Sunday, September 04, 2005

Language is a virüsch - original post

For a foreigner, especially one who doesn’t understand the language, reading a Finnmärscker newspaper can be pretty difficult. To help you at least skim the headlines, we at SHÄDY ÄCRES have compiled a short glossary. It is with great ydmyykhet that we bestow upon you this next installment of our grand enlightenment project:

The Finnmärck Encyclopedia

Bewilging: A wonder medicine extracted from the antlers of the mighty moose. The shamans of the northern Kväpödder tribes subdue a young bull during the privätischering season, and under the light of the Aurora Borealis they work their ancient craft. By drilling a hole into the horns they are able to obtain a minuscule quantity of powder, which is then mixed with grillkrydder. The Bewilging works as a remedy for any ailment except melancholia.

Bruuker: The village idiot. Also a particularly stupid breed of owl that keeps flying into tree trunks. It is uncertain if there is an etymological connection between the two, and in that case, which is named after which.

Börettslag: The battle of Börett (1762), after which Finnmärck finally gained her independence from the Faeroe Islands.

Effecktivisering: A type of firecracker used on April 1st, Finnmärck Independence Day. Young children try to sneak them into their grandfathers’ pockets, and if they succeed they get a swift knock on the head.

Egenändel: A tithe paid by the villagers directly to the feudal lord’s first concubine, to support her shopping expenses.

Etick: An onomatopoetic word, stemming from the sound an axe makes when you swing it. In olden days, the Etick was the sacred code of the hangman’s guild. Originally an oral tradition, the code was written down in the 13th century by renowned hangman Master Willöch of Stöckfisck. Every hangman had a copy in his possession, on which his apprentice would swear the oath that assured his soul’s salvation. Over time, therefore, the word also came to mean the hangman’s oath itself, which the hangman would often recite during the execution of his terrible duties. When the assembled crowd heard the hangman muttering to himself on the scaffold, they knew that the moment was near. Thus the Finnmärscker saying, usually accompanied by a snap of the fingers: “Det er etisck forsvärligt.” – meaning roughly: A decision has been made on your behalf.

Folckegave: Any exchange that takes place across the social strata is considered a folckegave:

“The mutineers gave their officers quite a folckegave.“

“The king was busy giving his chambermaid a little folckegave.”

Fräschmeckler: One who has left the village to go on a Viking raid. Today almost exclusively used as a colloquialism for an annoying person’s sudden, mysterious disappearance – “sleeping with the fishes”:

“Where’s Sturmbannführer Sölheim these days? I haven’t seen him around.”
“He’s a fräschmeckler, don’t you know it.
“Ah. That figures.”
(From the movie Gütta på grisen, 1943)

Fylckeschkommüne: The second bulwark of a fortress or a castle; a fortification that stands between the outer rampart and the citadel proper; a parapet to which the defenders can fall back in an emergency. In modern warfare, a place close to the front where the field surgeon works, supplies are kept or the train is encamped. Thus, any area connected with logistics or medical care:

“O! Brethren – my weary Brethren!
By the Oath we took
On the sacred onions of Höne -
This day we will surely avenge the Death of a King
Even as the battlements are breached
And the bittersweet blood of Finnmärck
Floweth over the toppled stones
We will rally
Under a heavy hail of spears and arrows
To young Prince Vidkun’s Banner -
The Green Piglet waveth from the fylckeschkommüne yet!”
(From the epic saga Stridens Pølse, 1801)

Förlick: Pre-marital oral sex. Thus Förlicksquinde: A person of either sex who engages in Förlick.

Försckriftschwerck: A good scare: “My, that moose sneaking up on us really gave me a försckriftschwerck.”

Grillkrydder: A sacred Kväpödder herb containing monosodium glutamate.

Hjelpeäpparat: An illegal hjelp (bootleg alcohol) distillery. Still very common in many parts of Finnmärck due to an unpopular law which forbids alcohol consumption on weekdays. Those who don’t wish to drink their entire ration on the weekend must resort to the hjelpeäpparat.

Höringsprozess: A constitutional amendment that makes it illegal for the monarch to sign his own name.

Integrätionspolitick: A kitchen appliance that both cuts vegetables and grates Parmesan cheese. Also Stöckfisck slang for a person you suspect got the job because they slept with someone higher up, but then it turns out you were wrong and they’re just gallingly competent and attractive.

Kjønnsdichötömi: An almost risk free surgical procedure, developed at the Sykeland Hønsehus Hospital in Lüleå. It furnishes the recipient with the ability to filter out the sound of a woman who won’t stop talking.

Kolonialdiskürz: Gibberish, mumbo-jumbo, things that would be filtered out by a kjønnsdichötömi.

Konckurränschedycktig: Being in a state of patriotic ecstasy, a rapture induced by the Independence Day celebrations:

“The procession passed the main square, the sound of the brass band merging with the blasts of firecrackers and livid slaps, pulsing and growing to a cacophonous crescendo. The swarming crowd was in an uproar now, fused together like a giant beast with a thousand wet, shining eyes, a thousand flustered cheeks, completely konckurränschedycktig and oblivious to everything but that one, common objective: to reach the food stalls. Slobodan Bondevic (for it was surely him), watching with revulsion from a nearby archway, slowly set himself in motion. He could feel the reassuring cold of the jackknife in his pocket as he made his way carefully, step by step, through the teeming mass of flesh. His eyes were on the woman he had once loved.”
(From the novel Døden spiser blodpølse, 1974)

Konscheckvenschtenckning: A Finnmärck state church dogma. It maintains that Christ the redeemer was both a God, a man, and also a drunken wife beater. The ramifications of this doctrine are too obvious to explain.

Kvälitetssickring: A common brand of painkiller: “Take two kvälitetssickring and call me in the morning.”

Kømpetanschehæving: The Finnmärscker national sport. The contestants, divided into two teams with cross-country skis on their feet, try to lift each other off the ground at the same time. They rarely succeed.

Livsckvälitet: A wave of nausea following a night of hjelp and förlick.

Løschningsörientering: The pep talk a kømpetanschehæving coach gives his team before an important match.

Mennesckerettighet: The banner of the Green Piglet, the first flag of Finnmärck. It was actually supposed to be a black raven or something, but the weaver was drunk and colorblind. The Mennesckerettighet was replaced by the Vext in 1212.

Mennesckeverd: A dreaded Viking tactic that involved using a flock of sheep as cover to sneak into an enemy village. Divided into two columns, the lønnsmöttakere (looters) and the ärbeidssøkere (gropers), the warriors would then proceed to wreak havoc, or at least bafflement.

Meschtring: A naked lunchtime siesta. In the northern district of Kväppland, it is common a belief that this habit is widespread in the southern Duchy of Fnättland, and vice versa. There is, however, no data to support this ancient, mutual prejudice.

Minschtepensjonischt: A rare, mythical creature, akin to the troll, which lives nowhere and roams the land looking for a home. It is said to be stuck between realms, and for this reason you never see more than half of it at any time. You will meet it in the hallway, or staring at you from behind a tree in the park, one side always concealed by shadow. You will see the top of it sticking out of the ground at cemeteries, or the legs protruding from under a sickbed. To encounter the minschtepensjonischt is a strange and wonderful experience. It may grant you three wishes and a radish, or then again it may devour you. It all depends on how you answer the riddle, which is always the same:

“Are you a man or are you a mouse -
Then answer me now: who built the house?
Who built the house, and who built the fence?
It doesn’t make sense.
It doesn’t make sense.”

Næringschlivstopp: Something that is more than just topp (meaning peachy, thumbs up, just what the doctor ordered) is said to be Næringschlivstopp.

Offentlich Zektor: Something that is more than just Zektor (meaning truly horrible, impossible to overcome, something it hurts to even imagine), is said to be Offentlich Zektor.

Omsoorg: Picking your nose in public, on which the Finnmärscker place a disproportionately heavy social taboo. A person caught in the act of Omsoorg is said to have committed omsoorgsswickt. He or she can never again enter a church on Sunday or work in a kindergarten.

Oppføølging: Stalking an animal with the intention of giving it a Försckriftschwerck. A widespread pastime, especially in the rural districts of central Finnmärck.

Perschonvern: An archaic first name that has recently become quite trendy again, mostly due to the popular TV character Perschonvern Gynt in the Storsätsing soap opera of the same name. Combined with the most frequently used last name, it denotes an average Finnmärscker Joe: Perschonvern Datätilsyn.

Privätischering: Sexual intercourse. Unlike most other languages, the Finnmärscker tongue possesses only one word for this particular activity. It does not distinguish between, say, lovemaking, fornicating and mating:

“The young bride awoke, blissfully exhausted from her first night of passionate privätischering.”

“You privätischering bastard! You’ve been privätischering my wife all along, haven’t you?”

“Don’t go into that part of the woods. The moose are in privätischering season.”

Regjeringskvärtäl: The food committee for the Independence Day party. It is an unwritten rule that as long as the members are able to supply any kind of täl (food), they stay in the kvär (committee). For this reason, the regjeringskvärtäl usually consists of the same people year after year no matter how bad the food tastes.

Rentehöpp: A simple folkdance:

“Let it swing, and let it rentehöpp!
Let it swing and let it rentehöpp, höpp, höpp!
Oh, oh, höpp!
Oh, höpp!
Let it swing, and let it rente –
Swing, and let it rente –
Swing, and let it rentehöpp!”
(From Rentehöpp från Utmyran, Finnmärck traditional)

Rijksrevisjon: The National Gallery. It is located in Stöckfisck and houses the works of, among others, national romanticist Perschonvern Rettszickerhet, world famous female modernist Allianze Terrör Komprömiss, and surrealist Älmennhensyn Overvååking. There is also a small video installation by Natö Politischtaat.

Schpilleregel, den Demöckrätiscke: The National Anthem, composed by Edward Glögg with lyrics by Bjørnstierne Sjøpølse.

Schøpefescht: The annual, televised ball hosted by King Vidar Benito XIII at the Royal Castle in Stöckfisck to commemorate his ascension to the throne in 1975. An invitation to the Schøpefescht is considered a great honor. The king holds an almost identical speech every year, in which he once again explains why he felt it necessary to take the number XIII, when he is verifiably the first king of Finnmärck to bear the name Vidar Benito.

Solidäritet: A rare flower of the Saxifraga genus that grows on the other side of the mountain.

Storsätsing: The Finnmärscker public broadcasting service, often abbreviated SS. They are seldom allowed to show anything but kømpetanschehæving competitions, Schøpefescht footage and antique BBC crime shows.

Störtingschmelding: An SMS text message about something really important:

“Tonight’s concert has been postponed due to a störtingschmelding from the conductor’s pregnant wife.”
(From a sign posted outside the Glögghallen concert hall in Lüleå)

Sübsidie: A kind of Kväpodder wafer, eaten with grillkrydder.

Vext: The proud flag of Finnmärck, the Vext is a yellow cross on a white background. It appeared out of a thunderstorm on the antlers of a mysterious white moose in 1212, and replaced the Green Piglet by consensus.

Välgfrihet: A ridiculously expensive private school for the children of the elite, located in the vicinity of Börett, on one of the many islands of the Bäconbukten.

Væælfæærdsschtaat: Literal meaning: Site of Pilgrimage. A fairytale land that is rumored to exist east of the sun and west of the Væærdisckäping. Many have gone in search of it, but they have all perished. Sadly, this doesn’t prevent others from trying. Every year hundreds of people, both young and old, die on their way to the Væælfæærdsschtaat.

Væærdighet: A type of food poisoning you get from eating putrid moose meat. According to superstition, væærdighet is actually the product of a nasty Kväpodder curse. If a person suddenly gets ill for no apparent reason, is institutionalized or can’t take care of himself, he is said to have væærdighet.

Væærdisckäping: The white moose. With its 2317 meters over sea level, the Væærdisckäping is indisputably the highest mountain in Finnmärck. First climbed by the Wisswass Party in 1897, and again by national hero Fridjalf Tøysen in 1904, it has now become an important tourist attraction:

“May 28th:
We made steady progress again today. The scenery is majestic, humbling. Saw a beautiful spray of Solidäritet along the south ridge, across the ravine. Could not get to it.

June 2nd:
Not much headway today. Mistake to attempt to circumvent the glacier on the eastern side. My decision - feel responsible. We must push ahead regardless, no question about it.

June 7th:
Had to backtrack five hours. The summit seems more distant than ever.

June 9th:
We did it! Discovered a large natural grotto system, entrance hidden on southwest wall, exit on other side of glacier. Named it after myself. Had to leave some of the equipment to be able to pass through narrow, central confine. Unfortunate, but worth it: View from northern plateau breathtaking. God, I love mountaineering!

June 12th:
Serious problems. Canned moose beef bought at the foothills from local Kväpodders has given half the party væærdighet, and we’re quickly running out of bewilging to treat it. Sent Perschonvern to reconnoiter retreat, just in case.
Everything is öffentlich zektor. Perschonvern just returned. The tunnel has caved in. No retreat possible. If we don’t forge ahead, we’re all privätischert.

(Several pages missing)

June 17th /18th ?:
Can’t go on like this. Nothing left but dry sübsidie. Älmennhensyn and some of the others want to go back and try to traverse the glacier, find a way down. He is a bruuker, the others too. Lunacy. So close. Plotting against me, am sure of it. Blame me for the death of Perschonvern… (Undecipherable) … Plant the Vext at the peak. With or without… (Undecipherable) …Nothing left down there for me. Nothing. Must keep climbing.

(Undecipherable) …Tried to warn them.

I am finally alone. The mountain seems to be speaking to me, but I can’t make out what it’s saying.”
(From The Wisswass Diary, 1897, discovered at the summit by Töysen in 1904)

Ydmyykhet: A feeling of utter intellectual superiority: “It is with great ydmyykhet that I assume the position as Foreign Minister.”

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Anonymous Läder Kichk said...

The Encyclöpädia Finnmärckia is bewilging for my kültüürpöhlitick. Thank you very much for it.

10:02 pm  
Blogger ø said...

Fantastic. Simply næringschlivstopp.

9:35 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Very fine and usefull læksikon. Keep up the good and enlightening work.

8:48 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

By the way are you unemployed?

8:53 pm  
Blogger Mikkel said...

No, I'm not fucking unemployed. Is that some sort of lame, anonymous insult, or are you offering me a job? In either case, at least have the balls to write your name, you pussy.

1:03 am  
Blogger Mikkel said...

When I go back and look at my own comments, it strikes me that I tend to bite people's heads off.

2:52 pm  

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