Saturday, December 16, 2006

Suttonhoo has a date with destiny

So it seemed like a good idea, for some reason, to tell you your future. Now that I have the cards out and everything, I must confess I’m beginning to have my doubts about the soundness of the undertaking. But that’s the way I always feel before a reading, so let’s dismiss those doubts altogether and proceed in good cheer. I am, after all, no psychic. I’m just a hardcore rationalist who also for some reason happens to be a Tarot ace. Go figure.

Since I’m broadcasting this (as always by means of a huge internet antenna made out of empty beer cans and string) I must first of all explain to everyone else that I don’t know Suttonhoo from Adam, and since I make no claim to this being anything other than a party trick, I shouldn’t technically have any reservations about making it public. But then anyone with any kind of experience with the Tarot, even a last ditch rationalist like myself, knows that for some reason or other this stuff works. In the hands of a reader with even a little practice, the cards will unexpectedly spring to life and start spilling the beans. So I may hold back just a little. Anyway, it’s just a pastime and I know you can take it.


Aesthetics are the chief component in all magic, and divination is no exception. I use the Ryder-Waite deck, simply because I find it the most beautiful, and therefore the most powerful. To me it is not a beginners’ deck, or a bland, generic deck as some would see it. As far as I’m concerned it is the only deck there is. I keep the cards in an empty toffee tin, and like to spread them on a piece of black cloth. Today I will be using a fine Vietnamese silk kerchief of Sara’s that she has graciously rented out to me for a small fee.

I never pick a Significator card, as some do, to represent the questioner. But should I have to choose one it would probably be the Page of Cups. You strike me as a Page of Cups kind of girl. I will not be asking about anything specific, since I know next to nothing about the particulars of your life, but rather seek a very broad and general reading.

Here we go.

As soon as I start shuffling the deck a severe hailstorm erupts outside, without warning, as if on cue. I am not making this up. Car alarms go off all over the place and the electric lights flicker. Such occurrences are not unusual, and even though I can easily dismiss them as coincidence, they are part of why I have my reservations about using the cards at all. It always freaks me out when my paradigm is challenged by the undeniable fact that I possess strange mystical powers. You will soon discover the truth of this.

I will not dwell on my shuffling method, other than to say I try to avoid reversing the cards. Once I know the cards are shuffled just right I cut the deck in three stacks with my left hand and spread them. When I consult the cards for myself I like to spread them face down, turning them one by one, but for this reading I will spread the cards face up. I will use the Queen of Avalon spread for you.


The Queen of Avalon spread - named after the great Morgan le Fay, a witch close in blood to King Arthur, who was according to legend the ruler and patron (dominatrix atque patrona) of those parts - is a thirteen card version of the well known Celtic Cross spread. It was taught to me many years ago in Vienna by an old, one-eyed gypsy that I just made up.

The spread is divided into five parts:
1: The Cradle: This cluster of three cards tells about your life in general and the situation at hand.
2: The Floor and the Crown: This two card axis offers suggestions about the foundations and possibilities of the situation at hand.
3: What came before and what lies ahead: This two card axis tells about your past and your future (duh).
4: The House, the Ghost and the Enemy: This streak of three cards reveals your surroundings, your hopes and fears, and the forces that oppose you.
5: The Fan: These three cards hint at one or more possible outcomes.

Are you ready? OK. These are your cards:


MY READING
A few general tendencies:
The cards are evenly distributed between the suits, with a slight majority of Cups, which supports my initial intuition about you. It also points to a reading related to emotional issues, love and family. There are three Major Arcana cards in the spread, a nice, average number, which would indicate that you have your own destiny firm in hand. An overweight of Major Arcana cards in a spread tend to be a sign that "the answer is out of the questioner’s hands", so to speak. Also, you’ve got a couple of Aces, which would be pretty good if we were playing poker.

The Cradle
The Questioner: The Knight of Cups.
See? This is why I never pick a Significator card. As I said, I would have chosen the page of cups, but then the cards seem to know you better than I do. You are a dreamer, obviously. A poetic, emotional girl, highly cultured, but perhaps a bit on the lazy side. Lately you may have gotten yourself temporarily involved in some sort of emotional entanglement.

What covers it: The Wheel of Fortune.
The crux of the biscuit: Things have been set in motion, huge things, and now events in your life suddenly seem to whirl beyond your control. This seems to be a contradiction, but then you may have underestimated your own influence - I get a strong feeling you’ve started all this yourself. I sense that you are standing on the brink of a great change in your life, but that you are somehow blind to it. All is chaos, and yet all is quiet around you. You are at the eye of the storm.

What crosses it: Eight of Swords.
You are under strong, direct pressure from your immediate surroundings on this issue. You are censored and bound by severe, almost crippling restrictions. You have to make a decision. This is very important. You have to act now, or the knot will tighten.

The Floor and the Crown
The Floor: Seven of Cups.
What lies at the root? Choices, possibilities, daydreams, illusions… I see you running through the fenland at dusk, chasing the faint glow of a lamp between the trees. The ground is wet and slippery beneath your feet. The sun is setting. You must find a way out of the marsh or perish. This card supports the impression that you have some sort of vital choice to make, and soon, before the ground gives way underneath your feet.

The Crown: The World.
And you have been thinking about making some kind of drastic change in your life. If push comes to shove it could mean the end of a cycle for you, for better or for worse. You could free yourself from the restrictions than presently bind you. You could move somewhere else and start over. Well, maybe not. But you know what I mean.

What came before and what lies ahead
What came before: Seven of Swords.
This is such an annoying card because it carries a contradictory meaning. Are you the sneaky guy in the fur hat stealing away with his enemies’ swords on the eve of battle, or is it the other way around? One reading could be that sometime in the past you ran off with someone else’s lover, and then it didn’t work out. But then it could also very well be the other way around. Or you could have a penchant for fur hats.

What lies ahead: The King of Cups.
In the near future you have a date with this guy. Probably a fair man, a bit older than you. He is a man of the world, friendly, creative, used to responsibility, used to getting his way – if not by force then by stratagem. Shrewd, I think is the word. Maybe this clever, manipulative side to him is the reason why he is so highly respected, and yet not loved by many. Maybe he was the same one we saw stealing the seven swords, he just got a little better at it. Maybe you see something in him that I don’t. Anyways, you have a date with him soon.

The House, the Ghost and the Enemy
The House: The Lovers.
This confirms my suspicion. You’re obviously having an affair. Don’t try to deny it.

The Ghost: The Queen of Wands.
You’re afraid of this dark, practical woman, maybe because you’re sleeping with her husband. Or it could be your mother, that would make sense. God knows I’m afraid of mine. No, I’m not really getting anything solid on this one, so I’m going to have to pass. She’s a generous, popular sort of woman, loves nature and takes great pride in her home. Maybe a relative. For some reason your darkest fears are connected to her.

The Enemy: The Ace of Cups.
I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this, but you might be pregnant. Or you want to be pregnant, but you’re not. Either way it’s some kind of bummer connected to fertility. There may be a risk to your health involved.

The Fan
First Leaf: Nine of Swords.
One possible outcome of your sordid affair is complete and utter ruin. Disappointment. Regret. Depression. Loss. Suffering. Scandal. I’m not going to lie to you; this is not a nice card. It has darker connotations still, but I don’t want to scare you. There could be some really dark days ahead, very soon.

Second Leaf: Four of Wands.
On the other hand, you could run off and marry your secret lover, the sword thief. That would be nice. See how the people in the card are dancing and waving bouquets of flowers in the air? That could be you on a tropical island.

Third Leaf: Ace of Pentacles.
Plus you have some money coming, maybe not in the immediate future, but pretty soon. That’s good, right? And not just the quick and easy kind: The foundations of real economic security. You will endeavour to make a material approach to spiritual matters, through the appreciation of all the good and beautiful things in life.

That concludes my reading. Now you know why they call me "the Oracle of Lüleå".

11 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yeesh, that's a lot to throw at a person. You should do this for animals too, like the pet psychic.

Incidentally, the Shakespeare tarot has crappy crappy artwork but is a very very interesting idea.

1:42 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

um, thanks. I think.

"complete and utter ruin," huh?

crap.

(this will teach me to go away for a weekend -- clearly all hell has broken loose in my absence. that, AND I now need to defend my virtue. or find the man in the fur hat and offer him my virtue.)

4:24 am  
Blogger Mikkel said...

You're welcome! I try to use my powers for good once in a while. I must warn you, though; my predictions are usually only 90% accurate.

Antagonous: I see... A large meteor.

10:12 am  
Anonymous børvis said...

it's really børvis and the kiwi spying on you, as we have become your ornaments. it was all a setup to bust your ass

12:48 pm  
Blogger Mikkel said...

Ass busting. I see.

7:40 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A large meteor! is it made of cheese?! Will it be emblazoned with the Shady Acres logo?

5:53 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't know what's freaking me out more -- the reading, or the thought of børvis and kiwi as ornaments.

that's so freaking strange.

6:53 am  
Blogger Mikkel said...

People, people - pull yourselves together. The sillyness is getting out of hand. We're trying to run a serious Finnmärk blögzine here.

8:17 am  
Anonymous børvis said...

I thought it would be kinda cute. As long as you don't put us in a cage; then we would have to perform Seppeku, though the kiwi would need your permission

12:08 pm  
Anonymous Sexy Sadie said...

Which deck are you using?

11:22 pm  
Blogger Mikkel said...

The Ryder-Waite.

11:35 pm  

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