Tuesday, October 25, 2005

I’ll show you my gender if you show me yours

I know what you’re thinking: What is he wearing? Well, I’ll tell you. It’ll be like a striptease in reverse.

Styling: Brown guernsey, brown shoes. Black t-shirt, black socks, black trousers. Black boxer shorts. I used to wear glasses but now I wear contact lenses, which makes me feel fucking invincible.

Short hair that I cut myself. A few days’ growth of beard. It’s not a statement, I’m just lazy.

No styling products. No hair gel, no peroxide, no dye. No moisturizer. I use toothpaste and shampoo.

No tattoos. No jewelry. No earring anymore, no nose ring any more. No wedding ring anymore.

Body: Wiry, slim to the point of skinny, not overly hairy. Some scars here and there, the eyebrows mostly, the knees and elbows, a few cuts on the fingers. I’m not built for heavy lifting, but I am built for speed and endurance. I have the body of a scout, if not the eyes, and I’m in pretty good shape for a guy my age, mostly because I’m restless and walk everywhere.

Violence: Why is this relevant to me being a sex bomb? If you don’t know by now, chances are you never will.

I'm not into martial arts. I haven’t been in that many fights since the fifth grade, at least not sober, and only a handful that were serious.

I served a couple of years in the Danish army as a conscripted sergeant. I know how to handle all types of small arms, and I know how to direct mortar and artillery fire. Give me a map, a radio and a pair of binoculars and I will toast you from three kilometers away. Oh, I’ll need a mortar crew too, otherwise it’s just me talking to myself.

I'm telling you this because I know for a fact that chicks love a man in uniform. Myself, I love the weight of an assault rifle in my hands. It makes me feel safe and alert, which is the best way to be.

Money: If that sort of thing is important to you, you can buy me a drink and then fuck off.

Cooking skills: I am not allowed to go into the kitchen anymore, but if I was I would make Pasta Carbonara.

Genetics: I descend from a long line of ancestors, and as I have proven on at least one occasion, I produce perfect offspring.

Things I believe women like about me: I have a sense of humor, obviously, I mean, come on.

Things about me that are decidedly unmanly: I know nothing, absolutely nothing, about cars or sports. In fact I’ve failed the drivers’ test four times. Supporting the local team? Who cares.

How I am in bed: If you don’t know by now, chances are you never will.

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10 Comments:

Anonymous c said...

It's a revolution or is it evolution? I hadn't realized the glasses were gone.

9:11 am  
Blogger Mikkel said...

He he he. It's a brave new world.

9:15 am  
Blogger MGL said...

Two words: handlingsplan humor.

12:09 pm  
Blogger Mikkel said...

Gimme gimme gimme a break (after midnight). This gender stuff is hilarious and you know it. What's more funny than a man in womens' clothing? Nothing - unless we're talking false teeth, fake glasses and a hat.

3:01 pm  
Blogger MGL said...

A man slipping on a banana peel. Now that's humor.

11:36 pm  
Blogger Mikkel said...

OR...! You could combine them: A man dressed like a woman with false teeth, glasses and a hat walks down the street... See where I'm going?

1:10 am  
Anonymous børvissen said...

http://i35.photobucket.com/albums/d193/q0nk/fitness.jpg

12:39 pm  
Anonymous bÚrvÚssen said...

Clilk ehre ju dmub fokk

12:43 pm  
Blogger MGL said...

Twisted. Unconventional. I like it.

Børv: now *that's* humor.

11:08 pm  
Anonymous børvis said...

I think REMA1000 had little plastic figures of mgl for sale the other day, which was nice. I think Nørway is a great country.

3:02 pm  

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