. So you see my problem: On the one hand I want to tell you to take care of the environment, but on the other hand I am duty sworn to protect family values. The conclusion is self-evident and undeniable: Unicorns must destroy the world.

Oh, and another thing: I'm building a huge barbed wire fence around our magic kingdom to protect us against zombies and immigrants.

That's it. Peace out from the Unicorn of Freedom.

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