Friday, June 30, 2006
But we need empty bottles
REMEMBER: If you're leaving for the summer, you don't have to change your subscription to this blögzine. The interknit will find you.
Thursday, June 29, 2006
One thing led to another. For a while I was tempted to hook up with that cheap bourbon I have been breaking up with for years, but I figured my high maintenance Islay single malt would get jealous.
I am such a slut with my drinks. Tequila broke my heart, and I’ve had to learn the hard way that gin just wants my body. Don’t get me started on vodka. Why, oh why do I never learn? In my heart I know I will always love the golden lady of the barley. God, I’m getting thirsty just thinking about her. I mean it.
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
And then, in that light, I saw Katla
This is one of the truly great children’s books, maybe the best one ever written. If you haven’t read it you should run out and buy it right now: The Brothers Lionheart, written by Astrid Lindgren and illustrated by Ilon Wiklund.
(But I don’t have any children to read it to, you say. Well, this would be a great time to think about adoption. Or you can buy an orphan on the black market.)
As children’s books come, this is a rough one: The boy Scotty is very sick. To comfort him his older brother Jonathan tells him about Nangiyala, a saga land on the other side of the stars. It’ll be much worse for me, Jonathan says, I’ll be left here on earth without you.
As it turns out it’s the other way around. Jonathan dies throwing himself out of a window to save Scotty from a fire in their tenement building. A few months later Scotty dies too, and the two brothers reunite.
Nangiyala seems like a happy fairytale land at first. The two brothers live in a small house outside the village, among the trees and blossoms of Cherry Valley. They go fishing by the creek and ride their horses through the woods. The people of the village love them.
But Scotty keeps hearing dark rumors of another valley, over the mountains, a coming danger that threatens their peaceful days. It seems the people of Wild Rose Valley have been enslaved by Tengle the usurper, and Katla, the primeval she-dragon that he has tamed.
Eventually the brothers are thrown into the battle to free Wild Rose Valley from the tyrant, the central conflict of the story. They must journey into a land of darkness and slavery to rescue Orvar, the imprisoned resistance leader.
As they return to Wild Rose Valley, Orvar, more dead than alive but burning with fury, immediately sets to work organizing his great rebellion. On the eve of battle the brothers are present at his secret war counsel:
Then he talked again of how they would quickly have to liberate the valley from every one of Tengle’s men, and Jonathan said:
"Liberate? You mean kill?"
"Yes, what else would I mean," said Orvar.
"But I can’t kill anybody," said Jonathan, "You know that, Orvar!"
"Not even if it was to save you own life?" asked Orvar.
"No, not even then," said Jonathan.
Orvar could not understand this, and neither could Matias, it seemed.
"If everyone was like that," said Orvar, "then evil would be able to rule for all eternity."
But then I told him that if everyone was like Jonathan, there wouldn’t be any evil.
Monday, June 26, 2006
Sunday, June 25, 2006
Things I hate about housework
Saturday, June 24, 2006
An imitation coin or token
What we want you to learn from this is that the engines of Finnmärck are fueled by your cravings. You, and you alone, are the cause of every repressive depiction we offer you.
This is the oldest trick in the book; if we fall short, you are at fault.
I'm full of ideas and 65% water
* An absurdly lengthy photo reportage about my new hat. Interview strangers about it on the street.
* A World Cup sports column wherein I review armed conflicts instead of soccer matches. Israel vs. Palestine, Somalia vs. Somalia, USA vs. Terror and so on. Use weak metaphors like "coach", "foul" and "red card".
* Send an item back and forth through the mail, like an action figure on vacation, have people in different parts of the world take pictures of it doing cool stuff. It could even be a giraffe, I don’t know. Maybe this is lame.
* Declare total war on another blogger, like the anonymous crypto-fascist who got so scared of my one comment that he blocked my IP-address. Do it in some sneaky way that can’t be blocked or traced to here. Hammer him every day until he commits suicide.
* Start some sort of campaign where everybody has to send us small items and then we redistribute them according to our whims. My instinct says "panties" but my transcendent faculties say, "gross" and "don’t milk a dead cow unless you like cold milk", to which my instinct replies, "what the hell does that mean?".
* Stalk one of our local readers, take stealthy paparazzi pictures of them, go through their trash, maybe even do a bit of the old B & E. This is not a bad idea actually.
* Make a travel brochure about our bathroom. I could cram all our potted plants in there to make it more exotic.
Friday, June 23, 2006
Globes for everyone!
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Be merry, my friends, be merry
Governess spank cane
Monday, June 19, 2006
Land of milk and sausages
We were at the bar where we go to look at the younger people, and it was empty except for this Asian girl at the next table who kept complaining that the shawarma place was closing. So we went there and it was empty except for the surly Kurd who runs it.
I had the mergaz sausage thing, and on our way out I asked the Kurd if it was true that they were closing. He gave me a long look of exasperation and said: "No. No. We just had to get a new sink, OK?" That's my entire night out, right there.
Sunday, June 18, 2006
Speaking of barrel-shaped cheese
Saturday, June 17, 2006
V is for vomit
More love or re-education camp
These snippets are all the posts that were saved as drafts, every stinking one of them since we started. They were either forgotten, abandoned or we ran them and then pulled them for some reason or other. Some of them are roughs, some are just pictures, some consist of nothing but a headline.
But they have one thing in common: As you are about to find out, they all suck.
More love or re-education camp
A Comparative Investigation of Reward and Punishment.
This is a bi-monthly regular with an academic profile. The idea is to compare two individuals for the purpose of investigating whether it would be more rehabilitating to send them to a full-scale totalitarian re-education camp a la the Gulag, or whether a mere healthy amount of love would suffice.
This week: Britney Spears vs Madonna
Camping with insane junkie murderers
I really started to hate them when I found out they had used my book 'Papillion' to light a fire.
YOU FEEL VERY CALM
YOU FEEL SO VERY CALM
YOU FEEL OH SO VERY NICE AND CALM
I have a question.
I once lived
I once lived with my dreaded landlady, Di in Cornwall. To make a long story short, I really love her.
How to survive the holidays
The dreaded landlady
I moved to England to study, because it was the only country I could get into uni without actually having gone to highschool. In fact, I am proud to have a university degree without ever having done those obligatory three years of tedious trivial pursuit school. The only reason why we have them, I believe, is to keep young people from realising that drugs and not working can be a fulfilling pastime.
But that's besides the point. Time is due for a short story of the bog-ish variety. It's about the time when Diane my dying landlady and I, spiked the drink of our local gourmet restaurant owner.
Diane is a long story and a truly wonderful woman. However, to cut the story a little shorter, Di was diagnosed with a fatal disease way back in 1985, and was told that she had no more than five years left to live. Shit, Di thought, and decided to organise her mortgage and economy in terms of that verdict, meaning that everything would be ok for her daughter when she died around 1990. Until then, she decided, I'm going to party my little arse off. Which she did. Only she didn't die.
I came to live with her as a lodger in 1998, at which point she was still partying, but had ran out of cash. We bonded instantaneously.
Our main trick was to go out together, because all the guys who wanted to talk to me would have to buy both of us a drink. Later, she would cook the two of us fabulous French meals and reminisce about being a painter in Crete and Paris. We had a stuffed crocodile in the kitchen called Eric, and she knew all the stranger characters of the district (there is a lesbian horse named after me, but that's another story).
Anyway, one day, I had gotten hold of some liquid amphetamine, stuff that'll keep you awake and gritting your teeth for days. The local restauranteur came sniffing around and invited us for a red wine lunch, his plan being to get into my pants, of course. Well, can't blame a guy for trying, but he really must have regretted this later.
We drank quite a bit of wine and spiked his drink. Yes, it was evil. He became megalomanic, and invited us to his restaurant where we ordered pheasant and champagne. Actually, I sent the pheasant back to the kitchen and ordered more champagne. We drank champagne until we felt ill and went home and drank more, since we couldn't sleep.
That darn giraffe This is the last one, I promiseIs there a life before death? A quiz.
a) Do you sometimes imagine your mother's funeral in order to check if you feel anything?
b) Do you ever fantasize about having wild sex with your grandparents in order to get properly off?
c) What would your best revenge scenario fantasy include?
1. Talking back to someone who offended you
2. A full-scale revolution, complete with genocide or the like
3. Cleaning the toilet with your room mate's toothbrush
No Inuits were harmed during this experiment.
What do you take us for - fools?
Imposter! While it is a well known fact that Prince Vidkun has a birthmark on the left buttock, his twin sister has hers on the right. You are so busted.
Time: 01:02:03 Date:04/05/06
We don't usually do this, but hey
This is not a trivial task. However, I believe there's a very strong case to be made.
I'm NOT saying that we have a fascist government in America today. The United States is a democracy, we still have a free press, and the armed forces haven't acquiesced to the one-man rule of George W. Bush. I'm not claiming that it's inevitable, or even especially likely, that America will eventually become a full-blown fascist state. I'm certainly not saying that anyone in power today is consciously striving to create a full-fledged fascist dictatorship on the model of Mussolini's Italy or Franco's Spain.
What I am saying is that the Bush administration has embraced many of the key mutually-reinforcing ideological tenets of Fascism: militarism, imperialism, corporate statism, state-sponsored religion, male dominance, irrationalism, and mass propaganda."