Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Slut Studies (advanced)

The Panty Goddesses of Minoan Crete
Panty sluts have presumably existed since the dawn of man, but not until the advent of the great Minoan civilizations were they worshipped as goddesses. Archaeological findings suggest the existence of a thriving panty cult in Neopalatial Minoan Crete (1700-1400 BC), but since we have only remote vestiges and ruins left from this ancient culture, we can merely guess at the religious practices surrounding the mysterious Panty Goddesses. Behind their broken exteriors, the few remaining objects and fragments only hint at a rich and complex religious life and an advanced symbolic system.

An apparent characteristic of early Minoan religion was its polytheistic and matriarchal nature: The gods were all female. What precipitated the transition from an ordinary goddess religion to a slut cult is still subject to much debate and controversy, but the adoption of more sedentary living because of agriculture, and the ready availability in the Mediterranean of red wine, may have fundamentally reoriented society towards a sluttier lifestyle. It is certain, however, that urbanization dramatically precipitated sluttiness as human life suddenly assumed a double quality: public life (the panty sphere) and private life (the pantiless sphere).

The head of the Minoan pantyon seems to have been an all-powerful Panty Goddess deity who ruled everything in the universe. Her relationship to the world of creation was one of reciprocal sluttiness, a fundamentally different relation than the relationship of a mother goddess or a father god to the offspring.

This is a difference which is almost impossible for a modern person to understand, but in Moses, Monotheism and Panties Sigmund Hearst Freud hints at its fundamental aspect: The relationship between mother and offspring is a real, biological relationship that can be concretely demonstrated - the child comes from the mother. The relationship to the father is also a biological relationship, but it can only be inferred because the child doesn't come directly from the father's body - it is inferred symbolically, that is, the child looks like the father.

The intricate relationship between panty sluts is far more complicated. It is fundamentally closer, an intimate kinship, and yet it has an inherent aspect of distance and separation - the panties. The panty barrier is not traditionally emphasized in god or goddess religions.

All this, however, can merely be guesses. Sadly, very little comes down to us from the great slut cults of antiquity. It is extraordinarily difficult to assess the precise nature of the panty worship in Minoan Crete. There are for example numerous representations of different kinds of panty sluts, which lead some scholars to the conclusion that the Cretans were polytheistic, while others argue that these merely represent manifestations of the one Panty Goddess.

However this may be we can inarguably distinguish between several types of Minoan Slut Goddess. One is called The Lady of the String, or The String Enchantress; this goddess is represented as mastering or overcoming the forces of the natural world. In a later incarnation she becomes Bikini Girl, often depicted as standing on a beach, apparently harnessing the power of the sun in the protection of sea animals and marine life.

The most popular goddess seems to have been The Panty Temptress, who instead of wearing her panties as an undergarment has them entwined on her body or in her hands, sometimes several pairs. Since this enigmatic figurine is most often found in bedrooms and in small shrines within the palatial ruins, many scholars believe that she is some sort of domestic slut goddess or goddess of the night - a kind of slutty guardian angel.

The Minoan religious world apparently had numerous demon sluts as well, who are shown in large murals performing terrible rituals. These are almost always pantyfaced sluts, but with the hands and feet of a lioness. While they are certainly monstrous, they may in actuality be symbols of some forgotten practice of religious worship.

Most scholars today believe that the principle female goddesses of later Greek religions, such as Hera, Artemis, Jeanette and so on, ultimately derive from the Minoan Slut Goddesses. Indeed, the legacy of the Minoan slut cult seems still to be alive today: While both Greece and Crete are now Greek Orthodox Christian, in Greece women will regularly swear by the name of the Virgin Mary, while in Crete both men and women swear by the epithet Pantynagia - Our Lady of Clean Panties.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Slut Studies

The Historical Emergence of Panty Theory
I have no interest in fully reviewing the heated debate between Rabenstein, Schwaberdunk and Smith with reference to the identity role of the researcher and the part it plays in exploring the identity struggles of panty sluts and various other types of sluts. Neither will I discuss issues of positionality and representation of sluttiness from the perspectives of post-structuralism, critical postmodernism, semiotics, feminism, queer theory or Honduras.

The intention of this article is merely to trace the historical and philosophical roots of modern panty theory.

With cultural diversity as their driving force, a number of social theorists have explored issues of representation and the role of the qualitative researcher in studying diverse "others". But what if the "other" is a panty slut? What then?

Although some effort has been made to better understand the relationship between the researcher and the researched in terms of important identity categories such as race and gender, little to no attention has, until recently, been devoted to the complexities experienced by academics exploring the lives and identity struggles of panty sluts.

This article seeks to fill some of that cavernous void within the field of Slut Studies by advocating the implementation of panty theory in a much, much more direct collaboration between researcher and research participant.

Human beings use symbols and exist in a world of meaning created by those symbols. All human behavior is symbolic. In other words, we’re more or less just phoning it in. Sexual behaviour is no exception. Not only are we phoning it in, the number terminates in Chile and international call rates apply.

Sexual behavior, particularly where it takes the form of sluttiness, is associated with a variety of activities, each carrying different meanings, including - but not limited to - attaining physical pleasure, creating intimacy, achieving spirituality, having fun, exerting power, or just simply putting on a pair of panties and being a slut (Luger, Gaston, Mortensen & Gubelknuge, 1997, p. 776).

The symbolic meanings associated with sluttiness and panties respectively affect how we think about ourselves, how we relate to others, and how others think and relate to us. As Klyster and Fröbisch stated,

"Being a slut as such is determined by a biological imperative toward sluttiness, but how one is a slut – where, when, how often, with whom, why, and wearing what – has to do with cultural learning, with meanings transmitted in a cultural setting. This is where the panties come in."


Panty theory is a theoretical and conceptual framework rather than a specific theory. Taking as its primary unit of analysis the individual panty slut, it emphasizes the micro interaction among panty sluts, face to face, or rather, face to panty. In other words, for a slut to be categorized as a panty slut requires a basic group membership, and as a minimum one pair of panties.

Until now most slut research has been atheoretical. Relatively little research has been designed to refine the definition of theoretical constructs or enhance the measurement of such constructs. Few researchers have tested theoretically-driven hypotheses or tried to build explanatory models; those who have, have been faced with insurmountable problems: The sluts keep taking their panties off or just falling over.

As such, one obvious recom-mendation for slut scientists would be to make stronger and more direct connections between theory and research. We need to use theory to generate hypotheses, and we need to design research that tests theory.

In conclusion, let me state that I view the future of Slut Studies with optimism. As I have indicated, important works of panty theory have recently emerged. A balanced assessment of the current state of slut research should include recognition of these important contributions, as they provide a foundation for the improvement and refinement of Slut Studies as a larger field.

As we approach a new dawn of sluttiness these theoretical perspectives can be refined and used to guide future research. Such a fusion of theoretical concerns and empirical analysis would benefit both panty theory and the field of Slut Studies at large.

In the immortal words of Jérôme Hearst Monceaux: Isn’t it time we all put on a pair of panties?

Blogs of note

God I love blogs... Don’t you? Blogging has really changed the world and society as we know it, it’s like an entirely new genre or format or type of "website" or something.

Nobody has ever seen anything like it. How will we ever be the same? The answer is: We won’t.

There are many, many different views and thoughts and philosophies on what exactly is a blog? This is just my personal definition of a "web-log" or "blog" which is short for "web-log":

Blogs are like a diary on the Internet, but also it’s the watchdog of "the corporate media" and you can link to stuff that’s important.

Well, don’t get me started. This is a current top 5 countdown (or: the "Dream Team") of the many, many, many, many, many, many blogs that I follow religiously, and so should you:

The "Dream Team"!!!
5: Hold the Indian media accountable. The title says it all, really. We should all hold the Indian media accountable.

4: There's a day for groundhogs? Coming of age in Utah. Religion. Jealousy. In short: Mormons and hormones.

3: I shoot muscles. Just a Greek guy and his camera. He likes to photograph big muscles. He’s not gay or anything. Don’t try to steal his pictures!!!

2: ATMZ. Looking to make a buck off the bird flu pandemic? This is your guy. A reminder why 9/11 was such a horrible tragedy.

1: Acidtoons. It sounds too good to be true, but it’s exactly what it sounds like: Some 36 year old guy drops acid and then draws pictures of all his CRAZY ideas.

Monday, May 29, 2006

You want disgusting things

On behalf of some people

A conclusive list of things Sara does that we can all agree are greatly annoying and she should stop:

1) When Sara takes out the trash she never puts a fresh garbage bag into the trash can. That way she ensures that other people instead, coming into the kitchen to throw things out, are faced with accomplishing this task whilst holding garbage.

2) Often feeling a bit on the thirsty side, Sara likes to get little drinks of water from the kitchen. After taking a maximum of one sip she then proceeds to leave the half full glass on the floor, thus enabling people to trip over it.

3) Sara insists, for some inscrutable reason, on calling some people "Stinky".

Sunday, May 28, 2006

SHÄDY ÄCRES science news

This is how the cookie crumbles, in case you were wondering.

The sad truth

You could have done more. You could have made more of yourself. You should have been an artist, a leader or a star.

You never have enough money. You are out of shape. You are too fat. You need to better yourself.

You had so much potential. You need to take a course. Your house is too small. Why can’t you drive a better car. You hate your job and you hate looking for work. You can’t lose your job. You need the money.

You have some sort of addiction. You never have any ideas. Everyone is more accomplished than you. Your friends are either more successful than you or pathetic losers that you can't afford to be seen with.

Nothing is ever going to be good enough. Never.

Saturday, May 27, 2006

The SHÄDY ÄCRES reader survey

Forget what I just said about ritual human sacrifice. That was just gas.

The truth is we want you to think of us as friends. We are always, always open to new ideas and impulses.

So what would you monkeys want to see more of in this blögzine? Choose between the following alternatives:

a) News, high fashion, celebrity interviews and wild personality tests.

b) Counter culture, vibes from the underground music scene and crazy cool stuff.

c) Movie reviews, oven mittens and pictures of dwarves.

d) Arty things that intellectuals want to link to in order to appear "with it".

e) Panty sluts.

Remember, if even one of you monkeys fails to take the survey there'll be hell to pay. So get cracking, get get cracking.

WARNING!

Stand back!

The SHÄDY ÄCRES blögzine endorses
several different types of


political violence,
CANNIBALISM
and human sacrifice!

Friday, May 26, 2006

God, how I miss Copenhagen

Photo: Malooneys the ungovernable

Tallulah B says:

If you need to debrain your pussy, you should go here.

The evil stepmother

Strangling an innocent cherub.

The making of

Check out the new gif animation I made! As you can see it was created in our high tech studio using only the finest creams and lotions.

Wow, I didn't expect this award at all. I would like to thank Fredrik for the server space, and of course this wouldn't have been possible if I didn't understand a love of a tremendous magnitude, for which I thank my family.

Remember people, God makes all things possible, not a sparrow falleth to the ground without his knowledge, so I guess he knows about the cluster bombs too. Peace out.

An exercise in the dramatic present tense

I'm watching TV late at night, flipping through the channels. At the end of the cycle are eight to ten scrambled channels. They're not really in our program package, but we apparently get just enough for the automatic channel selector to lock onto them.

The colors are distorted, inverted. The angles are skewed, bending people and things into impossible shapes. It's all noise and chaos. The pictures make no sense at all, untill suddenly the eye adjusts to something, a shape, a face, it holds for a split second, it's gone.

I usually skip that part of the channel cycle and flip back to one, but on this particular night I want to postpone the dreaded moment when I have to admit to myself that there's nothing on, so I'm sitting there watching this badly adjusted channel, getting into the rhythm of it:

– Black and white inverted – it moves upwards and across – blue and yellow – something that looks like letters – it turns to noise – green and red – there's a woman with a necklace, she's drinking wine – black and white inverted – it moves upwards and across – blue and yellow – something that looks like letters – it turns to noise – green and red – is it the same woman? She's opening a door – black and white inverted – it moves upwards and across – blue and yellow – something that looks like letters – it turns to noise – green and red – oh my, that's quite a rack she's got – black and white inverted – it moves upwards and across – blue and yellow – something that looks like letters – it turns to noise – green and red – Whoa! OK, now I'm pretty sure this is porn – black and white inverted – it moves upwards and across –

Then the cycle changes, it turns back upon itself and rolls the other way, but quicker, flip, flip, flip, roooll... Flip, flip, flip, roooll... It holds still for a long second; a man is ejaculating over the girl's greenish face. The inverted colors make the scene look unreal, her eyes are black holes and her open lips are clear blue.

The spurts of semen look like jets of ink, black against her green skin, and I'm thinking: What a metaphor! Flip, flip, flip, roooll... It's gone.

K

K is all business.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

He will join us or die, my master

Impressive. Most impressive. Obi-Wan has taught you well. You have controlled your fear. Now, release your anger. Only your hatred can destroy me.

Xanana bananadu

Seconds before I fell asleep last night I came up with a sentence so funny it made me laugh out loud*.

I briefly considered getting out of bed to write it down, but that was just not on. So here we are.

*) LOL

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Customer support

Rely on
SHÄDY ÄCRES
for all your event marketing needs

Our incompetence - your guarantee

Missing the ink

At 7000 measly hits, as a stark warning of things to come, SHÄDY ÄCRES changes into a watching machine. This frugal sentry has now become centrifugal.

As the fabric of human assembly is gradually submerged in the fluid of the interknit, even the essence of our stains must change. To blink. To link or not. To ink, to dye, to sleepy eye - there's the rub.

Who would play Scylla to such a Charybdis? In order to adjust our memories to this new game of loss and gain new scales have been erected south of reason. Words like saturation and diffusion appear out of somewhere, but the cargo vessels of tomorrow arrive unnoticed: All websites must ultimately be converted into Finnmärck blögzines.

All this for nothing. Not milk. Not blood. Not water.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

You shoulda seen the other guy

I'M BACK!!

Phew. You guys must be sick up and fed with Mikkel by now. I have verbally abused a number of people at the internet company, and today they caved in and gave me a modem.

The rumour is true, by the way. I'm pregnant! All that weird, kinky sex paid off after all. So far the experience has brought me closer to the toilet bowl than ever, since I am constantly feeling sick and hungry.

Brilliant. Earth Mother Sara.

Myeeeszzz

We're finally online again. Let the swarming begin. Bzzzzzschzzz. Bzz bzz bzszzzzzz. Bzzzzzzzz bzzzzzzszzzzz. Bzzz bzzzzszzzzzzzzz. Bzzz bzzz. Bzzzzzszsz bzzzschzzzzzz. Bzzz. Bzszzzzzzz bzzzzz. Bzzzzschzszszzzzzchzz. Bchz. Bzzz. Bzzz bzszzzzzz. Bzzzzzzzz bzzzzzzszzzzz. Bzzz!

I just had an amazing brainwave

I’ve recently noticed that some of my problems are not unique in nature. This had led me to form the belief that some human problems are not particular, but rather shared between groups of people.

This insight has really opened my eyes. Now all I see is a bunch of shared problems that no one seems to be doing anything about. Like, what about world hunger? The environment? The Middle East? I could go on and on.

But hold on: What if we tried solving some of these problems together?

Here is what I propose: We appoint someone, a group of people, to deal with these shared issues that affect us all. How do we find someone suitable? Weeell, we could hold some sort of lottery, or a contest, a show of hands even.

Then we give these people (let’s call them our leaders for lack of a better word) absolute deciding power, power over life and death. They’ll need money, obviously, so we each give them part of our income. We’ll figure out some sort of system.

These leaders now devote themselves entirely to solving our common problems. How long could it possibly take? We could have this thing wrapped up by next Tuesday.

I'm not kidding

I check in after a week and nothing, nothing has happened on this blög. How very disappointing. Why don't you people ever post anything? Do I have to do everything myselves? Hmmm?

M'eh. There isn't much to write home about anyway. The kid lost his first tooth. My friend the architect student is keeping a blög now, with some nice drawings in it.

Other than that, not much. Our Internet jynx continues to, well, jynx us. The new modem has been "in the mail" now for more than a week. Adding incest to injury, it seems I have become unable to construct a coherent sentence or draw even the smallest meaningful doodle.

This morning I think I shampooed twice but I can't be sure. Oh, and Sara is pregnant.

Monday, May 15, 2006

We're here to help you

1) Plan ahead.
2) Qualify and apply.
3) Request updated information.
4) Calculate your benefits.
5) Report fraud, waste and abuse.
6) Report fraud, waste and abuse.
7) Report fraud, waste and abuse.
8) Report fraud, waste and abuse.
9) Report fraud, waste and abuse.
10) Report fraud, waste and abuse.

Saturday, May 13, 2006

Exposé revealed

Lüleå: An authentic Finnmärscker city flush with picturesque neighborhoods; rickety, white wooden houses lining narrow, cobbled streets...

Or is it?

Our exclusive SHÄDY ÄCRES photo reportage hints at a more sinister truth: Notice if you will the badly executed paint job on a randomly selected building next door to us.

Did they run out of paint just as they'd finished painting the part of the building visible to a tourist? You will agree that this is highly unlikely.

Which leaves a terrible question unanswered:

What are they hiding?

Is this charming tourist destination perhaps in reality a sham, a Potempkin village, an elaborate hoax? It may very well be.

And if it is, then what does that make us? God help us all.

Friday, May 05, 2006

The tourist season starts at high noon

A traveler can approach Lüleå from any direction but northwest. The railroad stops right here and goes no further. Airplanes will land but immediately take off again. There is a post boat that comes up the river once a week. Everybody owns their own car.

The city has a long history: All night long you can follow the comet’s tail with your own eyes. It seems closer every day. Beacons are set ablaze along the coast to lure ships aground on the shoals and skerries. I once saw a salamander darting through the fire.

The women are very tall. They talk about their eggs like in any other city. Pornography is banned, but in the gift shop you will find high quality erotic prints from the 15th century. Do not attempt to use them for masturbation; they will only depress you more.

Remember to wash your hands. The water is so clean you’ll die if you drink it. The food is a fish. Do you like violins? You simply have to. Take the number 7 bus from the city center and back.

Rent a bicycle at the natural gas museum. If it’s overcast you can’t see the mountain from a balloon.

Pets walk the street without a leash. Exchange rates are tolerable. Ask one of our guides. Don’t trust the locals.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

The language of petroleum

"How can you say this is not my mouth?
I have fallen in love with my own cranium,
And now every time I shake my rosy tongue
Difficult words fall off in unspecific clusters,
Untidily separated by upturned commas.
Hoarding stolen words in the hollows of my cheeks
Simply doesn’t make sense anymore.
They make my eyes bulge and my spit
Taste like foreign tea thrown in the harbor.
I need short and easy words,
Words that will stick to my gums. Sharp words;
This is how I will make love to my pretty skull."

The puppetmistress speaks

I have been instructed to inform you, our loyal readers, that the reason the czaritsa doesn't post these days is not because she has been infected by a flesh-eating bacteria, but rather that we still have no Internet antenna at the H.Q.

(In case you're wondering what happened to the first picture: She did not approve)

And in local news:

7th father in da house!

A semi-reliable witness who wishes to remain unnamed (Sara) confirms that legendary Luleålean musician Dännis has in fact cut his hair.

The talkative rock'n'roll old-timer was spotted on the street from a moving bus without his trademark ponytail. Instead, he was sporting a surprising new hairstyle described by the anonymous witness (Sara) as "a sort of a short bob".

SHÄDY ÄCRES will be monitoring this new development closely.

Monday, May 01, 2006

Mayday, mayday




WORKERS OF THE WORLD
WE'RE ON A DEADLINE HERE