Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Slut Studies (advanced)

The Panty Goddesses of Minoan Crete
Panty sluts have presumably existed since the dawn of man, but not until the advent of the great Minoan civilizations were they worshipped as goddesses. Archaeological findings suggest the existence of a thriving panty cult in Neopalatial Minoan Crete (1700-1400 BC), but since we have only remote vestiges and ruins left from this ancient culture, we can merely guess at the religious practices surrounding the mysterious Panty Goddesses. Behind their broken exteriors, the few remaining objects and fragments only hint at a rich and complex religious life and an advanced symbolic system.

An apparent characteristic of early Minoan religion was its polytheistic and matriarchal nature: The gods were all female. What precipitated the transition from an ordinary goddess religion to a slut cult is still subject to much debate and controversy, but the adoption of more sedentary living because of agriculture, and the ready availability in the Mediterranean of red wine, may have fundamentally reoriented society towards a sluttier lifestyle. It is certain, however, that urbanization dramatically precipitated sluttiness as human life suddenly assumed a double quality: public life (the panty sphere) and private life (the pantiless sphere).

The head of the Minoan pantyon seems to have been an all-powerful Panty Goddess deity who ruled everything in the universe. Her relationship to the world of creation was one of reciprocal sluttiness, a fundamentally different relation than the relationship of a mother goddess or a father god to the offspring.

This is a difference which is almost impossible for a modern person to understand, but in Moses, Monotheism and Panties Sigmund Hearst Freud hints at its fundamental aspect: The relationship between mother and offspring is a real, biological relationship that can be concretely demonstrated - the child comes from the mother. The relationship to the father is also a biological relationship, but it can only be inferred because the child doesn't come directly from the father's body - it is inferred symbolically, that is, the child looks like the father.

The intricate relationship between panty sluts is far more complicated. It is fundamentally closer, an intimate kinship, and yet it has an inherent aspect of distance and separation - the panties. The panty barrier is not traditionally emphasized in god or goddess religions.

All this, however, can merely be guesses. Sadly, very little comes down to us from the great slut cults of antiquity. It is extraordinarily difficult to assess the precise nature of the panty worship in Minoan Crete. There are for example numerous representations of different kinds of panty sluts, which lead some scholars to the conclusion that the Cretans were polytheistic, while others argue that these merely represent manifestations of the one Panty Goddess.

However this may be we can inarguably distinguish between several types of Minoan Slut Goddess. One is called The Lady of the String, or The String Enchantress; this goddess is represented as mastering or overcoming the forces of the natural world. In a later incarnation she becomes Bikini Girl, often depicted as standing on a beach, apparently harnessing the power of the sun in the protection of sea animals and marine life.

The most popular goddess seems to have been The Panty Temptress, who instead of wearing her panties as an undergarment has them entwined on her body or in her hands, sometimes several pairs. Since this enigmatic figurine is most often found in bedrooms and in small shrines within the palatial ruins, many scholars believe that she is some sort of domestic slut goddess or goddess of the night - a kind of slutty guardian angel.

The Minoan religious world apparently had numerous demon sluts as well, who are shown in large murals performing terrible rituals. These are almost always pantyfaced sluts, but with the hands and feet of a lioness. While they are certainly monstrous, they may in actuality be symbols of some forgotten practice of religious worship.

Most scholars today believe that the principle female goddesses of later Greek religions, such as Hera, Artemis, Jeanette and so on, ultimately derive from the Minoan Slut Goddesses. Indeed, the legacy of the Minoan slut cult seems still to be alive today: While both Greece and Crete are now Greek Orthodox Christian, in Greece women will regularly swear by the name of the Virgin Mary, while in Crete both men and women swear by the epithet Pantynagia - Our Lady of Clean Panties.

6 Comments:

Blogger Leslie said...

Statistical results of the poll:
-Panty sluts: 11.1%
-Arty panty sluts: 13.0%
-More of everything: 19.2%
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-Total potential panty sluts: 43.3%

Blog topics post-poll:
-Some other topic (blogs?!?): 33.3%
-Panty sluts: 66.7%
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-Total fun: 100%

3:11 pm  
Blogger Mikkel said...

It's all very scientific. We want to attract the intelligensia.

5:09 pm  
Anonymous ungovernable said...

skikkelig inkeligent

7:30 pm  
Blogger Mikkel said...

But it seems we have scared them away. They are not ready for the pantiless truth.

12:55 pm  
Blogger Lasse said...

Youre insane!
I laughed so much - The Lady of the String - HAHAHAHAAH!

3:33 pm  
Blogger Mikkel said...

Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all week.

12:26 am  

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