Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Monthly Horoscope: August 2005

Since astrology isn’t exactly regarded as scientific, we at SHÄDY ÄCRES have decided to try out a number of different methodologies for predicting your future. We’d appreciate reports on incidents when our predictions have been correct. This month, our horoscope theme has been inspired by Krafft-Ebing’s medico-forensic masterpiece on sexuality: Psychopathia Sexualis (authorised and revised English edition, 1936). Predictions will be released sporadically, and according to the whims of the Oracle. Here are the first three entries for August:

The Hair Despoiler: Jan 20 – Feb 18
You are well developed and intelligent, but you rarely feel satisfied after coitus – in fact, you feel disgusted. This month, we urge you to restrain yourself from forcibly cutting off the hair of strangers. If this doesn’t work, go on a holiday to Punjab and have a field day.

Lucky career move: barber.

The Zooerast: Feb 19 – Mar 20
With cranial asymmetries such as yours, it is our advice that you wear a hat this month and stay away from the pet shop and domestic animals. You should begin to realise that your mother is a psychopath in the near future.

Lucky number: 7.

The Hereditarily Predisposed Frotteur: Mar 21 – Apr 19
This month, you may be subject to melancholia at times, and sudden impulses to engage in frottage may seize you, especially if you enter a church. Furthermore, if you work in a dairy, you are most likely to succumb to an overwhelming urge to iterum iterumque sibi temperare non potuit quin genitalia in ollam lacte completam mergeret.

Lucky number: 3,14.



Anonymous adam said...

How about May 8th?

12:34 am  
Blogger Sara said...

Hmm, that would make your sign The Onanist. I'm in the lab working on it, but it'll take a few days. s.

7:24 am  

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