Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Brimstone

Hello, monkeys.

I just woke up, ironically because my arm was asleep, and I wanted to come out here and tell you that I also wrote that last piece for another reason.

Yes, there's a story coming, a true story about love and guilt and violent death, but there are other reasons besides.

Lately I have become increasingly ashamed to be Danish.

Denmark has always in many small ways been a nation of whining turncoats. It comes with the territory, the size of it. Have you looked at the map? That is not an easy neighbourhood for a tiny country.

We’ve got the British right across the sea there thinking they run the place. We’ve got the Russians right over there on the other side thinking they run the place. Did I mention the Germans? It’s like the schoolyard from hell.

Our governments are so used to licking someone or other’s ass they don’t know how to stop. Check out this last collaborator coming on like a field marshal. And then he has the audacity to draw a parallel between the Second World War and this so-called War on Terror. Doesn’t he understand that all this is being written down? COLLABORATOR.

The Germans, excuse me, Americans are terror bombing civilians every day now. It is Guernica repeating itself over and over again, only we’re not supposed to say anything because we’re their friends. Friends don’t criticize each other, do they? No, friends just do what they’re told.

And you Americans reading this – are you sitting comfortably? You will be judged like the millions of good, honourable Germans who were not Nazis. You have elected – twice – a regime of torturers. Shame on you. You shouldn’t even be reading this; you should be in the streets throwing things. But then the war is always some other place, isn’t it? Never in America. Shame on you.

But - who are we to talk? We who in spite of our history have let ourselves become a nation of racist collaborators.

I am fed up with my team. It used to be a pretty good team. Now the fascists are winning again because we have no team. We have no plan. We have no leaders. Don’t you understand? All of this is being written down, everything, every last word. We can’t hide from history.

Organize.

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Monday, January 30, 2006

Blue and white striped pajamas I

THE DANISH RESISTANCE
Invasion and cooperation
The Kingdom of Denmark, fast asleep in unprepared denial, was invaded by Germany on the 9th of April 1940 in a combined land, sea and air operation that also targeted Norway. In Norway the fighting continued for two months, vainly aided by a British counter invasion, but Denmark fell within hours. The government chose the lesser of two evils and cooperated under protest.

Censorship was established, but by and large daily life continued as usual. Denmark had become a model pro-tectorate in the new European order, referred to by Churchill as the gang-ster’s canary bird. Many Danes, espe-cially the young, felt betrayed by their government. At first the resistance was sporadic and uncoordinated. Here and there telephone lines were cut or Ger-man military vehicles were vandalized.

In the outside world the war continued. Holland, Belgium and France fell. Then on the 22nd of June 1941 Germany attacked the Soviet Union over a broad front. That same day German officials demanded the interment of leading Danish Communist party members and former Spanish Civil War volunteers, chosen from lists that had been made available to them the year before. The government acceded and over the next week Danish police, in clear breach of the constitution, arrested five times the number demanded, including three members of parliament.

Danish Communists had been few and unpopular. Although strongly antifascist they had remained passive because of the German-Soviet non-aggression pact. Now they went underground, arranging strikes and protests.

Later that year the Danish government, under increasing pressure, signed the Anti-Comintern Pact against world Communism. This initiated the first mass protests by students demanding the end of the cooperation policy, preferring actual military occupation ("Norwegian conditions") to the constant humiliating concessions.

On the other hand, many Danes rallied to the Nazi crusade against Bolshevism, a good deal joining the government sanctioned volunteer Frikorps Danmark unit to fight with the Waffen SS in Russia. Some of these men had previously been volunteers for the 1939 Winter War - Finland’s defensive war against the Soviet Union - and saw in this their chance for revenge against the Russians.

Resistance
By now the first coordinated Danish resistance was taking shape in the BOPA group, with a core of underground Com-munists and Spanish Civil War volunteers. The unlikely na-me, an acronym for bourgeois partisans, was probably a fruitless feint to gain access to British war material. During the summer of 1942 vehicles and buildings were set on fire, railroads and ships in harbour were damaged.

The organized sabotage began at roughly the same time as the first operations on Danish soil by agents of the British SOE (Special Operations Executive). Danish volunteers trained in England were parachuted home with orders to set up an intelligence network and prepare and aid a resistance movement friendly to the Allies.

The Germans reacted to this mounting threat by tightening their grip on the cooperating Danish government; reinforcing the police, introducing factory and railroad guards, and in August 1942 demanding the introduction of the death penalty for sabotage.

Although a good many people regularly listened to the banned BBC broadcasts, initially very few were involved in actual resistance work. The entire Danish saboteur corps at this time numbered perhaps no more than a few hundred young men, mostly recruited from the political extremes: Besides the Communists and the Spanish Civil War volunteers, many non-fascist nationalists and other right wing patriots were beginning to join in the struggle. Some of these also were former Winter War volunteers.

In addition to this militant core, some were involved in the illegal press, spreading propaganda leaflets with news from the free world in violation of the censorship laws. Others were involved by hiding and transporting weapons, or simply by helping and housing fugitives.

The mood was shifting. When the Frikorps Danmark returned on leave from the eastern front their nights on the town erupted into violent street fights.

The August Rebellion
By 1943 Fascist Italy had collapsed and the Germans were losing ground in every theatre of war – their navies scattered or confined to port, their armies beaten back from Africa and retreating from Russia. A mood of aggressive optimism surged through occupied Europe.

In Denmark the resistance movement was gaining ground, their ranks swelling. With every increase in sabotage the German occupation force countered by introducing harsher measures. Tensions mounted. During that summer the spontaneous street fights became daily occurrences. Popular outrage reached a boiling point in what was to become known as the August rebellion.

It began as a wharf strike, a reaction to the introduction of armed sabotage guards. When a curfew was introduced the strike spread to other factories. Even though the Germans conceded to some of the strikers’ demands a state of open rebellion quickly ensued. There were demonstrations and public meetings in violation of curfew. German property and Nazi friendly shops were smashed up, known collaborators and field mattresses (girlfriends of German soldiers) were brutalized.

Even as the Germans sent in more police to check the situation it escalated beyond control. In the strikes and meetings following a young saboteur’s funeral push finally came to shove as the Germans opened fire into the crowd killing a number of people. Neither side would back down. The situation was out of hand.

Norwegian conditions
This was the collapse of the cooperation policy. On the 29th of August 1943 The Germans declared martial law, unseated the government and disarmed the small Danish army. There was spread fighting at garrisons and some loss of life on both sides. The navy, acting on its own initiative, refused orders from the government and the military high command to surrender. Ships that could not be taken to neutral Sweden were scuttled or blown up in port.

Many officers went underground and joined the resistance. Others went to Sweden where they formed the cadres of the Danish Brigade, an armed force loyal to the old establishment. There they would keep out of harms way for the rest of the war, ready to secure that there was no communist coup on the eve of liberation.

After the immediate crisis, when parliament refused to form a new government, it was dissolved. Departmental heads were reluctantly left in charge of the state apparatus.

The terror
The Germans now initiated a reign of "counter terror" enforced by the Gestapo and its Danish collaborators. Any act of sabotage, any assault on the occupying force, was met with bloody reprisals. Promi-nent shops or buildings were blown up as retaliation. Collective punishment became routine. Public figures openly critical to the Nazis were assassinated. Danish SS officers formed militia groups, violent gangs that operated with impunity.

A network of well-paid local informers, one of the most effective in Europe, helped trawl up the underground organizations. Captured saboteurs were tortured to death by the Gestapo, arbitrarily sent to rot in concentration camps or simply gunned down in the street.

The Germans were now also free to target the Danish Jews for extermination. The so-called Jewish Question was new to Denmark, where the Jewish minority was well incorporated in society and anti-Semitism was marginal. Of the more than 7000 Jews in Denmark, 6000 were Danes and 1000 were refugees. However, on the 1st of October 1943 a series of brutal late night arrests led to the capture of only 480 individuals. These were deported to the Theresienstadt camp in Czechia where 52 of them died. On the 5th of October Denmark was declared Judenrein. 95% of the Danish Jews had miraculously escaped.

This unparalleled rescue operation was perhaps Denmark’s finest hour. In a spectacular act of collective decency a spontaneous underground network of ordinary Danish families helped the 7000 Jews escape to neutral Sweden. In a period of weeks the groups of fugitives were furnished with money and clothes as they were sent from house to house towards the coast, and finally across the sound to safety. They came to Sweden in rowboats, fishing boats and private yachts. One of them swam. 197 were arrested along the way.

The Freedom Council
With the political establish-ment out of the picture the population now looked incre-asingly to the Freedom Coun-cil, an underground central command established after the August Rebellion. In the Council all wings of the resistance movement and illegal press were represented and worked together in spite of political differences, coordinating sabotage and keeping contact with the British through the SOE. The chief organizations represented in the council were BOPA (Communist), The Ring (Social Democrats), Free Denmark (The largest illegal press organization), and Holger Danske.

Holger Danske (Ogier the Dane), named after the mythical hero that sleeps under the earth only to wake up if Denmark is attacked, had been established in 1943. A core of right wing Christian patriots, mostly Danish Unity party members, had originally founded the organization as an alternative to the rigid Communist BOPA. It had, however, a loose, anti-authoritarian structure that attracted many different types of people.

The Freedom Council recognized early on that in light of the open Danish government cooperation with the invader, the existence of a strong resistance movement was a necessary precondition for Denmark’s ability to be treated as a friendly nation by the Allies. This would be crucial after the war. It also recognized that for such a movement to operate, to even exist, the German network of informers had to be dealt with without mercy.

In December 1943 the Council ordered the first executions of informers. From this time forward to the end of the war approximately 350 informers were liquidated, 200 of these by the Holger Danske organi-zation.

In the summer of 1944 the mass mobilization of the great Popular Strike eclipsed the events of the August Rebellion the year before. The D-day landings generated a wave of sabotage, strikes and demonstrations at the command of the Freedom Council. The Germans in answer executed prisoners, declared martial law with curfew and encircled the capital. Power and water was cut off, and hundreds were killed and injured in street clashes as the Germans used cannons to clear the barricades. It was now obvious to the Germans and the world that the Council made up the actual Danish leadership.

In September the last remainder of the old power structure was dismantled when the police force was disbanded. By now the Freedom Council had gained acknowledgment by Britain, the USA and the Soviet Union as the de facto Danish government.

Liberation
The last winter of the war was a hard one. Rations were small and thousands were homeless. Allied air raids unavoidably caused civilian casualties, as in the accidental bombing of the French School. The sabo-tage and liquidations of collaborators had become a daily occurrence, as had the massive German counter terror. The constant, desperate gunfights between Germans and resistance men made the streets of the capital unsafe day and night.

In the spring of 1945 the Danish resistance organized by the Freedom Council numbered 75.000 people. It was now a large organization involved in all types of resistance activities and regularly supplied from the air by the RAF. While only 2000 were involved in armed sabotage with groups like BOPA and Holger Danske, the majority were organized in the so-called Underground Army ready to spring to action upon an Allied invasion. Others were involved with the underground escape routes or illegal press activity. 12.000 resistance men had fled to Sweden. 14.000 were in German captivity. 200 had been executed by the Germans. Another 200 had died under torture or in concentration camps.

Approximately 6000 Danes in all were sent to the concen-tration camps. In March of 1945 the Swedish Red Cross were permitted to assemble Danish and Norwegian priso-ners at the Neuengamme camp to transport them home on the White Busses. In April the surviving Danish Jews were collected from Theresienstadt. The 150 Danish Communists, however, who were held at Stutthofen in Poland, could not be collected. With the other prisoners they were sent on a death march that killed nine of them. 600 Danes in all died in the camps.

On the 4th of May 1945 the BBC broadcast: "Montgomery has announced that the German forces in Holland, northwest Germany and Denmark have surrendered."

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Sunday, January 29, 2006

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy

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Saturday, January 28, 2006

Sunday stands for revolt

Forget everything they told you about rest. Sunday is all about letting all that pent up revolutionary energy burst out, in order to find a satisfactory mode. The kind of mode when you stop thinking about everything you're fed up with and take action. Rob a bank. "Kiss" your neigbour's daughter. Live a little.

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Vote for our new logo

You can choose between these four beautiful and thought-provoking alternatives:






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Friday, January 27, 2006

Could it be?

Yes. It's the signal. The signal that summons...

... The fruitBatman!

(No fruit bats were harmed during the ensuing bat fruit juice party)

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Thursday, January 26, 2006

Roger, over and out

Do not be alarmed.

To honor the heroes of the global intelligence community SHÄDY ÄCRES will maintain sporatic radio silence for an indeterminate time span lasting 16 days.

You will somehow find the courage to continue as usual. Or maybe you will be trampled by a flock of gnus.

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Volksbildung

Mikkel is becoming fat. I have to put him on a strict muffin diet.

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Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Stop the madness

Toothpaste abuse leads to the greatest number of problems of any drug in use in the world today.

It contributes to more than 40,000 deaths each year in Finnmärck alone. These deaths are mainly the result of increased numbers of mouth cancers as well as increased numbers of cases of atherosclerotic heart disease and emphysema of the mouth and lung. Abnormal dental care (dentalism) increases the risk for cancers of the mouth, bladder, pancreas, kidney, and cervix.

There is an increased risk for gastritis and gastric ulceration in persons who brush their teeth more than 50 times a day. Cataracts of the crystalline lens of the eye occur with increased frequency in people who put toothpaste in the eye.

Pregnant women who incessantly brush their teeth put their fetuses at increased risk for decreased birth weight, premature birth, and perinatal mortality. The risk for spontaneous abortion is increased with maternal flossing. Fetal deaths late in gestation are increased 50% in mothers who floss more than 35 times per day.

One of the most common drug overdoses leading to death is ingestion of a large amount of toothpaste. Chronic dentalism leads to liver disease. Liver disease can be manifested as fatty change. Excessive fluor ingestion for many years can lead to micronodular cirrhosis.

A cirrhotic liver leads to portal hypertension and the complication of bleeding esophageal varices with massive, life-threatening gastrointestinal hemorrhage. There is also an increased risk for hepatocellular carcinoma arising in a cirrhotic liver. In the brain, dentalism can lead to Wernicke's disease.

Many brands of toothpaste can be injected intravenously. The toothpaste itself may have the major effect of impairment of mental function, but the route of administration can have serious complications.

Injection of toothpaste with tubes that are not sterile leads to the potential for a wide variety of infections. Such infections include: human immunodeficiency virus (the causative agent for AIDS), viral hepatitis (particularly hepatitis B and C), and bacterial infections.

Persons with a history of intravenous toothpaste abuse also are more likely to have tuberculosis of the mouth. Toothpaste can produce a nephropathy in the kidney that resembles focal segmental glomerulosclerosis. In addition, a "talc granulomatosis" can occur because many injected toothpastes have been adulterated with an inert substance (such as talcum powder or sand) to "cut" or dilute the amount of toothpaste.

Toothpick abuse can exert a variety of effects. The major acute effects producing pathologic conditions result from the increased circulating catecholamine levels with toothpick use. These increased catecholamines can produce vasoconstriction. The lesions can include acute hemorrhages and infarction in the brain.

Ischemic changes in the heart from small artery narrowing and sclerosis lead to contraction band necrosis of the myocardium and possible sudden death. Combining toothpick use with toothpaste use can compound the myocardial damage. Pregnant mothers who misuse toothpicks can affect their fetuses from abnormalities of placental function leading to low birth weight babies or an increased risk for placental abruption. Maternal toothpick abuse increases the risk for spontaneous abortion.

Persons with toothpaste intoxication (not necessarily related to the fluor level) may develop a state of iatrogenic psychosis (toothpaste psychosis) with "excited delerium" in which they are markedly agitated and combative and develop hyperthermia, often of a severe degree (to 106 F).

Organ damage can accompany this state of excited delerium and may include rhabdomyolysis of muscle, hepatotoxicity, and renal failure. Disseminated intravascular coagulation (DIC), hypo-tension, and sudden death are additional complications.

Always remember: Don't brush and drive!

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Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Let me show you a picture

Now let me try to explain how it makes me feel:




A bit like this.

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Svada - topological or merely transcursive?

We're pleased to inform you that our Svada Manifesto has caused somewhat of an uproar. Over at Pen to paper the intelligensia is seething with critical discourse.

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What’s your poison?

The SHÄDY ÄCRES field guide to narcotics

For your benefit we have systematically tested these sub-stances on ourselves (and all our friends) over a period of what felt like weeks but which turned out to be our entire youth.

For easy reference we have rated them on a scale from (*) to (*******) microdots.

Drug: Nicotine
Type: The type you’re addicted to even if you haven’t smoked for 10 years.
Dosage: Suck, suck, suck on the teat of death.
Effect: Makes you want to smoke more cigarettes.
Benefits: Let’s face it, it makes you look cool.
Drawbacks: Lung cancer. Kind of a drag, really.
Funny stories: I’ve tried quitting for 16 years now. Ha ha ha ha ha.
Rating: Fuck you, tobacco industry: (*)

Drug: Nutmeg
Type: The type you find in the kitchen at some party you crashed.
Dosage: Too much will give you a splitting headache, but so will too little, so it really doesn’t matter.
Effect: Splitting headaches. If you’re lucky you get to vomit.
Benefits: It’s hard to come up with any benefits unless you like headaches.
Drawbacks: Did I mention the splitting headaches?
Funny stories: Remember how we wasted an evening smoking nutmeg? That was a horrible idea. Let’s never do that again.
Rating: You might as well smoke tea: (*)

Drug: GHB/Fantasy/liquid ecstasy
Type: The type you use for date rape.
Dosage: One dose per drink of every girl you want to rape.
Effect: They go limb so you can rape them.
Benefits: Do we really need to go over this again?
Drawbacks: Never trust a drug you can’t mix with alcohol.
Funny stories: If you like date rape, sure, I've got many.
Rating: I guess if you're partial to alcohol and consensual sex: (*)

Drug: Crack cocaine
Type: Like cocaine, only much, much better, or so they say.
Dosage: Just try it, see if you like it.
Effect: Hey, surprise - you like it!
Benefits: You like it a lot. In fact, you like everything about it, even the bad things you have to do to get more.
Drawbacks: You’re a crackhead.
Funny stories: Yeah, you proved you were better than the rest of us at being fucked up. You win.
Rating: Go away. We’re not friends anymore: (*)

Drug: Heroin
Type: Opiate.
Dosage: First you smoke it on the weekends, but that’s way too expensive. You need to cut cost and inject it directly into your bloodstream. One fix at a time, every day for the rest of your short, miserable life.
Effect: Everything is fine for a while, but then it’s not, so you have to take some more heroin.
Benefits: You get to hang out with other junkies talking about junk and how to get it.
Drawbacks: You’re a zombie.
Funny stories: Not even a single one.
Rating: If you’re dumb enough to take this, go right ahead: (*)

Drug: Boiled Coca-Cola
Type: Classic, diet or vanilla.
Dosage: It doesn’t matter, idiot.
Effect: There’s always some idiot who thinks if you boil it long enough you’ll get distilled cocaine.
Benefits: In enormous quantities you’ll maybe get a sugar or guarana high.
Drawbacks: Hm. You’re an idiot?
Funny stories: Yeah, aren’t you the idiot who boiled Coca-Cola?
Rating: This shouldn’t even be rated but what the hell: (**)

Drug: Pharmaceuticals
Type: The type your loser friend claims he stole from his parents’ bathroom.
Dosage: This isn’t working. Let’s take some more.
Effect: My tongue feels funny and I’m all tired.
Benefits: It’s free. Works well with alcohol 11% of the time.
Drawbacks: Two words: Stomach pump.
Funny stories: Ha ha. No.
Rating: Bad idea: (**)

Drug: Ecstasy
Type: Something the Germans used during WWII to make the eastern front feel more like a party and less like a hellish nightmare.
Dosage: Look, it’s all pink and cute and it has a little bunny rabbit on it. How can this possibly be dangerous?
Effect: I want to dance all night in my silver outfit.
Benefits: You suddenly love everybody, even people you would usually hate.
Drawbacks: You suddenly love everybody, even the people you rightly should hate, and then you fry you brain and die.
Funny stories: God that stuff burns down your throat if you don’t have any liquid to wash it down with.
Rating: Yeah, who needs those little brain receptors anyway: (**)

Drug: Amphetamine
Type: Central stimulant.
Dosage: It depends. Is it the green stuff? The pink stuff? The yellow stuff? The stuff that’s been cut with rat poison?
Effect: When you don’t sleep you have eight more hours to be really efficient at grinding your teeth.
Benefits: You feel great. Plus you lose weight.
Drawbacks: You lose weight in the fatty tissues of your brain and all your teeth fall out.
Funny stories: We wrote a pop song that was going to make us rich, rich. But then it didn’t.
Rating: You can do better than that: (**)

Drug: Morphine
Type: Opiate.
Dosage: Well, how much is left in the bottle you found in your dead grandfathers bedroom?
Effect: Relieves pain. Takes all the edges off.
Benefits: Mellow city.
Drawbacks: It’s basically heroin made by doctors.
Funny stories: We walked around all night trying to score some weed and complaining about how we weren’t stoned, but in retrospect we were.
Rating: It’s right up there with pharmaceuticals: (**)

Drug: Toad slime
Type: found on slimy toads.
Dosage: Baby, lick that toad.
Effect: If anyone asks it’s hallucinogenic slime.
Benefits: You’ll forever be the one who licked the toad. Hard to top, really.
Drawbacks: You could go blind.
Funny stories: What’s not funny about licking a toad?
Rating: Make sure it’s the right kind of toad: (**)

Drug: Guarana
Type: Isn’t it like a type of caffeine or something?
Dosage: I don’t care.
Effect: Somewhat like boiled Coca-Cola, maybe.
Benefits: It’s from the rainforest which makes it healthy. Bla bla bla.
Drawbacks: I find that I really have no opinion of this substance.
Funny stories: Booooring, Sidney.
Rating: Yeah, whatever. It doesn’t kill you: (***)

Drug: Khat
Type: Central stimulant that you chew if you’re from Yemen or wherever.
Dosage: How the hell would I know? You chew some, then you chew some more.
Effect: You sit around with your mates on a carpet talking about how you’re going to fix your country.
Benefits: No women allowed. Wait – is that a benefit?
Drawbacks: You’re in Yemen for God’s sake.
Funny stories: This one time, in Yemen, we sat on a carpet.
Rating: Why not? (***)

Drug: Cocaine
Type: The king of central stimulants. The central stimulant of kings.
Dosage: It’s never enough - until it suddenly is.
Effect: Makes you feel like a king for approximately 14½ minutes.
Benefits: It’s classy. Like golf.
Drawbacks: Where’s my penis? Dude, I need that.
Funny stories: You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.
Rating: Not good for you in any way, but hey, neither are carrots: (***)

Drug: Marihuana/hashish
Type: A mild hallucinogenic (as in a mild headache).
Dosage: How much do you have? No documented cases of overdose. In fact it’s good for you.
Effect: Hihihihihihihi. The illuminati run everything. Let’s make a bong. I’m so smart, I just figured out everything. I’ll write a novel. No, I’ll start a band. No, I’ll assassinate the pope. What did you say? Yeah, it should definitely be legal, there would be no more wars, or… Police cars. Or bridges. Do you remember how we used to laugh at nothing? Now we just sit here. I’m hungry.
Benefits: Enhances the video-watching experience 249%. Choose wisely.
Drawbacks: Paranoia. Depression. Anxiety. No short term memory. You never get anything done, and I mean anything.
Funny stories: So we’re on the night train, right, and every half hour we go to the toilet and smoke a joint. And every time we come back to sit down this little sleeping Japanese tourist jumps in his seat because of the lever principle. So we get up and sit down for like three hours just to watch him jump in his seat. Good times. Where did they go?
Rating: The trick is knowing when to quit: (****)

Drug: Psilocybin
Type: It hides inside the mushroom, fa la lah.
Dosage: We agreed on thirty, but now I can’t remember how many I’ve picked already.
Effect: Yeah, hard to describe.
Benefits: No need to call that guy. All you need is bus fare to the secret place that everybody knows about.
Drawbacks: Who knows what that stuff does to you? It’s not like it’s developed in a lab.
Funny stories: The neighbours to the secret mushroom field spotted him on all fours. So the cops turned up, and they were all like: What are you doing? And he was all like: I’m picking psilocybin mushrooms. They’d never heard about it before, he actually had to explain it to them. They still didn't believe him. He insisted. So they took him downtown and looked it up, and sure enough, it was illegal. He got a huge fine and they called his parents.
Rating: Communing with the mushroom god? I’ll give that a: (****)

Drug: Banana peel
Type: The peel of the banana.
Dosage: One banana, two banana.
Effect: None. This is an urban legend that probably has to do with the fact that in some countries they roll joints in paper made from banana peel.
Benefits: You can eat the bananas while you do it.
Drawbacks: You’ve wasted an entire evening smoking banana peel.
Funny stories: Remember how we wasted an entire evening smoking banana peel? Good times. Where did they go?
Rating: You know you have to try it: (*****)

Drug: Magic bark from Africa
Type: Yeah, bark. You make tea. I’ve only encountered it on that one occasion.
Dosage: One cup was too much for me.
Effect: Superpowers.
Benefits: You heard me. Superpowers.
Drawbacks: Most of it was in my head, I think.
Funny stories: At least I didn’t beat up three policemen like that other guy.
Rating: This one gets strictly obscurity points: (*****)

Drug: LSD
Type: A very hard drug. A hallucinogenic substance that is not to be taken lightly.
Dosage: Let’s take half now and see how strong it is. No, let’s take two each.
Effect: Are you tripping yet? Me neither, but I can feel it moving up my spine. Everything has a green tint and it’s starting to… Whoa, if I can’t trust my senses, what can I trust? I know what the tree is thinking. The city is a cancer, see how it’s eating into nature. Everything – is – connected. I get it. I get it. I get it. Holy shit I’m freaking out. THERE IS (A) DARKNESS IN (MY) MIND.
Benefits: When they say it expands your consciousness they’re not kidding. It’ll change you.
Drawbacks: It’s seriously dangerous, mind-altering stuff. Stay away from it. You could very well go insane.
Funny stories: We were getting used to the paper bits and the microdots, and then we got hold of this gelatine stuff that dissolved in water. The thing is, we got the dose wrong. I’m telling you, I saw things moving by themselves, chess pieces, furniture. How I stayed sane that night is a mystery. The banana saved me.
Rating: Don’t ever fucking touch this, I mean it: (******)

Drug: Coffee
Type: Black like sin, sweet like temptation, creamy like, er, a sweaty mulatto girl in heels, foamy like… Foam. I don’t really care as long as it’s in a cup.
Dosage: If I had more mouths I could drink more.
Effect: Quality of life instantly improves up to 500%. It's scientifically proven.
Benefits: You can do things earlier in the morning than your body wants you to. Fuck you, body. I make the decisions around here.
Drawbacks: The jitters. The trots. Hey, it sounds like a dance: Do the Jittertrot!
Funny stories: One time at that café I drank 23 cups of coffee to prove a point. It was a stupid point, but I proved it alright.
Rating: I don’t know how I would even be able to stand upright without it: (******)

Drug: Alcohol
Type: The type you drink.
Dosage: A glass of wine with dinner. Just a few beers. Maybe a single Bloody Mary (it’s practically tomato soup). Do you think the bartender knows how to make a Daiquiri? I’ll have a Laphroigh, please, neat. Mmmh… Like sucking nectar through a hangman’s noose. Let’s do shots.
Effect: Nobody loves me/I love you/I hate you
Benefits: It’s legal, among a thousand other things.
Drawbacks: Hard to stop once you get started. The hangovers get worse with age.
Funny stories: There was the time I woke up naked in a room without furniture and as it turned out I had no friends anymore.
Rating: Alcohol is fucking brilliant. It is hands down the best drug in the world: (*******)

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Monday, January 23, 2006

Die neue unsachlichkeit

Our avantgarde art regime comes vith a spanking new set of rules for posting. Learn them by heart, then eat the paper. Well, print it and then eat it.

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We'll be back soon

(I may post less, but ask yourselves people, who do you think finds all these cool illustrational pictures for the blög, huh, HMM?)

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Sunday, January 22, 2006

All I have to say about profile views

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You have to choose




Which one do you want?




The red one or the black one?

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Time to choose

Who are you really?

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Saturday, January 21, 2006

We're cooking


At four thousand hits this blögzine officially becomes a site specific art project.

You can expect a lot more from us from now on. First of all our theoretical framework will be vastly improved. Vastly. We give you:
The Svada manifesto
1) Not Dada - Svada.

2) We plan to undertake a deeper exploration of SHÄDY ÄCRES' relationship to the topography of its locale, wherein we intend to create ephemeral or removable tableaux along particular pathways - This in order to restructure the visitor's conceptual and perceptual experience of that locale through the intervention of the many and diverse elements that make up this particular Finnmärck blögzine.

3) With an uncompromising focus on the narrowly locational, we will construct a reconceptualization of both place and identity respectively, a "telling and retelling of the tale" so to speak.

4) We propose three paradigms to frame this otherwise fluid and unstable process: phenomenological/experiential, social/in-stitutional and discursive/even more discursive.

5) We will henceforth discourage the acceptance of each archive-periodic development as a series of discrete essences. While each post and its comments appear to follow a teleological path of currents and countercurrents, the site specific progress and entry-historical shifts will rather be considered, in a manner similar to Foucault, as a series of disjunctions, stressing the interweaving and complication of artistic, administrative and market forces within and between the SHÄDY ÄCRES blögzine and its visitors.

6) We will finally endeavour to challenge the decontextualized space of the Internet, highlighting the experiential nature of the blög format by posting our entries outside the Internet from now on.

7) God help us all if we don't succeed.

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This week's pin-up

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Friday, January 20, 2006

Wish I was there

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Nadia’s vampire dream

"I was in a park in a place I was unfamiliar with, although I know I lived nearby. It was daytime but it was dark, thick black clouds, and strong winds. I was in a field near a delapidated shack.

I was out there specifically for the winds. In my dreams, when it is really windy I can run along catching gusts and get airborne. Once I've caught a good gust I can stay up for quite a while, sometimes in a bouncing motion like there isn't a lot of gravity. And some gusts are like rollercoasters. I quite often ride wind currents in my dreams.

Anyway I was just trying to catch a good gust, because while the dreams are regular they are fairly spaced out so that I have to get back into the swing of it again, and there were a group of vampires across the field. They were kind of threatening me, like they knew I was similar to them so I could join them or they could kill me and they were quite interested in me but also quite ambivalent about whether I would die or not.

I was a little scared of them. But I knew they were lame. Like glorified goths. So I buggered off into a field near by. I was slightly anxious that they would follow me but they never did.

I spent hours flying around in the field. It was bordered by huge willow trees all growing quite close together. They were gorge-ous. It was fun.

The end."

This is a wish fulfilment dream.

Dreams about flying are com-mon. From the age of about six or seven many children start dreaming of being cha-sed, running away from diff-erent “bad guys” - the chan-ging villains of the nocturnal drama. In these dreams, contrary to the (related) ones in which she can’t move, the child will run faster and better than her pursuers, sometimes actually taking off from the ground and flying away. This is often a recurring dream that comes back with intervals well into adulthood.

Your flying dream, even though it may seem independent, grows out of the running dream, which you’ve probably had from childhood. Children who have this dream typically feel disturbed by a significant challenge or obstacle in their lives: Economic pressures, the death of a parent or sibling, an illness - either personal or as a family problem, like alcoholism – something nasty. Something a child would want to take flight from.

The flying clearly represents your wish to escape, but more significantly, it represents a sense of trust in your own ability to outrun whatever is after you. You know you are smart, imaginative and powerful enough to find a way out.

So what’s chasing you? A group of vampires. You don’t say what sex they are – boys, girls, mixed, unisex – it could be significant.

Some would see the vampire as a very bland and generic type of monster. Sure it’ll kill you dead, it’s evil and lurks in the shadows and all that, but don't they all? Like you say, isn’t it in some ways just a lame, glorified goth? No, you don’t really believe that. You know that the vampire was a beautiful, sensuous symbol of darkness long before that sad new breed of middle class narcissist came along.

It is clearly something erotic that threatens you. Exactly what evil does the vampire do? She takes her pleasure from other people by extortion. She uses intimidation and blackmail to get what she wants. She is perhaps so afraid of rejection that she doesn’t dare ask for what she wants, so instead she just takes it. And she lives (in this state) forever and ever, never entering into a reciprocal relationship.

Do the vampires recognize you as something similar to them, or is it the other way around? The important thing is, you don’t want to be their victim any more than you want to join them. You fly away to a safe haven guarded by beautiful willows.

You're not going to like this next part: If you choose to believe in the collective unconscious, it’s interesting that the willow trees have always been symbolically connected to the dark moon goddesses. There is a type of willow sometimes called “the chaste tree”, and moon priestesses would sleep in its fallen leaves to become clean. This ritual was translated into Christianity where nuns would drink a tonic distilled from the sap of the willow to strengthen them in their celibacy.

To sum it up: You fear that you might (again) fall prey to sexual blackmail equally as much as you fear your own extortionist tendencies. But you are also ultimately confident in your ability to escape those elements of your sexuality (perhaps by seeking refuge for a time in a state of chastity).

That’s all I could come up with. Oh, and you’re a lesbian and a switch.

Thank you for your dream.

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Two poems by Maître

We drove through the night
Full of speed and full of spite
We came to a crossing
But we didn't know
Whether to go straight forward
Or left or right
I can't remember
Which way we took
But I know it was September
And all the love I had to give
Was lost


Minute Maid
When I get paid
Sandwich in a bag
For my friend the fag
Bowl of fruit
Champagne in a flute

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Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Mayday, mayday

"STAFF WRITERS WANTED FOR HAZARDOUS BLÖGZINE. SMALL WAGES, BITTER COLD, LONG MONTHS OF COMPLETE DARKNESS, CONSTANT DAN-GER, SAFE RETURN DOUBT-FUL. HONOR AND RECOGNI-TION IN CASE OF SUCCESS."

Yes, the albino giraffe is a hilarious animal and so is the moose. Hell, even the storf is pretty funny. But the elephant? That’s stretching it. Let’s face it - it’s getting old. We honestly can’t come up with anything new, we’re just treading water here. What we both need is a holiday and a new job.

That's where you monkeys come in. You owe us. Send us some material for Christ’s sake, a lame joke, a bad poem, a dream you had, your holiday snapshots, anything.
(And watch out for the guy who drew this)
Throw us a line.

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Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Man and the elephant: Our shared heritage

Could this be how it took place, that first awkward meeting, so many millennia ago? By chance it wandered round the lake and into our camp - and we recognized something of ourselves in the eyes of that noble beast: There must have been an immediate connection, a bond. But how was that first elephant tamed? And why did this particular species become Man's first domestic animal? We may never know.

We only know that the elephant is now and ever will be Man's best friend.

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Monday, January 16, 2006

A word from our Christian* sponsors

"Did God Condone the Slave Trade? DARK sweat-ing bodies bent almost in two shuffle up gangplanks under the crushing burdens of enor-mous bales of cotton. Ruth-less overseers drive them on with rawhide whips. Scream-ing children are torn from the arms of weeping mothers and sold to the highest bidder in auctions. These are likely the stark, brutal images that come to mind when you think of slavery.

Ironically, it is said that many slave traders and slave owners were deeply religious individuals. Historian James Walvin wrote: There were hundreds of such men, Europeans and Americans, who praised the Lord for his blessing, giving thanks for profitable and safe business in Africa as they turned their slave ships into the trade winds and headed for the New World.

Some people have even asserted that God condoned the slave trade. For example, in a speech to the General Conference of the Methodist Protestant Church in 1842, Alexander McCaine stated that the institution of slavery was ordained by God Himself. Was McCaine correct? Did God approve of the kidnapping and raping of girls, the heartless separating of families, and the cruel beatings that were part and parcel of the slave trade of McCaine's day? And what of the millions who are forced to live and work as slaves under brutal conditions today? Does God condone such inhumane treatment?"

*)This post has, in the name of cultural diversity, been brought to you from the Jehova's Witnesses' website. The illustration is ours.

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Tableau in the ruins

Girl who has been very naughty: Ow! Ow! But you pwomised us a Nazi-fwee week! You pwomised!


Hildegarde: Well we lied, didn't we? And besides, you have been very, very naughty.


Guy loafing in the back-ground: This could take a while. I better take off my shirt and work on my tan while I have the chance.

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What are you saying?

A pair of pliers? Boots? Use your hands.

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Sunday, January 15, 2006

Try and break this heart

You'll need: a pair of pliers, big boots and if that doesn't do the job, bring a sledgehammer.

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Don't be alarmed

I am currently experimenting with fancy-schmancy backgrounds.

First I tried this one, but even though I really like the picture (by me) it was just too messy.

(Note the map pictoral in the lower right side of the picture showing the still uncharted areas of the world.)

Then I tried this one, which is basically a close-up picture of a towel.

I found it soft and cosy, but a bit disturbing to the eye.

For the moment I've landed on this one. It gives us that "teenage pants" look we so badly hanker after.

The thing is, I really liked our nice, flat hospital-puke-green. So we'll see.

This line is purely aesthetic.

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