Saturday, September 24, 2005

An interview with Ms. Bell

She’s a surfer, a continental drifter and a merciless street fighter. Recently, she has turned from a life of crime to a life of baking. We all know she looks killer in a pair of tight jeans, but who is this mysterious Norstralian with the notoriously bad taste in men? We at SHÄDY ÄCRES decided to find out.



The constant baking
Why do you bake so many cakes?
Because I quit smoking.
What’s your best cake?
My chocolate cake.
What happens with all the cakes?
You eat them.

The Master thesis
You’re pretty good at Windows Solitaire. What’s the strategy?
Calculation of averages. And I pick from the biggest stacks first.
Do you cheat?
Always.

The pedigree
You’re half Norwegian, half Australian. Which is which, and how?
I make the rules for that. And I can change them when I want to. It depends on the situation. I’m Norwegian when it is to my advantage to be Norwegian, and Australian when it is to my advantage to be Australian.
Do you have any Australian traits?
I like minced pie.
Do you have any Norwegian traits?
I don’t like Australians.

The promiscuity
What’s your best pick up line?
Oh. Good question. Usually, I don’t have to use pick up lines. Ha ha ha.
Then what do you do?
I just wait, and then I pick someone out. Ha ha ha.

The sedition
What about politics? Where do you stand? What do you think? What’s happening?
Ha ha. Even though I have to say I don’t think the left is doing its duty, that’s probably where I belong. Even if they don’t do their job, and mostly act like a bunch of whiners. Unfortunately. I think they have good ideas, but I don’t think they take their task seriously enough.
What’s their task?
To give the forces of capital opposition. Pragmatically, I think the left is there to lessen the abuse the haves inflict against the have-nots. They have to act as a brake against that.

The natives
You like to travel. Have you been anywhere interesting lately?
Yes, in Lüleå.
How is it?
Wet. And inhabited by a strange race of people.
How would you describe the people who live there?
Spoilt. Depressed. Weird.
Do you feel any kinship to them?
Obviously.

The senseless violence
I hear you almost ripped a guy’s ear off with a broken bottle, once. Give us some fighting tips.
My best trick is not to hold back at all. Of course I waited until he turned his back on me before I hit him with that bottle.
What about fair play?
Fair play presupposes some kind of mutual respect before the fight starts. It is one thing if two people who are equally strong fight it out to see who’ll win. But if you’ve already broken the rules of fair play, and mistreated someone, I think you need to be taught that those rules can be broken by anyone. Then you have already given up your own right to fair treatment by the person you have mistreated. That’s something you learn in kindergarten.
What’s the worst fight you’ve been in?
I don’t know if there’s one… The worst fights were the ones where I got beat up.
What’s the worst beating you’ve taken?
I got kicked in the mouth. Hard.
Where was that?
In Stöckfisck.
Who did it?
I don’t want to talk about it.
That’s OK.

The partying
So, you’ve quit smoking and started baking cakes instead. What about the booze and the hard drugs?
Yes, I have found out that my cake can run on cake, I mean my body can run on cake much longer than it can on amphetamines, or LSD, or cocaine. Hashish I just think is boring. In many ways, I still think I would like drinking and taking a lot of drugs, but I’ve realized that the same scenario plays out every time. It repeats itself, when you do that. It does not hold much excitement for me anymore. It becomes depressing to duplicate the same party over and over again. There’s no substance. The worst thing about drugs is the bad scene and the stupid people that comes with it. Otherwise, I think I could certainly keep taking drugs if it wasn’t for the stupid people you have to take them with. Because, as we all know, taking drugs by yourself is both pathetic and boring. So that’s, I guess, a good argument against legalization.

The fashion statements
I’ve heard that your next tattoo is going to be a dolphin at the small of your back.
You’re wrong; it’s a big dolphin on the inside of my left thigh, sticking its nose up my ass. It’s something I’ve given a lot of thought. I’ve worked hard on the design, and I’ve decided that it’s going to be a Celtic design in light purple.

The love life
But enough about you. Let’s talk about your boyfriend. What do you like about him?
Today, the best thing I can say about my boyfriend is that I like his T-shirt.

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