Monday, January 01, 2007

The 12 SHÄDY ÄCRES predictions for 2007

Here in Lüleå it is an unwritten rule that everything which happens twice must immediately become a tradition. Last January we accurately predicted everything that would happen in 2006, with only a few minor inaccuracies. This year we up the stakes and gaze even deeper into the crystal ball:


1: In Russia, President Putin announces his intention not only to dismantle any remnants of a free and independent press, but also to abolish the written word altogether. From now on all public communication will be in the form of Morse coded armpit farting, a stone faced Kremlin spokesperson armpit farts.

2: In South America a new species of orchid is discovered deep in the rainforest. It looks and tastes remarkably like a delicious bratwurst, but is deadly even in small quantities. Native American witch doctors are alarmed, calling it a sign of the impending apocalypse. Scientists disagree, pointing to a process they describe as “natural selection”.

3: The United Nations, under the new leadership of that Korean guy, a) fails to reaffirm faith in fundamental human rights, in the dignity and worth of the human person, in the equal rights of men and women and of nations large and small, and b) fails to establish conditions under which justice and respect for the obligations arising from treaties and other sources of international law can be maintained, and c) fails to promote social progress and better standards of life in larger freedom, and d) fails to make member states practice tolerance and live together in peace with one another as good neighbours, and e) fails to make member states unite their strength to maintain international peace and security, and f) fails to ensure, by the acceptance of principles and the institution of methods, that armed force shall not be used, save in the common interest, and g) fails to employ international machinery for the promotion of the economic and social advancement of all peoples.

4: The entire population of Asia all of a sudden decides to change their diet and stop eating rice altogether. “It’s just… bland”, they complain.

5: The Vatican announces that the Pope has become “really, really, really bored” with “this crazy Catholic inclination to try and regulate fucking”, and so the Holy Roman Catholic Church will not meddle further in sexuality or family issues. As this leaves nothing much to talk about, from now on the Pope will “focus on managing the Vatican soccer team”, a statement reads.

6: The entire Australian population is by now employed within the field of television broadcasting, mostly as CNN anchorpersons. The deserted continent, again entrusted to the care of the aboriginal tribes, reverts to a mystical virgin state of timeless, natural equilibrium - The Dreaming. This is followed rapidly by The Sleepwalking, when the great land mass unexpectedly lifts itself from the ocean floor and floats away from the things of man.

7: In answer to this, continental Europe rotates 145 degrees counter clockwise, putting Scandamanavia where Spain used to be.

8: The War on Terror, which has now lasted longer than the Second World War, is becoming old news on a planet with attention deficit disorder. A worldwide US sponsored media campaign intended to give the War on Terror a little “zing” causes controversy when a Guantanamo Bay-inspired musical entitled The Sound of Musical Torture literally bombs.

9: The Arab World (if such a thing really exists) continues to wage war upon itself and everybody else in the name of ancient gibberish, this year employing terrible new wunderwaffen: The air-to-surface suicide bungee chicken and the handheld halal banana daiquiri.

10: The US military leadership continues to kill and injure vast numbers of innocent people around the globe, and, through inaction, continues to allow even larger numbers of people to come to harm. On a larger scale, the USA, home to only 5% of the global population but also strangely 25% of the world’s prison inmates, endeavours to promote even greater social inequality worldwide, causing an even further deterioration of human dignity and geopolitical stability - all in the name of market capitalism, an outdated economic system which, duh, is destroying the planet and making life miserable for all of us. This continues until America, hypnotized by its own incessant rhetoric of democracy, talks itself into a corner and is forced to accept a worldwide referendum which decides with 95% majority to dissolve the United States of America once and for all.

11: The state of Israel, like a battered child grown up to become just like its father, continues to bully an entire region, completely ignoring the obvious lessons of the holocaust. One scientific study concludes that the real cause of global warming is the heat generated by the underground rotation of 6 million Jewish death camp victims turning over in their graves.

12: In Africa, civil war in an already starving nation leads to another devastating famine followed by another refugee disaster, followed by yet more famine. Again you helplessly watch it all unfold from your living room. Again you ask yourself why your leaders are so hopelessly incompetent. You cry into your hands, disgusted with your own powerlessness.

3 Comments:

Blogger Mikkel said...

My predictions are already coming true.

1:51 pm  
Anonymous the old man said...

you mean prediction #3?

3:33 pm  
Blogger Mikkel said...

That's right.

6:18 pm  

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