Monday, January 09, 2006

The 12 SHÄDY ÄCRES predictions for 2006

Everyone else is doing it, so why can't we? A deep gaze into our discount crystal ball has revealed the fol-lowing:

1: The Pope does not make any more or any less sense in 2006 than any other year.

2: WHO leader Gro Harlem Brundtland becomes the first female United Nations Secretary General. She immediately sets about reforming the labyrinthine structure of the U.N. in an attempt to make the organization more transparant and democratic. She fails miserably. Even the new logo is ugly.

3: In Russia President Putin is reluctantly preparing for the end of his turn. On the by now entirely state controlled media broadcasts you begin noticing some guy with a mustache standing next to Putin all the time. You suspect he might be grooming this guy as his successor. Well you’re wrong. That guy is a decoy.

4: In Europe 2006 quickly becomes a year of scandals. Allegations of widespread corruption within the European Union shake the political world everywhere except France and Italy where this is old news. In the UK new evidence surfaces to confirm that Princess Diana was indeed assassinated by the MI6 as we all suspected. The agent responsible (ironically a fellow with the service number 007) claims to have been acting on direct orders from the Queen. The Queen denies this.

5: In South America things continue as always, only with a bit less rain forest and a bit more poverty. Cocaine prices are not affected.

6: In Australia bad TV programming surpasses sheep-rearing to become the largest national industry. Every TV show on Earth is now required by law to feature at least one Australian. Many counterfeit Aussies, dreaming of their golden 15 minutes of fame, flock to the continent in small rafts that are most often sunk by the coast guard before they reach land.

7: In Israel, elections lead to the forming of yet another right wing coalition consisting mostly of old militarists with perfect American accents. The new government defends its barefaced police state tactics using all too familiar rhetoric, playing the holocaust trump card over and over ad absurdum. Any state or agency that questions the Israeli apartheid system is accused of being anti-Semitic so many times they finally give in and become just that.

8: The Arab World is still divided over the issues of fundamentalism, terrorism, anti-Americanism and Internet porn. Many young middle class Muslims feel torn between the traditional values they are taught from the Koran and all the hot pussy.

9: In the USA, president Bush is busy starting fires all over the place and pouring gasoline on the ones he’s not directly responsible for. The biggest TV moment of the year takes place when a peace demonstrator gets close enough to the president to pour red paint all over him, before being gunned down by the Secret Service. Floods, hurricanes and earthquakes again shake the continent. Witnesses to the the destruction of one small midwestern community claim to have seen the heavens open, revealing vast burning letters: SIGN THE KYOTO AGREEMENT ALREADY.

10: The War on Terror continues abroad and is expanded to include horror. The USA and its few remaining allies continue to lie, manipulate, bribe and torture in the name of freedom and justice. Who's going to stop them?

11: In Asia, bird flu becomes a real problem. The Chinese government solves the problem by killing all the grasshoppers, thus killing all the sparrows, a technique they have trained for since the Cultural Revolution. In Japan, schoolgirls become so trendy they practically levitate. New fads now come and go so quickly nobody’s sure what’s hot and what’s not. In an amazing turn of events it suddenly becomes hip to be square. All Japanese schoolgirls collectively decide to return to a simpler life, abandoning their cell phones and other portable technology to work with ceramics and weaving.

12: In Africa, civil war in an already starving nation leads to another devastating famine followed by another refugee disaster, followed by yet more famine. Again you helplessly watch it all unfold from your living room. Again you ask yourself why your leaders are so hopelessly incompetent. You cry into your hands, disgusted with your own powerlessness.

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4 Comments:

Anonymous Gavin Ayling said...

Excellent!

2:54 pm  
Blogger Mikkel said...

Thank you. I used clairvoyance.

8:27 pm  
Blogger surly fag said...

i think your predictions are incredibly insightful but how about we put some money on it? i have a small bundle of chinese dollars at my disposal...

10:44 am  
Blogger Mikkel said...

I won't take your hell money away from you, Nadia. You're going to need that.

10:50 am  

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