Thursday, April 27, 2006

I grew up on an island

A play in one act

Lights fade up. James Bond and the giraffe emerge out of the automatic doors of an airport building.

GIRAFFE
So we’re here. What’s next?

JAMES BOND
Get us a taxi. We’ll go to the hotel.

GIRAFFE
Are you OK?

JAMES BOND
I’m fine. Get us a taxi. I’ll watch the luggage.

GIRAFFE
Wait right here.

The giraffe waves down a taxi and they get into it.

JAMES BOND
What do you think?

GIRAFFE
About the city? It looks pretty normal to me. It could be anywhere.

JAMES BOND
You think so?

GIRAFFE
There are a lot more bicycles, but otherwise it could be anywhere.

JAMES BOND
I suppose you’re right.

GIRAFFE
(To the driver)
You guys have a lot of bicycles!

The taxi stops. They get out and walk directly into a hotel room. They start unpacking.

GIRAFFE
So have you talked to any of them?

JAMES BOND
No.

GIRAFFE
Do they know you’re coming?

JAMES BOND
No. I haven’t talked to any of them since then.

GIRAFFE
Why not?

JAMES BOND
What do you mean why not?

GIRAFFE
One would think, with what you went through together, that you would want to stay in touch.

JAMES BOND
Why is that?

GIRAFFE
One would assume.

JAMES BOND
Well, I haven’t. And neither have they. They haven’t stayed in touch with me either.

GIRAFFE
But you were the one who went away.

JAMES BOND
And that makes it my responsibility somehow?

GIRAFFE
Well, yes, sort of.

JAMES BOND
Listen, you don’t know anything about it.

GIRAFFE
No, but I...

JAMES BOND
Shut up. You don’t know. It’s not like it’s my old soccer team, camelopard. It’s not like that. I brought you with me so you could help me get through this. Do you want to help me?

GIRAFFE
Yes.

JAMES BOND
Then shut up.

GIRAFFE
Nice. OK. I’m going to call the tortoise.

JAMES BOND
Knock yourself out. I’m taking a nap.

The giraffe wanders off into a corridor to call the tortoise on his cell phone.

GIRAFFE
Yeah, no, he’s taking a nap. I guess he’s tired. He is such a pain in the ass right now. Yes I know that, but it’s different. No he doesn’t. He only took me because you kept insisting. Yes he did, he said so on the plane. I don’t know why you wanted me to come anyway. He's treating me like I’m in the way or something, and I’m the one doing him a fucking favor. Have you seen his suitcase? That thing weighs a ton. Yes I know he’s a British spy, you don’t have to tell me that.

The giraffe hangs up and comes back into the hotel room. The curtains are drawn.

GIRAFFE
The tortoise says hi.

JAMES BOND
(Lying on the bed, his back turned)
We should have rented a car at the airport. We need a car.

GIRAFFE
Now? Today?

JAMES BOND
Better get it today, we’ll be set for tomorrow. Wake me in an hour, we’ll go get a car.

GIRAFFE
OK, sure. Whatever.

JAMES BOND
You packed your suit like I told you, right?

GIRAFFE
Yes I did, for the third time. I packed the suit like you told me.

JAMES BOND
Good. Wake me in an hour.

He gets up. The rental car is standing right there. They walk over to it. It’s a Mercedes.

GIRAFFE
This is nice, huh?

JAMES BOND
Let’s go back to the hotel, we can get some dinner. Or lunch, they’ll be serving lunch now. That’s not a stick shift, is it?

GIRAFFE
No, thank God. We would’ve been in trouble.

JAMES BOND
Don’t drive too fast. It makes me sick to my stomach.

GIRAFFE
Don’t worry, I won’t.

JAMES BOND
And don’t drive too slow either.

GIRAFFE
Listen James, would you stop riding my ass already? Drive the car yourself.

JAMES BOND
I don't have a license.

GIRAFFE
You can’t drive?

JAMES BOND
Sure I can.

GIRAFFE
Then how come you don’t have a license?

JAMES BOND
I just don’t. Make a left here.

There is a loud farting noise.

GIRAFFE
(Laughing)
Jesus Christ!

JAMES BOND
You’re going too fast.

GIRAFFE
We're back.

They get out of the car and walk directly into the hotel bar.

JAMES BOND
I’ll have a vodka martini, shaken, not stirred. You know what? Fuck that. I'm having a white Russian.

GIRAFFE
I’ll have the same. And some cud.

They sip their drinks.

GIRAFFE
That wasn’t so bad. The cud is good, anyway.

JAMES BOND
It’s OK. It’s a pretty good hotel. I found it on the Internet.

GIRAFFE
(Puzzled)
You’re online?

JAMES BOND
What, you think I’m senile or something? Of course I am.

GIRAFFE
You know, I have to tell you I’m glad I came. It’s nice to finally see the center of the Empire.

JAMES BOND
This isn’t London.

GIRAFFE
I know, James. I meant the other Empire. I hope I get to see some more of it before we go home. I grew up on an island myself, you know.

JAMES BOND
It’s changed a lot. It’s not the same country.

GIRAFFE
Yeah? How so?

JAMES BOND
It’s been so long. I don’t recognize it.

GIRAFFE
I suppose that’s natural. Why did you leave?

JAMES BOND
Haven’t I told you this story before? I was offered that job with the government. I couldn’t afford to say no. I started traveling. After a while I didn’t come back so often. Eventually I stopped completely.

GIRAFFE
Listen James; I know you don’t like to talk about it.

JAMES BOND
I don’t.

GIRAFFE
But don’t you think I should know? We’re meeting those people tomorrow, I feel like an idiot.

JAMES BOND
(Yawns)
You know the story, camelopard. I’ve told you before.

GIRAFFE
Tell me again.

JAMES BOND
There’s not much to tell.

GIRAFFE
When did you join?

JAMES BOND
I didn’t join, it isn’t a club that you can just join.

GIRAFFE
Then what happened?

JAMES BOND
I was recruited at Oxford. That’s how it started. Then we came here.

GIRAFFE
What did you study?

JAMES BOND
Archeology.

GIRAFFE
Quite a change from archeology. Weren’t you scared?

JAMES BOND
Of course I was scared. We were all scared. But we were just kids. You think you’re going to live forever.

GIRAFFE
What kind of work did you do?

JAMES BOND
I’m tired, camelopard. Aren’t you tired? I’m tired from the flight and I’m beginning to get a headache. We need to be fresh for that thing tomorrow.

GIRAFFE
You mean the funeral.

JAMES BOND
Yes, that. And for the job afterwards.

GIRAFFE
OK, let’s go upstairs.

They don’t move. Lights fade.

THE END.

8 Comments:

Blogger surly fag said...

that took my breath away. a deeply unsettling and inspiring piece of work yet again.

11:08 am  
Blogger Susanne said...

This was a thrill and a treat and a cookie and a big BEEEER in the shape of text! Merci, Shady.

11:14 am  
Blogger Mikkel said...

Thanks, guys! I wasn't sure there was anything there.

10:19 pm  
Blogger MGL said...

I really liked this!

12:19 pm  
Anonymous børvis said...

I think james is depressed

10:19 pm  
Blogger Mikkel said...

Two penguins are walking down the beach.

On of the penguins says to the other: "Hey, I never noticed before, you look like you're wearing a tuxido!"

The other penguin goes: "Yeah? Well maybe I am."

1:55 am  
Blogger Antagonous said...

Story very funny, I like the new look. Last comment ?!! Is insanity brewing over there?

9:25 am  
Blogger Mikkel said...

Always.

8:49 pm  

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