Friday, October 14, 2005

The sexiest government ever

For the first time in my life I actually support the government. This is a new experience for me, and it's hard to adjust to. I’ll have to stop throwing cobblestones and Molotovs for a while, it seems. Bummer. I need the exercise.

Vlinkis von Schtültenboobies, leader of the Finnmärck Workers’ Party, is going to be Prime Minister again. Last time he did a really shitty job, and hopefully he will fuck this one up too so I can go back to hating him. But then last time, he had Fnordbjørn “Bongo from Kongo” Yachtland as his elephantitis sidekick.

He also seems to have matured as a politician. He stuck with the party when they were in the dump after the last election, and didn’t bail out like the entire right wing of the party. Remember Ilse Faremöö, for example? I hadn’t seen her since she was Torture Minister. Sure didn’t see her once during this whole campaign. Then suddenly, at the election party, there she was rubbing herself against Schtültenboobies’ leg. Lovely.

My guess is that the new guy will be Foreign Minister. I can't remember his name, and neither can you, so let's not kid ourselves.

But what about Bonita Veggimellom Urhöne, will she become Minister of Edumacation? Last time, when she was Minister of Familiarity, she only came out of her office if there was some sort of scandal to react to. What the hell did she do in there all day? Nobody knows for sure. Some say she was picking at her mole.

Then there's Tranh Nguyen Griske, the tiny Vietnamese boat refugee that was raised by a pack of storfs in the wild Midländs. He sure spends a lot of time around the Royal family for a Social Democrat, doesn't he? He'll get one of the soft ministries to keep the Midländers and Prince Vidkun happy.

Løkrull Hägenisse, leader of the Center Party, will be Minister of Pastorality. I can’t say I like her, but I figure she can’t do much harm. Like Schtültenboobies she’s the offspring of a Party Chieftain. I don’t like the whole dynasty thing they have going, but it’s probably one of those bio-cultural functions that we can’t legislate against, and it always seems so silly to fight those. Know what I mean?

Krystle Hälvveis-Alvorsen, leader of the Socialist Left-wing Party, is going to be Finance Minister. I was hoping she’d get the Foreign Ministry, but still… Give a socialist power chick a bunch of money and a whip, that’ll give the captains of industry something to talk about at their board meetings. Picture them sweating like the fat pigs that they are.

She has also convinced the others to pull our boys in green out of Operation God Bless America and Operation Fuck the Geneva Convention, which is just one more reason for an old soldier to love her. Jesus, we might even get a half sensible foreign policy now, for the first time since like forever.

After this campaign, though, she looks ten years older, while Schtültenboobies looks ten years younger. He’s already sucking the lifeblood out of her. There’s no doubt in my mind, that man has made a nasty deal with the Devil, which is part of why I like him.

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1 Comments:

Anonymous børvis said...

Type "failure" into google search field, click "I feel lucky"

1:03 pm  

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