Thursday, May 08, 2008

About my mustache

A wise and dashingly handsome man once said: "There are two kinds of people in the world - those who divide mankind into two categories, and those who think that would be a gross oversimplification." 

Well, I'm here to tell you that by my calculations there are precisely four kinds of people in the world: Those who are ignorant of my mustache (e.g. people in Africa, and until a few seconds ago, you), those who like my mustache (e.g. myself), those who dislike my mustache (e.g. almost everyone I meet), and last (and most puzzlingly) those who act like they haven't noticed my mustache but I suspect they secretly want to touch it. 

OK, I admit there may be a few other categories if you really want to stretch the imagination, like: People who can't make up their mind about my mustache either way, people who know of my mustache through hearsay or the wonder of modern telecommunication, but since they haven't actually seen it they have not formed an opinion yet, dead people, people with split personalities, and so on. But let's try to keep it serious here. 

I've had a mustache all my life, or at least for as long as I can remember, and as a consequence I have gained insight into many things. I want to share those insights with you. 

First of all: The tips of a mustache must be of equal length. Otherwise your head will start slanting from the extra weight, and after a while it will snap off and roll down the road causing a traffic accident. Keeping the tips even is very hard work. It's like this: You shave one side of the face, then the other, and it looks fine. You wash off the shaving foam residue (how does that stuff get into your ears??), you apply the red chili peppers and gunpowder soaked in pure alcohol, or regular after shave lotion if you're gay, and you put the bowie knife back in the sheath. A few hours pass. Then, walking past a hallway mirror, you notice that your mustache looks all wrong. One side is much longer than the other. 

God dammit! Back to the bath room. You meticulously measure the growth from the corner of you mouth, and snip off a few hairs. But now the other side looks too long. Snip snip. And a bit on the left again. Snip snip snip. What the fuck. You begin to wonder if maybe it's your mouth that's uneven. After a while you finally get it right, and you go about your business. 

A few hours later you're in town, shopping for gunpowder and chili, and as is your habit, you cast secret glances at your handsome face reflected in shop windows. All of a sudden you realize what the problem is: One of your sideburns is a little longer than the other, and cut at a slightly different angle, which has completely distorted your perception of the mustache! The mustache is clearly uneven. You must rush home and correct the ghastly error asap zulu. 

Once again it's snip snip, snip snip snip, and the mustache looks even, but now the tips are too round. You want pointy tips. Snip snip snip. There. Finally you can go about your business with the rock solid confidence you can only get from an even mustache. Until an hour later when you catch a glimpse of your face reflected in a tea kettle. 

Before you go any further, here's my advice: Accept the fact that your mustache will always look a little uneven, or be prepared to end up looking like Adolf Hitler. The end.


Blogger Viktor Viktorsen said...

In Deutschland assoziert man Mustaschen mit grossem Erfolg - und Geld! :-)

8:35 pm  
Blogger Mikkel said...

In Norwegen assoziert man Åslaug Haga mit Kuhdüngemittel - und Nepotismus! :-(

10:52 am  
Blogger mrtn said...

I belong in the category of people who have been made aware of your glorified five o'clock shadow/moustache through the wonders of modern telecommunication, but have not yet seen it at high enough resolution to make up their minds. We demand visual proof!

And I do find your descriptions of moustache upkeep to be a little incomplete. There is no mention of the tedious process of daily bowie-knife-sharpening, and you have completely neglected to discuss adequate disposal methods for the trimmings. Such powerful and potent symbols of manliness can't just be left lying around for some oestrogen-laden garbage disposal worker to be exposed to, now can they? Proper waste management in beard upkeep is, as it is in all things, the key. I suggest using a sealable plastic container, such as tupperware (or a film canister for minor trimming) and taking it carefully to a dangerous waste disposal unit for destruction.

9:40 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

sitter i tokyo og trenger mail adr til sara. send mail til kvhoegee at og faa siste nytt:)

12:17 pm  
Blogger nadiac said...

you hilarious gallah.

i was imagining my dad as scene from photographs in the early 80s. god he was hot then, and the moustache really set off his face, note i spell moustache correctly, but yeah he's really gone downhill over the years. he's got the gnome thing going on these days... you'll get that soon too as you head into the autumn years and then woops all of a sudden it's winter and you're dying of face cancer.

7:01 pm  
Anonymous ungovernable said...

my prediction is that you won't ever get face cancer, but the tea kettle reflection will haunt your memory for years... i saw the real thing and it's quite becoming (or maybe i'm just slightly polite for a change). your face can definitely bear it. thing is.. are you wearing flannel shirts too, or is that just a dirty mind trick?

12:32 pm  
Anonymous spinoza said...

I touched it while you were sleeping.

Hope you don't mind.

2:44 pm  

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