Friday, December 23, 2005

It's finally here: The JC PC prototype!

1: Deathbed Confession Keyboard
(w/Integrated Oil Dispenser)
Allows you to write the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Automatically administers last rites and returns you to your maker if your input is deemed inappropriate. Available in white, beige and altar wine.

2: LOOKbusy Monitor
Only shows you what you need to see at any given time, which just happens to be Jesus Christ the redeemer, all day, all week, all year. VGA cable included. Will not function without DVI cable. DVI cable not included. Look busy - Jesus is coming!

3: Wallflower* Levitating Virgin Mouse
(w/Wallflower* Bachelorette Suspension Pad)
Very efficient. Makes swift and immaculate decisions on your behalf without even conferring with you. Click, click, click.

4: Koala Cruzada Dial-up Modem
This syphilitic, tree-dwelling marsupial talks to God. To achieve a state of rapture he uses his silver fork to scoop up eucalyptus leaves, munching them down unceremoniously while speaking in tounges all over the Holy Spirit Broadband.

5: HandJOB Manual Feed Paper Tray
Contains nothing but filth. Filth!

6: Thyrod & Thystaff Scanner
Feed filth into tube while shouting obscenities. Use rubber gloves. If your right hand offends you, cut it off.

7: Auto-da-Fisher-Price (1st Communion) Hard Drive
This is the heart of the JC Personal Computer. Notice the low weight of the Angelic Shepherd Processor, which allows it to be stored on the point of a needle. Delivered with MS-GOD faith-based Operating System which functions only if and when you believe it will. Experiencing problems? Then your faith is not strong enough. Shame on you!

8: ZION Samovar Printer
I'm a little teapot, short and stout - here's my handle, here's my last known configuration. This blessed device will spit out the pages of the Book of the Lamb like there's no tomorrow, which frankly there isn't. It is conveniently mounted on a mortar shell and features a decorative menorah.

9: JHVH++ Hardcopy
Start reading, sinners.

10: Omniprez Technical Support Service
We are everywhere. Just close your eyes and pray.

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