Tuesday, January 24, 2006

What’s your poison?

The SHÄDY ÄCRES field guide to narcotics

For your benefit we have systematically tested these sub-stances on ourselves (and all our friends) over a period of what felt like weeks but which turned out to be our entire youth.

For easy reference we have rated them on a scale from (*) to (*******) microdots.

Drug: Nicotine
Type: The type you’re addicted to even if you haven’t smoked for 10 years.
Dosage: Suck, suck, suck on the teat of death.
Effect: Makes you want to smoke more cigarettes.
Benefits: Let’s face it, it makes you look cool.
Drawbacks: Lung cancer. Kind of a drag, really.
Funny stories: I’ve tried quitting for 16 years now. Ha ha ha ha ha.
Rating: Fuck you, tobacco industry: (*)

Drug: Nutmeg
Type: The type you find in the kitchen at some party you crashed.
Dosage: Too much will give you a splitting headache, but so will too little, so it really doesn’t matter.
Effect: Splitting headaches. If you’re lucky you get to vomit.
Benefits: It’s hard to come up with any benefits unless you like headaches.
Drawbacks: Did I mention the splitting headaches?
Funny stories: Remember how we wasted an evening smoking nutmeg? That was a horrible idea. Let’s never do that again.
Rating: You might as well smoke tea: (*)

Drug: GHB/Fantasy/liquid ecstasy
Type: The type you use for date rape.
Dosage: One dose per drink of every girl you want to rape.
Effect: They go limb so you can rape them.
Benefits: Do we really need to go over this again?
Drawbacks: Never trust a drug you can’t mix with alcohol.
Funny stories: If you like date rape, sure, I've got many.
Rating: I guess if you're partial to alcohol and consensual sex: (*)

Drug: Crack cocaine
Type: Like cocaine, only much, much better, or so they say.
Dosage: Just try it, see if you like it.
Effect: Hey, surprise - you like it!
Benefits: You like it a lot. In fact, you like everything about it, even the bad things you have to do to get more.
Drawbacks: You’re a crackhead.
Funny stories: Yeah, you proved you were better than the rest of us at being fucked up. You win.
Rating: Go away. We’re not friends anymore: (*)

Drug: Heroin
Type: Opiate.
Dosage: First you smoke it on the weekends, but that’s way too expensive. You need to cut cost and inject it directly into your bloodstream. One fix at a time, every day for the rest of your short, miserable life.
Effect: Everything is fine for a while, but then it’s not, so you have to take some more heroin.
Benefits: You get to hang out with other junkies talking about junk and how to get it.
Drawbacks: You’re a zombie.
Funny stories: Not even a single one.
Rating: If you’re dumb enough to take this, go right ahead: (*)

Drug: Boiled Coca-Cola
Type: Classic, diet or vanilla.
Dosage: It doesn’t matter, idiot.
Effect: There’s always some idiot who thinks if you boil it long enough you’ll get distilled cocaine.
Benefits: In enormous quantities you’ll maybe get a sugar or guarana high.
Drawbacks: Hm. You’re an idiot?
Funny stories: Yeah, aren’t you the idiot who boiled Coca-Cola?
Rating: This shouldn’t even be rated but what the hell: (**)

Drug: Pharmaceuticals
Type: The type your loser friend claims he stole from his parents’ bathroom.
Dosage: This isn’t working. Let’s take some more.
Effect: My tongue feels funny and I’m all tired.
Benefits: It’s free. Works well with alcohol 11% of the time.
Drawbacks: Two words: Stomach pump.
Funny stories: Ha ha. No.
Rating: Bad idea: (**)

Drug: Ecstasy
Type: Something the Germans used during WWII to make the eastern front feel more like a party and less like a hellish nightmare.
Dosage: Look, it’s all pink and cute and it has a little bunny rabbit on it. How can this possibly be dangerous?
Effect: I want to dance all night in my silver outfit.
Benefits: You suddenly love everybody, even people you would usually hate.
Drawbacks: You suddenly love everybody, even the people you rightly should hate, and then you fry you brain and die.
Funny stories: God that stuff burns down your throat if you don’t have any liquid to wash it down with.
Rating: Yeah, who needs those little brain receptors anyway: (**)

Drug: Amphetamine
Type: Central stimulant.
Dosage: It depends. Is it the green stuff? The pink stuff? The yellow stuff? The stuff that’s been cut with rat poison?
Effect: When you don’t sleep you have eight more hours to be really efficient at grinding your teeth.
Benefits: You feel great. Plus you lose weight.
Drawbacks: You lose weight in the fatty tissues of your brain and all your teeth fall out.
Funny stories: We wrote a pop song that was going to make us rich, rich. But then it didn’t.
Rating: You can do better than that: (**)

Drug: Morphine
Type: Opiate.
Dosage: Well, how much is left in the bottle you found in your dead grandfathers bedroom?
Effect: Relieves pain. Takes all the edges off.
Benefits: Mellow city.
Drawbacks: It’s basically heroin made by doctors.
Funny stories: We walked around all night trying to score some weed and complaining about how we weren’t stoned, but in retrospect we were.
Rating: It’s right up there with pharmaceuticals: (**)

Drug: Toad slime
Type: found on slimy toads.
Dosage: Baby, lick that toad.
Effect: If anyone asks it’s hallucinogenic slime.
Benefits: You’ll forever be the one who licked the toad. Hard to top, really.
Drawbacks: You could go blind.
Funny stories: What’s not funny about licking a toad?
Rating: Make sure it’s the right kind of toad: (**)

Drug: Guarana
Type: Isn’t it like a type of caffeine or something?
Dosage: I don’t care.
Effect: Somewhat like boiled Coca-Cola, maybe.
Benefits: It’s from the rainforest which makes it healthy. Bla bla bla.
Drawbacks: I find that I really have no opinion of this substance.
Funny stories: Booooring, Sidney.
Rating: Yeah, whatever. It doesn’t kill you: (***)

Drug: Khat
Type: Central stimulant that you chew if you’re from Yemen or wherever.
Dosage: How the hell would I know? You chew some, then you chew some more.
Effect: You sit around with your mates on a carpet talking about how you’re going to fix your country.
Benefits: No women allowed. Wait – is that a benefit?
Drawbacks: You’re in Yemen for God’s sake.
Funny stories: This one time, in Yemen, we sat on a carpet.
Rating: Why not? (***)

Drug: Cocaine
Type: The king of central stimulants. The central stimulant of kings.
Dosage: It’s never enough - until it suddenly is.
Effect: Makes you feel like a king for approximately 14½ minutes.
Benefits: It’s classy. Like golf.
Drawbacks: Where’s my penis? Dude, I need that.
Funny stories: You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.
Rating: Not good for you in any way, but hey, neither are carrots: (***)

Drug: Marihuana/hashish
Type: A mild hallucinogenic (as in a mild headache).
Dosage: How much do you have? No documented cases of overdose. In fact it’s good for you.
Effect: Hihihihihihihi. The illuminati run everything. Let’s make a bong. I’m so smart, I just figured out everything. I’ll write a novel. No, I’ll start a band. No, I’ll assassinate the pope. What did you say? Yeah, it should definitely be legal, there would be no more wars, or… Police cars. Or bridges. Do you remember how we used to laugh at nothing? Now we just sit here. I’m hungry.
Benefits: Enhances the video-watching experience 249%. Choose wisely.
Drawbacks: Paranoia. Depression. Anxiety. No short term memory. You never get anything done, and I mean anything.
Funny stories: So we’re on the night train, right, and every half hour we go to the toilet and smoke a joint. And every time we come back to sit down this little sleeping Japanese tourist jumps in his seat because of the lever principle. So we get up and sit down for like three hours just to watch him jump in his seat. Good times. Where did they go?
Rating: The trick is knowing when to quit: (****)

Drug: Psilocybin
Type: It hides inside the mushroom, fa la lah.
Dosage: We agreed on thirty, but now I can’t remember how many I’ve picked already.
Effect: Yeah, hard to describe.
Benefits: No need to call that guy. All you need is bus fare to the secret place that everybody knows about.
Drawbacks: Who knows what that stuff does to you? It’s not like it’s developed in a lab.
Funny stories: The neighbours to the secret mushroom field spotted him on all fours. So the cops turned up, and they were all like: What are you doing? And he was all like: I’m picking psilocybin mushrooms. They’d never heard about it before, he actually had to explain it to them. They still didn't believe him. He insisted. So they took him downtown and looked it up, and sure enough, it was illegal. He got a huge fine and they called his parents.
Rating: Communing with the mushroom god? I’ll give that a: (****)

Drug: Banana peel
Type: The peel of the banana.
Dosage: One banana, two banana.
Effect: None. This is an urban legend that probably has to do with the fact that in some countries they roll joints in paper made from banana peel.
Benefits: You can eat the bananas while you do it.
Drawbacks: You’ve wasted an entire evening smoking banana peel.
Funny stories: Remember how we wasted an entire evening smoking banana peel? Good times. Where did they go?
Rating: You know you have to try it: (*****)

Drug: Magic bark from Africa
Type: Yeah, bark. You make tea. I’ve only encountered it on that one occasion.
Dosage: One cup was too much for me.
Effect: Superpowers.
Benefits: You heard me. Superpowers.
Drawbacks: Most of it was in my head, I think.
Funny stories: At least I didn’t beat up three policemen like that other guy.
Rating: This one gets strictly obscurity points: (*****)

Drug: LSD
Type: A very hard drug. A hallucinogenic substance that is not to be taken lightly.
Dosage: Let’s take half now and see how strong it is. No, let’s take two each.
Effect: Are you tripping yet? Me neither, but I can feel it moving up my spine. Everything has a green tint and it’s starting to… Whoa, if I can’t trust my senses, what can I trust? I know what the tree is thinking. The city is a cancer, see how it’s eating into nature. Everything – is – connected. I get it. I get it. I get it. Holy shit I’m freaking out. THERE IS (A) DARKNESS IN (MY) MIND.
Benefits: When they say it expands your consciousness they’re not kidding. It’ll change you.
Drawbacks: It’s seriously dangerous, mind-altering stuff. Stay away from it. You could very well go insane.
Funny stories: We were getting used to the paper bits and the microdots, and then we got hold of this gelatine stuff that dissolved in water. The thing is, we got the dose wrong. I’m telling you, I saw things moving by themselves, chess pieces, furniture. How I stayed sane that night is a mystery. The banana saved me.
Rating: Don’t ever fucking touch this, I mean it: (******)

Drug: Coffee
Type: Black like sin, sweet like temptation, creamy like, er, a sweaty mulatto girl in heels, foamy like… Foam. I don’t really care as long as it’s in a cup.
Dosage: If I had more mouths I could drink more.
Effect: Quality of life instantly improves up to 500%. It's scientifically proven.
Benefits: You can do things earlier in the morning than your body wants you to. Fuck you, body. I make the decisions around here.
Drawbacks: The jitters. The trots. Hey, it sounds like a dance: Do the Jittertrot!
Funny stories: One time at that café I drank 23 cups of coffee to prove a point. It was a stupid point, but I proved it alright.
Rating: I don’t know how I would even be able to stand upright without it: (******)

Drug: Alcohol
Type: The type you drink.
Dosage: A glass of wine with dinner. Just a few beers. Maybe a single Bloody Mary (it’s practically tomato soup). Do you think the bartender knows how to make a Daiquiri? I’ll have a Laphroigh, please, neat. Mmmh… Like sucking nectar through a hangman’s noose. Let’s do shots.
Effect: Nobody loves me/I love you/I hate you
Benefits: It’s legal, among a thousand other things.
Drawbacks: Hard to stop once you get started. The hangovers get worse with age.
Funny stories: There was the time I woke up naked in a room without furniture and as it turned out I had no friends anymore.
Rating: Alcohol is fucking brilliant. It is hands down the best drug in the world: (*******)

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3:03 pm  
Blogger Mikkel said...

Yeah, I want advanced lessons in löööve. Oh, and English grammar.

3:06 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

thank god someone can finally teach you about it!

3:11 pm  
Blogger MGL said...

More on Svada over at my place.

3:18 pm  
Anonymous børvisen said...

I'm so predictable, the moment there is talk about drugs I return. How about that for surprise. I bet you wrote it all just to get me to post... however, I were in some of those funny stories... I feel I have an identity now, thank you. Hm maybe taking drugs wasn't so bad afterall, maybe I could take it only on the weekends... Maybe if I I just took a tiny little bit I could do it everyday... Anyway, you forgot about the toothpaste man. Remember the toothpaste?

4:38 pm  
Anonymous børvisen said...

by the way, I'm probably moving back to Bærgæn in the autumn. Then I can bore you every day, jippi

4:41 pm  
Blogger Mikkel said...

That's great news. We'll do some toothpaste. I know where we can get it.

5:32 pm  
Anonymous Cecilie said...

Flashbacks....-sweet. Or maybe not. I never tried toothpaste, can I join? Maybe create a sweet little toothpaste circkle. Like once a week? I know some dodgy dentists and I bet they have some of the good stuff. Prob cheap as well. I'm getting all exited! Ahhh...

8:54 pm  
Blogger Mikkel said...

I don't like the direction this has taken. We are a respectable art blögzine.

11:44 pm  
Anonymous Cecilie said...

But playing with no-no's is so much fun! Arh...-and we were just getting started. Allways some big daddy ruining the pleasure. ;)Growing up is so hard some times! Ok, but I will definietly empty my tube of toothpaste tonight. Just for the hell of it. One little try. Will I see something weird in the mirror then, you think? A sick face with A LOT of foam... Scary!

12:04 am  
Blogger MGL said...

The fact that the scale goes from one to seven microdots and, say, ten or five, must be a result of the LSD, right?

1:25 am  
Anonymous børvisen said...

Interesting results: put some toothpaste on a sleeping persons pointing finger, then tickle him under the nose with a feather...

1:28 am  
Anonymous mush said...

strange site.. you are all clearly norwegian and spend too much time playing with your toothpastes... something about the shape of the tube methinks?! go someplace where there are real drugs.... please

1:32 am  
Anonymous Cecilie said...

Børvisen: Arh, you are so old fashioned! Pointig fingers and feathers. What's with all the rituals? Just drop it man. let loose...- Have some fun!

2:12 am  
Blogger Mikkel said...

all bow before the mighty foreigner who knows everything about everything. Hail!

11:22 am  
Anonymous børvisen said...

foreigners suck toothpase all day long, I see them on all the streetcorners overe here in the Mind The Gap Central; Colgate, Aquafresh, Clinomyn med Polynam, you name it. And they look at you with whitewhite eyes, lost inside themselves...

12:09 pm  
Blogger Mikkel said...

Toothpaste abuse is a scourge on modern society. It should be illegal.

12:23 pm  
Blogger surly fag said...

and sweet sweet nitrous oxide, the perfect accompaniment to anything and everything..including yet not exclusive to staring at the wall.

3:44 am  
Blogger Mikkel said...

"I am sure the air in heaven must be this wonder working gas of delight."
Robert Southey

4:17 am  
Blogger Sara said...

I have a bog story about camping with three heroin addicts, a dog and a German nun, but I'm just not going to tell it.

12:17 am  
Blogger surly fag said...

sara please!

5:33 pm  
Blogger Mikkel said...

Sara says she won't tell the story before you put that picture back in your profile. Tscch. She can be such a tightass sometimes.

10:34 pm  

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