Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Remember me on this computer

Christina Milian is one of todays hottest female artists and did recently go out with Nick Cannon. She has a beautiful body and looks so good in a bikini or no matter what she is wearing. Christina Milian has to be one of todays hottest music artist in either BET or MTV. She in this picture is currently modeling and looks beautiful in that outfit that she is made to wear from ambercrombie and fitch and makes all women seem that she is the one to marry. Today Christina Milian switched to new blogger, e.g. scooters, vacation, fall. Christina Milian is one of the greatest actors and artists that is a female in today's recording studio.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Miss, I have a question about today's special?

Monday, January 29, 2007

Hello from Beyond

Breastfeeding is eating away at my short-term memory. I even forget to write stuff down on notes, and if I do, I forget them. On a brighter note, my breasts are larger than ever.

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Mom, get off my back

My mother, bless her soul, just wouldn't stop pestering me about drawing the baby, so I caved in. See how angelic he looks. You should have heard him last night though, when he had to sleep in his own bed for the first time. The little creature sounded like a middle sized klaxon during the London blitz. We call it "Falk's alarm".

Saturday, January 27, 2007

Sara gave me Civilization IV for Christmas

That's why no posting. Must go now, cities under siege.

Monday, January 22, 2007

When Ask commandeered the harbour ferry

(Photos: Martin)

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Wait a minute, wait a minute, mister postman

Yesterday, a rather large square box arrived from Colorado.
Inside there was a lovely card and cool gifts for Falk and his older brother Ask...
... a box of really, really good chocolates for me...
... and UH, something for Dad too: ...
... yep. A really cool transatlantic plastic hat.

FALK

It's four in the morning...

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Stöckfisck party people rule OK

Friday, January 19, 2007

This should clear up a few things


My map is conclusive. I will not tolerate objections.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

For Ask

The girl on the fourth floor

Many years ago I had a friend who played the bass, a guy from the east country. When I first met him he was on a short-term contract for a musical production of Little Orphan Annie. We would sit in the sun outside the theatre between rehearsals, drinking beer and smoking joints. He was always complaining about the two horrible twelve-year-olds who shared the lead role. And then suddenly the show was over and he was out of a job.

About the same time, I was offered a job that required a crew of three, so I asked him and another one of my deadbeat friends to help me out. We were to lower the floor of a cellar in a house up by the park, a low, cool room down a flight of stairs from the street. Huge stone slabs covered three quarters of the floor, the remaining corner was concrete. That’s where we took our breaks if it rained outside, sitting up against one of the supporting beams.

The guy who owned the house had offered me a fixed price, money right in the hand, and the job was supposed to take two weeks, three at the most. Well what do you know.

We constructed a ramp and wrestled the huge granite slabs to the dumpster at the curb using a pallet and some ropes. I don’t know what they weighed, maybe two, three hundred kilos each. It took longer than we had expected. And then when we finally started digging we found that a subterranean stream ran through the dirt underneath, making most of it the consistency of really heavy porridge. Then of course we had to break the concrete floor up. Pretty soon we didn’t have much to sit on.

We started taking longer and longer breaks each day, smoking cigarettes in the light of a halogen lamp and cursing the guy upstairs.

After work we would most often go somewhere to drink beer and smoke joints. My other friend was married at that time to a girl we gradually came to realize was a compulsive liar. We would sit in their living room exchanging glances when she started telling about the time her junkie boyfriend died in her arms, or the time she took a pilot’s exam and flew to Brazil. I can’t remember all of her ridiculous stories, but there were tons of them.

The bass player, when he was stoned, often became overly sensitive to social signals. He just couldn’t take the awkwardness of sitting there when we all knew she was lying, and she knew that we knew, and we knew that she knew that we knew. After a while we started going to his flat by the bridge instead, which he was renting on a short-term basis since the whole building was going to be demolished to make room for some sort of soundproofing on the bridge or something.

The two of us would sit there stoned, with the TV on in the background, him playing his bass, me scribbling little drawings on Post-it notes. Little faces mostly. It was a nice flat, but he didn’t have much furniture because he kept selling it. When he needed money for dope he would sell a chair or some of his records. His vinyl collection dwindled down to a few Steely Dan albums that summer.

The thing was, he had decided to go back east. The house was condemned, so in a couple of months he had to be out of it anyway. He was just killing time ‘til then. When we finally finished the cellar job and got paid, well he didn’t really feel he had to leave the flat much anymore. Mostly he just went out for food and dope, and he only stayed in touch with those of us who came to see him. If you wanted to talk to him you had to come to the flat.

It was around that time he developed an interest in the house across the street. It was a wide street and he was on the fifth floor, so he had a good view. Since he was home all the time he began noticing the people coming and going. He soon knew who lived where, with whom, and if they worked or not. He even made guesses at their professions: That guy is a plumber. He and his wife had a fight yesterday. I think he may be having an affair. Things like that.

His own building being condemned, most of the tenants had already moved away. From the outside the house looked almost empty. Maybe that was why the people across the street seldom bothered to draw their curtains. They were endlessly fascinating to him, it was like a soap opera unfolding right across the street. He confessed to me that he would sometimes hide behind the living room curtains, stealthily gathering little clues.

It was hard for him to pull away from it, even if he had visitors. He would sit on the couch with his back to the window, but he kept turning his head. You have to see this, he would say, the schoolteacher is taking her dog for a walk, or; looks like the three students are having another party.

One time when I came to see him he quickly let me into the dark hallway. He was whispering to me, impatiently: Come in, come in, quickly. The girl on the fourth floor just came home. You have to see this. I followed him into the dark kitchen and we knelt down behind the counter. Across the street a young girl of maybe sixteen was walking into her bedroom. She put her knapsack on the floor, took off her jacket and started undressing. It was like we weren’t there, and of course we weren’t to her.

When she was down to her underwear she took up position in front of a large closet door mirror. She just stood there, expressionless, examining herself. After a while she turned to one side, straightened her back a little, sucked in the belly. Then she turned 180 degrees to look at herself from the other side, one hand on the back, one on the front. She turned around and looked at her ass, bending over ever so slightly, scrutinizing it for a long time. Then she returned to the front again. She cocked her head a little. She turned to the side. She lifted up her hair. She let it down again. She returned to the front. It went on and on and on.

My friend the bass player was holding his cigarette down below the counter so the glow wouldn’t give us away. Look at her, he whispered. She can stand like that for hours.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Vækkelsesmøde

Den norske pianist Kjell Bækkelund vil sammen med Klaus Rifbjerg drage på en provokationsturné gennem Skandinavien.

- Du hvad hedder røv på ny-norsk?

Kiss the exo-skeleton

Today we reintroduce comment moderation for your convenience.

Monday, January 15, 2007

Meanwhile, back at the farm




"In an age characterized by the Jewish-Capitalistic illusions of gold, rank and class, the National Socialist People’s State stands as an everlasting monument of social justice and clarity of reason. It will survive not only this war, but the coming millennium!"
(Adolf Hitler, tea-leaf reader)

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Espresso, huge maps, civilized debate

So I’m up bright and early, thanks to prisoner 01, drinking an amazingly nasty brand of espresso that I bought by mistake, and listening to Leonard Cohen whine about his women. He really should be whining more about his money instead these days. Women and money… What else is there to whine about? Well, my espresso for one. Tastes like gritty tar with a bit of sugar to be honest.

My huge map is coming along fine, thanks for asking. It’s a political map of Europe 1939-1945 in a scale of 1:6 million Jews. It’s for a board game I’m making, called “spot the similarities, idiots”. It’s for the American market. Happy five year anniversary, guys! You must be so proud.

Sorry about that. I just happen to find that the best way to keep myself awake in the morning is to shout simplistic anti-American slogans and shake my fist. You should try it.

For some reason I love maps, so much in fact that when I left the army I liberated a complete set of NATO restricted 1:50.000 bridge and cross country movement maps of the Danish islands Sjælland, Lolland and Falster, detailing amongst other things all passable routes for medium tanks and APCs into the Danish capital. Unless of course by any chance you are from the Army Audit Corps, in which case I didn’t and this is fiction.

Yesterday I returned to work after my measly two weeks leave and I kept thinking to myself: What am I doing here and where the hell is the baby? It really pisses me off that society (yes, I’m talking to you) thinks so little of my parenting skills just because I have a set of penises instead of a breast. I may look strange with my shirt off, but I’m not an animal you know.

So here’s what I propose: We double the 54 week maternity leave AND we make it mandatory! Yes, I know exactly what all you educated middle class feminists out there are thinking: He wants us back in the kitchen, the fallocratic bastard. Shut up bitch, I wasn’t finished:

We double the 54 week maternity leave; we make it mandatory… and then we GIVE ONE HALF OF IT TO THE FATHER!!!!!

Whoa, what a mindbender. Try to get your head around that one.

Yes, I can see your head is spinning. Equal rights for BOTH genders? Validating the role of the male parent while at the same time supporting the position of the female in the job market?? Combating employment discrimination by dividing the risk of pregnancy FIFTY-FIFTY??? But, but… ARE YOU INSANE????? No I’m not, you ass-guitar. You’re not listening. Try to follow me on this.

But, but… Wouldn’t it be really expensive to take so many combined annual workloads out of the market? Wouldn’t it eat a big chunk out of the economy? Yes it would, you snot-monkey, but I have a plan for that too.

Here’s what we do: We double the 54 week conscription and expand the call-up to include assignments in the entire public sector, thereby filling the gaps with cheap labour. Yes, I know exactly what all you spotty teenage boys are thinking: Why should WE bear the burden? That is like totally unfair, dude. Well, put a cork in it, penis-anchovy, and hear me out:

We expand our current conscription system, introducing a universal two year mandatory state service… and then we MAKE IT MANDATORY FOR WOMEN AS WELL AS MEN!!!!!

Whoa, what a mindbender. Try to get your head around that one.

Yes, I can see your head is spinning. Equal duties for BOTH genders? Free, unskilled labour for every public arena? Using a large, enrolled work force to solve the staffing crisis in the healthcare sector?? Making young men and women serve in the police force or as aid workers in the third world in exchange for the right to vote??? But, but… ARE YOU INSANE????? No I’m not. I’m so sane that I just solved two major societal problems before breakfast.

Now if could only make a decent cup of espresso.

Move along.

Friday, January 12, 2007

Theme: Crazy girlfriends

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Tousle my hair while I write you a poem

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

For God's sake don't panic -

- But I have reason to believe musical tarantulae the size of Puglia are watching our every move.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

This is only of interest to ion

Sealand is for sale by a Spanish real estate agent.
Price: 750,000,000.00 Euros.

Sunday, January 07, 2007

The rain in Finnmärk falls mainly on me

Nothing much to report. I'm making a huge map. Prisoner 01 is well.

Friday, January 05, 2007

It happened exactly like this

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

I’m confused

In reaction to the rushed hanging of former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein, Special UN Representative in Iraq, Ashraf Qazi, says the following:

"The United Nations stands firmly against impunity, and understands the desire for justice felt by many Iraqis. Based on the principle of respect for the right to life, however, the United Nations remains opposed to capital punishment, even in the case of war crimes, crimes against humanity and genocide."

Newly elected, excuse me, newly appointed UN glandular secretion Banksy Moonie, on the other hand, has only the following to say about the matter: "The issue of the death penalty is up to the member states to decide".

Already we see the contours of a great world leader.

I’m OK, you’re a tit

Today my week old son blew a gum bubble the exact shape, size and colour of his mother. The resemblance was so uncanny, if I hadn't known better I would have said she was breastfeeding him. That boy is so talented.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

I know what many of you are thinking

How on earth does that handsome, mysterious man manage to make such chillingly accurate predictions, time and time again? The answer is simple, as you can see by this helpful diagram. If you would only allow yourselves to look past your childish pre-conceptions, you would understand how I seek the answers deep below my conscious mind, in the deeper mind that taps directly into the Universal Databanks.

Monday, January 01, 2007

The 12 SHÄDY ÄCRES predictions for 2007

Here in Lüleå it is an unwritten rule that everything which happens twice must immediately become a tradition. Last January we accurately predicted everything that would happen in 2006, with only a few minor inaccuracies. This year we up the stakes and gaze even deeper into the crystal ball:


1: In Russia, President Putin announces his intention not only to dismantle any remnants of a free and independent press, but also to abolish the written word altogether. From now on all public communication will be in the form of Morse coded armpit farting, a stone faced Kremlin spokesperson armpit farts.

2: In South America a new species of orchid is discovered deep in the rainforest. It looks and tastes remarkably like a delicious bratwurst, but is deadly even in small quantities. Native American witch doctors are alarmed, calling it a sign of the impending apocalypse. Scientists disagree, pointing to a process they describe as “natural selection”.

3: The United Nations, under the new leadership of that Korean guy, a) fails to reaffirm faith in fundamental human rights, in the dignity and worth of the human person, in the equal rights of men and women and of nations large and small, and b) fails to establish conditions under which justice and respect for the obligations arising from treaties and other sources of international law can be maintained, and c) fails to promote social progress and better standards of life in larger freedom, and d) fails to make member states practice tolerance and live together in peace with one another as good neighbours, and e) fails to make member states unite their strength to maintain international peace and security, and f) fails to ensure, by the acceptance of principles and the institution of methods, that armed force shall not be used, save in the common interest, and g) fails to employ international machinery for the promotion of the economic and social advancement of all peoples.

4: The entire population of Asia all of a sudden decides to change their diet and stop eating rice altogether. “It’s just… bland”, they complain.

5: The Vatican announces that the Pope has become “really, really, really bored” with “this crazy Catholic inclination to try and regulate fucking”, and so the Holy Roman Catholic Church will not meddle further in sexuality or family issues. As this leaves nothing much to talk about, from now on the Pope will “focus on managing the Vatican soccer team”, a statement reads.

6: The entire Australian population is by now employed within the field of television broadcasting, mostly as CNN anchorpersons. The deserted continent, again entrusted to the care of the aboriginal tribes, reverts to a mystical virgin state of timeless, natural equilibrium - The Dreaming. This is followed rapidly by The Sleepwalking, when the great land mass unexpectedly lifts itself from the ocean floor and floats away from the things of man.

7: In answer to this, continental Europe rotates 145 degrees counter clockwise, putting Scandamanavia where Spain used to be.

8: The War on Terror, which has now lasted longer than the Second World War, is becoming old news on a planet with attention deficit disorder. A worldwide US sponsored media campaign intended to give the War on Terror a little “zing” causes controversy when a Guantanamo Bay-inspired musical entitled The Sound of Musical Torture literally bombs.

9: The Arab World (if such a thing really exists) continues to wage war upon itself and everybody else in the name of ancient gibberish, this year employing terrible new wunderwaffen: The air-to-surface suicide bungee chicken and the handheld halal banana daiquiri.

10: The US military leadership continues to kill and injure vast numbers of innocent people around the globe, and, through inaction, continues to allow even larger numbers of people to come to harm. On a larger scale, the USA, home to only 5% of the global population but also strangely 25% of the world’s prison inmates, endeavours to promote even greater social inequality worldwide, causing an even further deterioration of human dignity and geopolitical stability - all in the name of market capitalism, an outdated economic system which, duh, is destroying the planet and making life miserable for all of us. This continues until America, hypnotized by its own incessant rhetoric of democracy, talks itself into a corner and is forced to accept a worldwide referendum which decides with 95% majority to dissolve the United States of America once and for all.

11: The state of Israel, like a battered child grown up to become just like its father, continues to bully an entire region, completely ignoring the obvious lessons of the holocaust. One scientific study concludes that the real cause of global warming is the heat generated by the underground rotation of 6 million Jewish death camp victims turning over in their graves.

12: In Africa, civil war in an already starving nation leads to another devastating famine followed by another refugee disaster, followed by yet more famine. Again you helplessly watch it all unfold from your living room. Again you ask yourself why your leaders are so hopelessly incompetent. You cry into your hands, disgusted with your own powerlessness.